Title: Over to our Human Centipede Expert
Original Record Date: October 17, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 23, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: November 23, 2016
Please Welcome a Man
Who just two days ago had diarrhea and then vomited on his diarrhea and then had diarrhea on his vomit and then vomited on that diarrhea.
I met Vanilla Ice the other day. I don’t know if you remember him.
Guest Best Known
For her appearance as Emma in the hit short film Hard To Swallow.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note Andy McH helps RH correctly video record on his iPhone Andy shown on RH’s hand-held camera in the front row bearded has had his beard for about two years claims to have lots of chins under the beard Sylvia shown on RH’s hand-held camera sitting with Andy likes that Andy likes his beard Neil shown on RH’s hand-held camera in the front row bearded has a much bigger beard than Andy postman
If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?
This is like a spit roaster? What? I don’t know of it; it’s not a thing. I’ve never heard of it. There’s a storyline with a twist other than a man being stitched to the anus of another man? So whose ass do I want my mouth to be sewn to? So you’ve got to like the person whose ass you are… I don’t want to eat anyone’s shit, Richard, if I’m honest. I don’t have a choice. And stitched onto the anus… Then Michael Gove, tripping along behind you. He’s in your life. He would spoil the fun of eating Gemma Chan’s shit. Argh, stuck with this guy. He won’t be saying much, will he? I’m still really upset about the concept. I mean, you’ve given it tons of thought. Someone you like enough to eat their shit and someone you hate enough to shit in their mouths. I don’t want to. I’m really upset. *RH asks if it was KG, RH, and Chris Addison, who would get which position.* You’re going on the back.
Have you ever been in a canoe?
What a climb down from human centipede. I have been in a canoe. I went to – It was one of those school trips when I was sort of eleven. One of those PGL – is it PGL? Does anyone know? Yeah, one of them. Did abseiling, canoeing, dry ski slope skiing. I do remember – I had to do abseiling in and the teacher, who was called Mr. Man, told me off for not abseiling properly. I was in a fetal position crying, which I don’t think is how you’re supposed to do it, and he said, “Just straighten your legs!” You’re meant to walk down a cliff, as if that’s just normal, and he said – I do remember him saying, “I wouldn’t mind, but you can’t even canoe.” That’s my canoeing story.
Which is your favourite bun that is named after a place?
I don’t know any buns that are named… *RH names Chelsea bun, Bath bun as options.* Oh yeah. What’s a Bath bun? *RH advises it’s like a Chelsea bun.* So do I like Chelsea, is the question, really? I’m not a massive lover of a bun. I don’t care about buns.
What is your third earliest memory?
Do you know what? I’ve got a shit memory. I don’t have good memories. I think I’ve got a memory and then I realize it was a photograph. Well, I can’t remember anything.
If you had your dream dinner party and you could invite anyone you wanted, living or dead, who would you employ to do the washing up? They are not allowed into the party but they will get tantalizing glimpses of the of the conversation but never hear the punchline so they’re not allowed in and it would be very frustrating for them.
Oh, that would be, wouldn’t it? Um, probably Renée Zellweger. She can’t come but she can wash up.
If you were granted the powers of a King Midas, but could choose what everything was going to turn into, what would everything turn into?
I don’t know. Because if you go edible, you – tarama salata I’d probably go for it was edible. But then that would get […] after a while. Nauseous of that. Um, gold seems like the best option; the original model. I’d go with gold. Well, like the car and the kids. You don’t want them to turn to anything. I mean, if you’re going to rutn them into a thing, make sure it’s something worth something, like tarama salata or gold. This is a new Sophie’s Choice twist, tarama salata or gold?
Have you committed any crimes you have not previously admitted to?
Right. Have you seen that old film with Edward G. Robinson when he kills someone and gets away with it and he’s haunted by his conscience? It’s like, you don’t get away with it. It would get in the way.
What is the worst misconception about you that is not true?
Are there misconceptions about me? *RH notes that this is a tricky question.* It is, because you have to know what people are saying about you. I remember once years ago when I was a teenager, when you’re sort of neurotic about these things, saying with a group of friends, “God, I’d hate to hear what people say about me behind my back.” And one of the friends went, “That you’re loud.” There we are. I’m not that loud though. That’s the answer: I’m not that loud. Gob-y, is a misconception about me. I don’t think I’m gob-y.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Hmm. I’d remember, wouldn’t I? It wiped my memory. I did tell you I don’t have a good memory, so it’s feasible I saw one and then forgot. You wouldn’t forget though, would you? I mean, that would be your top, within your top five anecdotes. So no.
LifeHacks.io: If you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?
It’s like the Midas one, isn’t it? Wouldn’t want gold then. Tarama salata.
Could you ever have sex with someone who called breasts “boobies”?
No. I would immediately stop. Cease. Oh, that’s horrific. No. Definitely not.
Do you think the Tim Allen film The Santa Clause could ever happen in real life?
What happens in that film? Right. Do I think that could happen in real life. Um, well do I believe in Santa Claus, is that the sort of question? So he’s not magic? Well if you’re going to buy into the thing of Santa Claus you might as well go all the way with the magic. Well he can’t do what he’s meant to do if he’s not magic.
Kickstarter: RH insults Owen Davis. RH insult: *In Welsh accent.* Oh hello, boy-o. I am Owen Davis. Where’s my seaweed? I want to eat some seaweed.” He’s a fucking idiot, basically, is what I’m saying.
Kickstarter: Patina Saunders is in the audience was given champagne and sitting in VIP seats.
KG had another gig after the RHLSTP recording.
Hard to Swallow spoiler,
RH states that his response to the human centipede question would be Gemma Chan in front and Michael Gove in back.
KG selects her top three ghosts.