Title: The Naked Arsonist
Original Record Date: October 10, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 28, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: October 26, 2016
Please Welcome a Man
Who just yesterday afternoon was administering CPR outside the MI5 building by Voxer on the Thames and that is true.
I was in a fridge the other day and the milk in there was quite cool.
Guest Best Known
For his appearance on Celebrity Squares.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note Andy McH suggested that the committing crimes emergency question would eventually trip up Chris Addison
What was the most impressive celebrity that ever came to your school?
Princess Margaret, I think. She came and everyone had to line up, do some form of curtsy. And that was pretty much it. I’m not a monarchist, but that was fun. That’s the most famous person I can think of.
Did any future celebrities go to your school?
A few went to my school. Rafe Spall went to my school. *RH notes that this sounds like a posh school.* Oh yeah, Haberdashers’ Aske’s. it’s a Hatcham College, which was almost like the outreach one. So it wasn’t like, people might be familiar with the Haberdashers’ Elstree or Adams; Sacha Baron Cohen went to that school. But I went to the one in Newcross so, [unclear] went there. Uh, Scott Parker, the footballer. Sean Wright-Phillips and Bradley Wright-Phillips. So yeah, impressive alumni.
Did the siblings of any celebrities teach at your school?
Not that I know of.
Could you ever have sex with someone who called breasts “boobies”?
Yeah, I could. I could. It’s all in delivery, I guess. I think people who do that, refer to “boobies” is because people are quite repressed about their bodies still, so sometimes people say “boobies” and I’ve learned from experience, normally when girls are talking about each others’ breasts they’ll say, like, “You’ve got lovely boobs” or “boobies” because, yeah. Seems less leering, I suppose. Men user more, call things tits and such, which I think is more of a turn-off. Say, “Aw yeah, let me see your tits.”
If you were granted the powers of a King Midas, but could choose what everything was going to turn into, what would everything turn into?
What I’d like to turn everything into. Anything. I would like to think maybe some kind of nondescript energy. Can I say, yeah, just turn people into, just like, pure consciousness? So that way if people are, you know, conscious of their mortal coil and how they perceive it, then I guess everyone would be part of the collective consciousness again, and wouldn’t care.
Have you committed any crimes you have not previously admitted to?
Kickstarter: Tim Turner says, “Richard Dawkins claims to have seen dogs doing a 69. What’s the worst lie you have told to impress people?”
I told a girl a few years ago that, in fact, moths go towards the light because they’re looking for the darkest part of the room, which is behind the light. Makes no sense. Makes no sense. *RH asked if she believed the lie.* Initially. See, I forgot that Wikipedia existed, so… I bought her back though, with shots. That ended a lot happier than that sounded. Just want to give the caveat that we had fun.
Do you ever get mistaken for a different celebrity?
Uh, not mistaken for, but other comics I get mistaken for. Two comics in particular: one called Marlon Davis and another one called Nico Yearwood. And Nico told me when I was nominated people would buy him drinks. Which is fine, live it up, but don’t do anything too bad like […]
Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?
As a penis, is he still able to talk? If he’s entertained or aroused is he able to stand upright? I’m going to go with the other guy [man with little man as penis].
If you could choose the liquid that you weed, what liquid would you wee?
*After some explanation of the question, RH suggests abandoning this question in favour of the next.*
If you were God, what flavour would you have made ejaculate?
Well, I guess me being considerate of potential lovers, so, like, coconut water, I guess? So they can still have a similar consistency. *RH questions whether ejaculate and coconut water are of the same consistency.* I do very little research, post-coitus.
How do you sleep at night?
I toss and turn a lot when I sleep. So sometimes I start on my back. I normally sleep facing the door in case people come in, so yeah. It varies, but it’s normally facing the door. In case there’s a fire so I can help people and also because I feel like I have the physique of an arsonist. So I like to be able to get out and have my alibi sorted because I feel once the fire brigade arrive they’re going to take a look at me and say, “Well, there you go.” It’s just a thing I have. It’s why I also don’t sleep in the nude, because I’m just not a naked arsonist. And that’s an easy way to shift tabloid newspapers. Naked arsonist.
Who would you rather died: Windsor Davies or Matthew Crosby’s wife?
*RH asks if DB knows Windsor Davies.* Not that well, so I guess it’s him. I do know Matthew Crosby and I do know his wife. She’s really nice and Matthew is such a sweet guy, like picturing the grief on his face would just be on my conscience too much. So, sorry Windsor.
Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?
I guess it depends on your definition of a robot because surely a vibrator is a form of robot. And far be it from me to tell somebody what they should do with their vibrator. So yeah, I guess it’s not cheating.
Kickstarter: RH insults Nick Smee. RH insult: Your name is a rhyme for Dick Wee. Also, Smee is one of the pirates in Peter Pan.
Kickstarter: Currently in the audience, Richard Thompson was given a hat by RH. RH also gave a hat to Richard’s partner. They also received a bottle of champagne. RH also called him a fucking idiot for free.
Kickstarter: Audience member Richard Thompson asked, “Do you fear robots?”