Title: Harry Potter Trivial Pursuits
Original Record Date: October 24, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: December 7, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: December 7, 2016
Please Welcome a Man
Who is eating a cheese lollipop right now. Mmm, delicious.
I was in Wolverhampton the other day. There’s no one cool there, is there? I was in Middlesbrough.
Guest Best Known
As the Young Man from Shih Tzu Bingo.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
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Member Member Note Katie wearing dungarees could not properly pronounce RHLSTP arrived late with friend studying to be a social worker Andy McH refused to suck off EG David Frew RH consulted him on the question of the physics of EG’s response to the pool emergency question advised that this was chemistry, not physics, and thus outside of his wheelhouse, but then confirms EG’s response
Could you ever have sex with someone who called breasts “boobies”?
During? Well I think there’s a difference. I think before, if they’re just being silly and, like, before when there’s messing around, “Touch my boobies.” During, there’s got to be a switch in vocab. Yeah, no, I’m out.
If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?
I’ve often thought I would be very good in those films in the middle, by the way, because it’s essentially eye acting. *RH points out that EG’s face could be obscured by a large butt.* Yeah, that wouldn’t get me on IMDB. I guess it would have to be someone with a very good diet but I think in that situation their diet’s prescribed for them, isn’t it? Because they’re not just living their normal life with… Like, someone has kidnapped us and sewn us together. It’s not them just, like… Go and live your life. Here’s a big coat have fun. I watched an interview with the actor, with the director and the actor. And you think these are weird people who made these films. Maybe, you know, maybe they’ve just got a sense of humour about the whole thing. And they were being interviewed and the director revealed that the man who played the, uh, the villain, he used all his own clothes for the movie. So someone, someone with a good diet up top; probably one of these like, uh, one of these vloggers. You know, that Ella lady, who puts pictures on her Instagram of really nice stuff she’s making. Smoothies and – aw no, smoothies. I didn’t think about that. Oh no, that’s going to be an absolute disaster. That’s going to just go straight through three people, isn’t it? It’s going to be like a log flume. Oh, we’ve not thought this through, Richard. Do you think I could request to the kidnapper that I go up front because I have type…? So but then they’re going to have to show me everything they’re eating so I can estimate the carb content, but then I think the carb content is going to be affected after it’s been through another human being. I think I’m going to just have to, you know, see how it goes. So yeah, smoothies and then into the mouth of… It doesn’t really matter, does it? They’re not going to be able to have a go at you about it.
Have you ever been in a canoe?
Why not? We all saw that question coming. I have, I have. Okay, he’s miming a canoe there. That was rowing. I used to row actually. Yeah, and we managed to capsize a boat in the Thames, and then one of my friends got Weil’s disease. I believe I have also been in a canoe on an adventure holiday when I was thirteen. They taught us how to capsize just in case we did capsize, and we didn’t. So the only time we capsized is when they made us capsize. So, that’s all you’re going to get from that anecdote, really.
Have you ever been possessed by a demon, or been accused of being a demon, and are you a demon? Because I think you’re a demon.
That’s one of yours? That’s a good one, right. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell between the good ones and the shit ones, isn’t it? That’s something you’re asking me now? *RH asks if EG has ever been possessed by a demon.* Um, no. *RH asks whether EG has been accused of being a demon.* No. *RH asks whether EG is a demon.* No. No demons – I don’t think demons are known for their secrecy. I don’t remember the bit in The Exorcist where they went, “Who are you?” and they went , “Oh, I’m just a girl.” Like, they knew it was a demon, otherwise they would have said, “We won’t get an exorcist in then.” And that would just be called The Girl Who Was a Bit Ill.
Have you ever been in the vicinity of a celebrity when they farted?
