Title: Cheese Lollipops
Original Record Date: October 17, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 2, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: November 1, 2016
Please Welcome a Man
Who has just spent half-an-hour talking to a 125 year-old man, and that is true.
I was in Xanadu with Olivia Newton John the other day. She had all those things ’round her head that’s cool.
Guest Best Known
From being a guest on Página 2. But she was also on Sunday Brunch in 2012.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note Andy McH present after donating £5,000 to RH’s Me 1 vs. Me 2 Kickstarter campaign, the fraud department contacted him to investigate
If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?
I’d need someone that I like pooing into my mouth and someone I hate strapped to my ass. Whose shit would be delicious, is basically what you’re asking me. Who do I think has a brilliant diet? Well, I mean, judging by the last season of Nigella, she eating a really lovely, healthy diet now, her bottom would be a pleasure to have your nose rammed into. I think I would absolutely, yeah I could happily have my lips sewn to Nigella Lawson’s anus. So that would be in front, and who would I shit into the mouth of? Well I guess he feels like he shits into my mouth, culturally, so it would probably be Simon Cowell. That is a cheap gag but I really mean it from the heart. He’s the only person I regularly attack in print. Anyone else, no, but I just think with his seven pounds to top his haircut and the palpable air of only having seven cd’s in his collection, two of which are the best of Robson & Jerome; and his wholesale stealing of the concept of music being on television, being the Karaoke Sauron and us just being trapped in his tiny record collection forever, genuinely gives me boils in my soul. So yes, I’ll shit into his mouth. Thank you for the opportunity.
If you dropped your phone down the port-o-loo at Glastonbury on the third day, would you retrieve the phone?
My prosaic, non-funny, 41 year-old answer is it’s all backed up to the cloud and I have insurance, of course not. But my amusing anecdote answer would be that would of the most noble things I’ve ever seen a celebrity do was – we camp in the backstage area at Glastonbury because we’re wankers and, um, one year in the absolute pissing rain we noticed that four doors – four vans – down from us Mark Owen from Take That was in the van with a couple of friends and his heavily pregnant wife. I watched him coming and going and he just had a very pleasant demeanor anyway. And then on the last day when you hire Winnebagos you have to rinse the toilet cassette out. I don’t know if you ever seen one; you have to pull out a cassette of poo and go empty it out down a toilet somewhere else. And on the last day of Glastonbury in the rain I watched Mark Owen from Take That just take the huge cassette of poo out of his caravan – volunteering himself willingly and cheerfully – and emptying out the collective shit of everyone in his van into the public toilets around the corner. And I was, like, “You don’t need to do that. You’re Mark Owen from Take That. Surely with your incredible wealth and fame you could just like that this *snaps fingers* and have someone else come over and remove the poo for you, but he emptied his poo himself. So given that he’s so at home with poo at Glastonbury I’d probably ask Mark to retrieve my phone for me.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Yes. When my granddad died I shared the room with my five siblings – we had two bunk beds and a mattress on the floor. And on the night that he died the cord from the light started swinging very slightly like this *makes motion with arm*. And we all screamed and went, “That must be Granddad.” Not taking into account that it was the middle of January and all the windows were open and a swinging light switch would be a common thing to see. We absolutely believed that was a ghost. Still, now, we believe that Granddad’s spirit was in that light cord. He’s a gentle ghost.
Prior to this recording, RH had spent half an hour interviewing Ally, the puppet made by his grandfather and used by Stewart Lee to masturbate RH.
RH also brought Ally to this recording.
RH notes that his great-grandfather who made him was a Methodist minister who used the puppet to illustrate parables.
RH also brought a female counterpart puppet names Sally.
The question about the phone down the port-o-loo was suggested by CW.
RH notes that his YouGov fan looks like Andrew Collins.
Ally the Puppet: “Aren’t men much better than women though? That’s the thing.”