Title: Heart Slag

Soundcloud Time: 1:05:36
Youtube Time: 1:04:59

Original Record Date: October 3, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 19, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: October 19, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s still ill. It was a week ago! What’s going on? What’s wrong with this man’s immune system?

Cool Kids
I was down, uh, at some kind of place where people do skipping. And there were some kids doing the double dutch form of skipping, which is particularly popular at the moment with Malcolm McLaren.

Guest Best Known
As Hartslag from Op leven en dood.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Paul shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
has worked for Ancestry.com for six months
has only investigated two generations of his own family

Emergency Questions

If you were granted the powers of a King Midas, but could choose what everything was going to turn into, what would everything turn into?

I could change something into something else. Well fuck it then, why bother?

MarshallJonesJr.com: Have you ever tried sushi?

Oh yes, yes. It’s like a packet of rice and a bit of salmon. It’s just a bit of rice and some salmon.

What is worse, bestiality or necrophilia?

Well, the best thing is to fuck a dead animal, I think. What do they care? But I’d nave to go for necrophilia. No, is better. bestiality is worse, because what do the dead care? Don’t do it in front of their loved ones. […] *RH says bestiality is fine if you’re caring.* Exactly, but that goes for man-to-woman sex and man-to-man as well; you have to be caring, gentle, subtle. Take your time, there’s no hurry. Don’t push it, don’t force it, let it happen naturally. Love will surely happen if love was meant to be. *Makes mooing or braying sound.* They say if you fuck a sheep, fuck him with him facing the canal, because he’ll push back.

Have you committed any crimes you have not previously admitted to?

No.

Kickstarter: Tim Turner says, “Richard Dawkins claims to have seen dogs doing a 69. What’s the worst lie you have told to impress people?”

The worst lie. I once was late at school; I was thirteen and they asked me why I was late and I panicked and I said my mother died. And she was alive. No, they took it very, very, very seriously. As did my mother. Never again. I’m going to wait for her to die before I tell that statement – never again. She’s alive.

Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever flown a kite?

Oh yes. Black-painted kites, yes. Yep, I like my kites black. No, it’s a very stupid thing to do. *RH asks if kite-flying is popular in Holland.* On the beaches, yes, on the beaches these kites, flying around on the beaches. Birds not knowing what it is. Very exciting.

If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?

I’d go for the ham and use it to masturbate. It’s like someone else is doing it. *RH notes the sun cream-dispensing armpit could also be useful for that purpose.* You could do it out in the open, in the sunshine.

Should penis transplants be allowed?

In Japan. Anywhere in Asia. Yeah, only the rich would have huge cocks and the poor people would have tiny ones and that’s not fair, is it? There’s a famine and everyone has to sell their penises – oh my God, no. No, let’s not go there.

Why do elephants have such low rates of cancer?

They don’t smoke.

Would you consider sex with a ghost as cheating on your partner?

Not if you’re not in a relationship. If my girlfriend would fuck a ghost I would be jealous nevertheless. Yes, yes, yes. No excuse. “He’s dead.” “I don’t give a fuck. You fucked him.”

Do you ever worry that you have already lived your life and are now in a care home with Alzheimer’s disease and what you perceive as reality is just a distorted memory of the first time this happened?

Either way is fine with me.

LifeHacks.io: If you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?

I would jump into a pool of – well, water would be nice.

How do you sleep at night?

With my eyes closed, next to my girlfriend, like a fucking baby. Really, no problem.

Notes

RH forgot to bring his iPad, so he filmed with his phone instead.

Kickstarter: Product placement for yllwshrk. Piece of their music played through Chris Evans’s phone.

At one point HT lays his microphone on his chest, saying he’s giving his arms a break.