I mean, I must have been. I must have been. Because, you know, some people do little silent farts, don’t they? I told you this in the dressing room, I had a wee next to Jamie Foxx once. So sometimes men have a little fart at the urinal. *RH acts as though he just farted.* So there you go; Richard’s just done a pump there. And, rather arrogantly, suggests that now I think I’d been next to a celebrity when they’ve farted.
Have you ever sucked on a fisherman’s friend (lower case)?
Well, there’s so many answers to that question, aren’t there? I may have kissed a girl that was friends with a fisherman. That might – possible, I mean I can’t go into any of the details. I mean, that’s one of the ones where the humour is very much in the question. If you answer it you sort of spoil it for everyone, don’t you?
If you had to choose between killing all of the Eggheads and all of the Chasers on The Chase, which group of quiz nerds would die?
It’s gotta be the Eggheads, hasn’t it? *RH points out that there are more of the Eggheads.* So what, is this a fight situation? So I kill them but you’re suggesting I might be annoyed that it takes slightly longer to kill them? […] But Paul Sinha’s one of them, one of the Chasers. Yeah, he’s a very good stand up comedian, lovely man. Uh, so – and I don’t know the Eggheads. […] Would CJ be there? Well it’s got to be the Eggheads then, because if CJ is there he’s gotta be the sweetest kill. I mean, if we do it by a canal he might get startled at some point and…
Have you ever fallen out of a hammock?
Yes, I have fallen out of a hammock. A lot of these questions you answer about yourself before I’ve answered them. “Have you ever fallen out of a hammock? I have.” I don’t – in fact, I might not have fallen out of a hammock, I think it happened so quickly that I got tied up in the hammock. So, like a little bag of satsumas.
Do sperm have dreams?
I mean, that would suggest that sperm sleep. Are you saying that when you got to sleep your sperm all go to sleep? So if, like, you happen to wake up in the middle of the night and try and masturbate or have sex, your sperm are like, “Aw, fucking hell, night shift.” So they’re all having a little nap while you’re having a nap. *RH ponders what sperm dream about.* They only know where they live, don’t they? They don’t know outside of that. Yeah, this is the original draft of Plato’s Cave.
What is the worst misconception about you that is not true?
You know, just a little tip on these questions, Richard, you can’t make it good question by at the end going, “Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good question, isn’t it?” That’s a little Jedi mind trick of going, “Yeah, you thought they were all shit, but that one was brilliant in the end. Well done, Richard. This is a good podcast, actually.” I don’t think there’s any misconceptions about me. You went on the Internet, you couldn’t even find half of my CV. You can’t find any sort of scurrilous rumours about me. I tell you what, everyone’s always really surprised when I tell them that I’m really into heavy metal. Because I’ve got, like, a Coldplay face. I really do, I look, like, very mainstream indie. Really, I like horrendous bands where you can’t understand the lyrics.
MarshallJonesJr.com: Have you ever tried sushi?
*RH describes sushi.* Oh, is that sushi? Then yea, I have had tried it. I have tried sushi. I like sushi. I think it’s delicious. Sometimes I just have sashimi, I don’t even have the rice. Just, like, the fish.
LifeHacks.io: If you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?
So it’s a pool of anything? Well, I mean that suggests that I’ve thought about it in the past, doesn’t it? If I go, “Oh, I’ve always wanted to jump in a pool of that.” Um, I really like jelly. I could jump in a pool of jelly; I imagine that would be quite refreshing as well. *RH suggests that EG might bounce out.* I suppose if it was one big pool full of set jelly, but I was suggesting lots of little jellies, all poured into one big pool, and then they sink. *RH suggests that the small jellies might fuse together.* Well, I suppose if it was a hot day and then a very cold day nearly afterwards, then yes, the jellies would coalesce, Richard. But I was thinking, in my head it was lots of little jellies, in a pool, overcast.
BuzzNigeria.com: Which are your two favourite careers and why?
