Title: Brian Blessed on Mars

Soundcloud Time: 1:22:37
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 7, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who has just appeared on Pointless Celebrities for the third time.

Cool Kids
I was down in the toilets with Zammo the other day. We were drinking some heroins.

Guest Best Known
As the executive producer of A Kitten for Hitler.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Dan clapper board man
Andy McH present

Emergency Questions

Have you committed any crimes you have not previously admitted to?

No. No, but do you remember – what was his name – from Eastenders or Cornation Street, Dirty Den? Yeah, so I didn’t grow up here; I didn’t watch any of that stuff and I wasn’t here when that happened and I thought, My God, that’s so weird because he seems to be still acting and that hasn’t really ruined his career. And I looked into his IMDB and I worked out that when he made the announcement that he had, in fact, murdered someone, overseas in Germany, I think it was, um, it kind of worked in his advantage because everyone thought, Wow, this is kind of – Dirty Den is like a real bad-ass kind of character. And on his IMDB the next role he played was he was cast in the movie Cluedo. As if they just went, “Perfect. He’s a real, live murderer.” I just thought, That’s amazing; it worked out for him.

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

I haven’t, no, but I know the world’s leading expert, which is Brian Blessed. He’s – Brian Blessed, as well as being an amazing actor, claims to be the leading bigfoot and yeti expert. And he said to me, the thing about bigfoot in Canada is they used to leave salt on the side of the road but the government don’t do it anymore because bigfoot keeps eating it all and it’s costing the country too much. So if you live in Canada or go there, notice there is no salt anymore. Because, yeah, it’s bigfoot prevention.

Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever flown a kite?

Uh, yes. No, no. I’m not very good at it. It’s so hard. One that I bought but then you make it yourself. No, I couldn’t get it up at all… and then I went out to fly a kite. And it wouldn’t fly.

MarshallJonesJr.com: Have you ever tried sushi?

Yeah, I love sushi. Really into it.

BBC: Have you got what it takes to be a spy?

I, I, yeah, I think I do. And I’m quite surprised that I was never asked, because I speak Mandarin, grew up in Hong Kong, and I have family that lives all over. So my sister lives in Abu Dhabi, my grandmother, up until two months ago, lived in a very small little place that’s outside Belgrade that’s unrecognized called [unclear]. She lived in Kosovo, Cambodia before that. My uncle lives in Singapore. So I have excuses to go to places and pretend that I should be there. But I’m starting to think that I’m the only non-spy in the family. Everyone else has got it covered. My parents: hairdressers in Hong Kong – come on. Bullshit.

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*?

There was a period where on Wikipedia that was the case, but no, I don’t know much about him. Because occasionally, in the early days when you’re doing stand up, you want to see if anyone has mentioned – before Twitter or Facebook – you’d be, like, did anyone mention my gig? And I’d go on and there was always – there just always seemed to be a new Dan Schreiber who had died; just always a new report. And I always thought of my friends Googling what’s Dan up to in England, how’s the comedy career? That’s the first thing: tragic death of Dan Schreiber in airplane crash. So I, I know about other Dan Schreibers but not the poker player.

Why do elephants have such low rates of cancer?

No idea, no. Cancer’s not really a sort of funny fact area for us. Try to stick away from that.

Would you consider sex with a ghost as cheating on your partner?

Okay, well, uh, I do know that Dan Aykroyd, he woke up one evening – *RH suggests this is a scene from Ghostbusters.* No, no, no, this is – so Ghostbusters is actually – Dan Aykroyd, who wrote it, he is obsessed with ghosts. He genuinely believes in ghosts and he based the story, or some of the characters, on the work of Hans Holzer. Hans Holzer is the most famous ghost hunter in the world, who died a number of years ago but I read an article with his daughter saying that, despite being dead, he still hunts ghosts. ‘Cause she’s not a ghost hunter and he goes along with her, so he’s in the house. But so Dan Aykroyd, he one night, he says, that he woke up in bed and laying next to him was a male ghost. And he thought, I could be hostile here and run away or try and scare it away but instead he played big spoon and he snuggled the ghost and they snuggled all night, sorry, all night long. So it’s not sex, but snuggling, I think is okay with a ghost.


Audio only.

Part of the podcast festival at King’s Place.

A Kitten for Hitler spoiler.

RH recounts childhood dream where he murders a small girl and buries her in the hills of Cheddar with his father’s help.

RH notes that he’s trying to get Brian Blessed as a guest.

DS foretells that RH will not say a word if he ends up interviewing Brian Blessed.