Title: Vertical Pizza

Soundcloud Time: 1:25:07
Youtube Time: 1:25:42

Original Record Date: July 25, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: September 21, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: September 21, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Who genuinely passed Lee Ryan from Blue in Shepherd’s Bush just a few minutes ago.

Cool Kids
Lee Ryan.

Guest Best Known
From his writing work on Great Movie Mistake 2: The Sequel.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
N/A N/A

Emergency Questions

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*?

Yeah, and he’s got mid-Wales sown up. My family goes on holidays to Wales so I get a lot of pictures going, “Oh, is this your job?” No, I write on Movie Mistakes. How many times do I have to tell you? Tom Parry, yeah, I’m half Welsh. And then when I was about eighteen I pretentiously wanted to pronounce my name the Welsh way – just T-O-M-O-S. So that’s, like, you know how you can tell how pretentious you were as a kid because of what your email address is. So that’s my email address – is *Welsh pronunciation of Tom Parry*, spelled T-O-M-O-S. That was going to be my actor name when I was going to be an actor.

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*?

No, he sounds important though. *RH advises that he died of “mere ill humour”.* Really? Mere ill humour? Oh no!

Who would you rather died: Windsor Davies or Matthew Crosby’s wife?

Fuck! Fuckin’ hell! What did Crosby say? Windsor Davies as in the guy from It Ain’t Half Hot Mum? He’s had his time, hasn’t he? It’s gotta be Windsor Davies. I don’t want to wish death on anyone, but… And I was best man at their wedding. So I think as part of my duty, as part of best man I can’t really wish death on her. *RH and TP stray into idea that the surviving one would have to murder the other.* Is Windsor Davies still active? What was the last thing you saw him do? You know, he might welcome it. Think, Oh, I’ve had a good innings. You should get him on.

Kettle Crisps are not as nice as they once were. Have I changed or have they? That’s a rhetorical question. If you could travel back in time to compare any food of today with an equivalent in the past, what time would you go back to and what food would you taste?

You think they’ve lost their way? Oh my God. Well, I mean, like, I’m a massive fan of, I mean, pizza’s my kind of food. But that hasn’t – pizza hasn’t gone anywhere, has it? This was my epiphany: we ordered – we were filing up in Glasgow – we ordered a massive Domino’s order and they delivered them vertically instead of horizontally. And there’s something about the shape of pizza. It gets away with a lot because when it’s compacted – as it was, into a mush, we were like, “This is awful, we can’t eat this, can we?” But we were so hungry and it was just like *mimics grabbing a handful and eating*. Lumping this mush into my gob. You realize, this isn’t good stuff. This is a bad thing. But I finished it. *RH posits a scenario where TP goes back in time before the delivery was made.* Before it was in the box. Sounds good. What a terrible answer to that question. Travel back to the moment where they didn’t put my pizza vertically. Yes, that’s what I’d do. I’d travel back in time – some would travel back in time and kill Hitler; not me. That’s exactly what I’d do. I’d take my vertical pizza back twenty minutes to when it was a horizontal pizza and see what happens.

Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever flown a kite?

Oh yeah! My dad’s thing, which is a really weird thing, we’d go to the same holiday every year. When I’m not in Edinburgh I go stay with my family. My dad loves flying a kite but not, like, a stunt kite. He’s had the same kite for twenty years and his thing is length. So every year he buys a new ball of string and adds it to the already existing string and says, “Let’s see how far out it will go.” And he stands there on the beach, and he winds it and he winds it. And it must – it looks likes it’s about half a mile up. It looks incredible. It takes him about an hour; he lets it out then it stays up there and he’s happy. Then he winds it back in. Every year he adds to the string to see if it can get further and further. And that’s his thing, is distance. And it’s, like, it’s the most unspectacular kite flying ever. So the responsibility is, when he’s got it out there you go and you take it off him for a bit and you have it for about fifteen minutes. Then he has it back. So the weird thing is it can’t break on your watch. You’ll probably be cast out of the family.

MarshallJonesJr.com: Have you ever tried sushi?

Yeah, I’m a vegetarian though, so I can’t… Yeah, but you don’t eat sushi for the rice, really, do you? It’s like, that’s the worst bit. So the fish is kind of the best bit. I’ve stopped eating; kind of removed all joy from my life. I love eating meat, I love eating fish, I love drinking; and now I don’t do any of those things.

Do you ever worry that you have already lived your life and are now in a care home with Alzheimer’s disease and what you perceive as reality is just a distorted memory of the first time this happened?

I mean, if it is yes, it’s not bad, is it? Like, this is pretty cool for a – if I’m just… This is the moment I decided to stop ingesting jizz *call-back to a previous conversation*. Of course I’d come back to this moment; it’s why I ended up in a care home. From following all the rules that we just made. I should send myself a message, “Don’t listen to the guy.” So, sorry, I’m in a care home, re-living my life again in my head. I’d like to think if I was doing that I’d remember myself but with hair. I’d go back and remember all the scenes but I’d have a full head of hair. It’d be great. *RH says that TP can’t be sure he doesn’t have a full head of hair.* Oh that’s a tragedy. I’m a man with a full head of hair who’s dreaming about being a bald man in his thirties? Drinks his own jizz? This is like the part in Bill and Ted when they could start – “But you did go back and now you’ve got a gun.”

Have you ever been attacked by an animal?

I used to run a gig at my cousin’s hotel and he had a tiny lap dog named Peanut. And Peanut was, like, used to go for me. And we had a free bar after the gig and I got very drunk and got home and Peanut attacked me and I locked myself in the bathroom and slept in the bathroom, and woke up the next day; I’d written a poem I have no recollection of writing. That… the first two lines said, “Fuck off, Peanut.” Then it said, “They don’t understand us and the never will.” And then the rest, it was just incomprehensible. And then, suddenly he’s on board. I’d been drinking Scotch all night. Fuck off, Peanut. They don’t understand us. It’s kind of, like, exactly the way a guy does when he’s drinking whiskey. Like, “Fuck off. Aw, come here, mate.” But it genuinely started going for me. I had to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from him. And then I wrote this, like, this fetching poem to him. So yeah, the time I did get attacked by an animal brought out – he was my muse.

Notes

TP suggests that Donald Trump winning the American presidential election is the logical conclusion to 2016.

RH predicts that Donald Trump will win the 2016 American president election.

TP tells the joke for which he came in 7th place on the 2015 Edinburgh best joke list.