Buzz Nigeria. And this is a website, is it? Not a man? “I’m Buzz Nigeria!” Great guy. Now, ask me the question again, but as Buzz Nigeria. *RH does this.* Sounds an awful lot like all of your other characters. Good question, Buzz. Thanks very much. I like comedian. I like being a comedian. It’ll get there; just have me on in a few years. Comedian’s alright. I’d quite, I’ve always thought I’d quite like to be a chef. Oh, actually, a policeman. I don’t want comedian anymore. I want chef and policeman. Because do you remember that show Pie in the Sky, starring Richard Griffiths? I was always jealous of that, because he was both a chef and a policeman. So I think I’d like to be Richard Griffiths in Pie in the Sky. Yeah, I’d have to lose all the weight. He’s no longer with us, of course.
BuzzKenya.com: Is there anything purple within ten feet of you?
I should have worn a purple thing. Not as far as I’m aware. I imagine quite a few people make penis-based jokes. Well, it’s not purple. It’s very blue, weirdly. Awfully flat.
What is your favourite anagram?
Here we go. Back in the room, guys. I used to do a routine about anagrams. I used to do a routine about, uh, not eating fruit because I didn’t like the anagrams of what the fruits were. I mean, it was brilliant. I actually can’t remember any of the solid ones, I can only remember one of the difficult ones. […] It was, “So I don’t enjoy hip hop music in cold countries, because – ” oh no, “I don’t enjoy raspberries in cold countries…” I can’t remember it. It’s on – I did it on Russell Howard’s Good News in 2010. See me fat as well, it will be lovely.
Do you have a preferred ear?
I tell you what, we’ve already talked about smegma, but now we’re going to come to ear wax. I think we all enjoy getting a bit of wax out now and again, but, uh, the left bad boy always gives up a little more, so it is probably slightly preferred. Because I can get more out of it. *RH suggests using the wax to make candles.* I mean, when I say I get more out of it, it’s not a candle’s worth. It would be a long time though. But weirdly, that’s the one if I dig too deeply I cough.
Why hast thou forsaken me?
That one was definitely written at two in the morning in a panic. “What is a question that other people have said?” I don’t think I’ve forsaken you, have I, Richard? I’ve always been a big supporter of your work. I would never forsake you.
Do you Google yourself?
No, I don’t. Google’s a very poor way of finding out what people are saying about you. I don’t go and Google myself, no. *RH asks if EG reads reviews.* Not in Edinburgh anymore, no. No, you get sent… So I get sent if I get a good star-rating, I’ll know if I’ve got a good star-rating, but I don’t read the review. Yeah, I don’t read reviews; I’m mad enough already. I would never help me do a better show, would it? Someone saying you’re really good, it’s not going to make you want to be better, it’s just going to make me thinking, I’m really good, these people deserve me. And if someone says you’re bad, you’re just going to get all sad, aren’t you?
If Frankie Boyle is the Mick Jagger of comedy, the outspoken voice of the disenfranchised youth, dehumanized by the press and feared by parents nation-wide, then Dave Gorman is Ringo Starr. He’s an everyman. He’s well known and provides entertainment in a variety of guises, but he still gives the impression he’d be incredibly polite if he ever met your mother. Discuss.
Well that is depressing, isn’t it? I don’t know. I’m not particularly rock and roll, am I? I’d like to say, like, Iggy Pop or something, but I’m clearly not. So let’s work through from there. You know, Chris Martin popped up in my head; that’s depressing, isn’t it? To think I’m like Chris Martin, the most boring white man on the fucking planet.
RH notes that Channel 4 are making a programme wherein they create a robot version of Gemma Chan, which will also be presented by Gemma Chan.
RH names the woman to whom he lost his virginity.
RH had Ally and Sally, the puppets made by his great-grandfather onstage, and showed them to EG.
RH noted that he would soon introduce Ally the puppet to daughter Phoebe to witness her reaction.
Kickstarter: Product placement for Will Smith’s book Mainlander.
RH did some practice questions on EG for next week’s guest, Dawn French.