Title: Cut Up By Prince Philip

Soundcloud Time: 1:24:05
Youtube Time: 1:24:03

Original Record Date: October 17, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 30, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: November 30, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s realized one thing he can’t say is “opprobrium”.

Cool Kids
I was talking to Teddy Ruxpin the other day. You remember. The talking teddy, wasn’t he?

Guest Best Known
For being on Richard Herring’s Leicester Square Theatre Podcast. He’s probably actually best known for being a man who can be seen in the audience for the TV taping of Are You Dave Gorman? in 2003.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Andy McH present
RH talks about his t-shirt
called “human centipede expert” by RH because he’s seen two of the three films
Unnamed bearded
“the font of all knowledge”
Andy in a baseball cap, but healthy
American
RH guesses he’s from New York based on accent, but he’s from Los Angeles
works in TV (RuPaul’s Drag Race)

Emergency Questions

Do you remember the first time you were stung?

Yes, I must have been under four because I remember we were in the first house I ever lived in. I was in a paddling pool and it stung me on the belly. And I can remember just the sheer incomprehension, “Why the – ?” I mean, you don’t know the word at that point but some part of you, some deep part of your brain finding the child version saying, “Why the fuck is that happening?” It’s an incredibly sharp pain, yeah.

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

I honestly think the biomechanics of this haven’t entirely been thought through. Because, you know, what about the gag reflexes? But how do you swallow? Because you’re presumably like *holds mouth open*, it’s difficult to swallow with you mouth open. I just… Where’s my nose? How much oxygen can I get in? How can they breathe though? You can’t breathe in also, because if the esophagus is… It’s sort of like being in a traffic queue. I’m fucking annoyed about the traffic queue but at least we didn’t turn up a minute later. Um, well. I would think probably the Queen and Prince Phillip. Not in the least because one of them would probably die. Actually, I think Philip would really just last. He’s leather, isn’t he? The other thing is, those are people who would be missed, so there’d be a search. You know, they’d be among the most missed people. Because, you know, if you went for – if you’d said – if you’d picked a rock star people would say, “Oh, it’s just a lost weekend, there’s no point looking for him.” But if the Queen and Prince Phillip were kidnapped and surgically attached to a human centipede there would definitely be – the police would definitely get called. I’d imagine they’d been chipped at the vet’s. The Royal Family have probably all been chipped. I bet Harry was chipped when he went out to Afghanistan. Because, you know, what if he got kidnapped? You need to know where he was, wouldn’t you? Eh?

What was the most impressive celebrity that ever came to your school?

The most impressive celebrity who ever came to visit my school. Ah, I’ve a feeling that James Anderton, the chief constable of Greater Manchester – And who believed that voices from God were directing his police work. I think he came and gave us a talk. I think he kept a lid on the views He had a very impressive beard. He would only take night-time speaking arrangements because he had to begin with, “Evening , All.” It’s a religious thing, for the police. Yeah, but I don;t remember anything about what he said. Dead now.

Have you ever been in a canoe?

I don’t think I have. Uh, no. No, sorry. Were you hoping for advice?

If you were God, what flavour would you have made ejaculate?

Well it really is, that’s what separates us from the animals, in many respects, is they don’t eat their own jizz. Well, I think one of the benefits of ejaculate being the flavour that it currently is is, you know, it shows a real commitment. You know, you’ve really got to – because nobody’s going, “Oh, I’d quite like…” You know, it means something, doesn’t it? Whereas if it was just chocolate you’d think, Is it me? Or do they just really like chocolate? Is this an act of love or hunger?

Have you ever seen a famous TV animal in real life?

Are there any left? No, uh uh. I suppose, actually, there’s those elephants at Bristol Zoo; they’re quite famous. No, I never have. And now I feel slightly unfulfilled.

How do you sleep at night?

I sleep less. Yeah, I’m getting old though. My kids are old enough now for them to be sleeping. Do you know what? So, the thing that’s really thrown me over the years because I’m naturally I would stay up late. Really late. I always think of Gary Bambridge – who’s on Twitter, you should follow him – who tweeted once – I think of this every night – he tweeted once, “I want to go to bed, but I can’t face the admin.” You know, when you’re on the sofa and you think, Oh God, I’d have to clean my teeth. You’d have to do it eventually. I’m partly one of those people – I used to do sort of really good work between midnight and two and it’s been very difficult, since having kids, that I can’t really work in that time. But there’s still some part of me that wants to stay up late, but then as you say, you have to get up and take them to school.

Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?

Wow. Alright, so let’s build up to this. So imagine the fabulous torch/masturbation aide combo the fleshlight; it looks like a vagina in a can. I’m a serial killer! So is that cheating? Okay, so that’s the thing. So you attach the vibrator or the thing – fleshlight – to, like, a shop mannequin. Is that cheating? Because? So now the mannequin… It sort of depends. *RH brings up robotic Gemma Chan*. I think at that point you would have to say, “Take the skin off. My wife’s home, take the skin off.” Beep, beep, beep – all of the blinking circuits underneath and then it’s slightly different. “Hello, darling. I’ve just been practicing a little with my machine.”

Would you consider sex with a ghost as cheating on your partner?

That doesn’t count because they don’t exist, so it’s irrelevant. And also, how would that work because they’re non-corporeal? How would the purchase work in that situation?

Notes

RH thanks Kickstarter contributors.

Kickstarter: Dean Rutland is in the audience was given champagne and sitting in VIP seats.

Kickstarter: RH insults Malte Helmert. RH insult: Name too ridiculous to insult.

RH appears to be recording audience with hand-held camera during chat with audience, but footage not included in published podcast recording.

This is CA’s second appearance.

RH notes that CA was on the first video-recorded episode of RHLSTP.

Kickstarter: Product placement for The Beer Card Games.

Kickstarter: Dean Rutland’s question to CA: “Can I have the beer?”

Kickstarter: If you could replace John Oliver as the host of Last Week Tonight but it meant that Community never existed, would you do it?