Title: Alien Orifice

Soundcloud Time: 1:08:45
Youtube Time: 1:08:51

Original Record Date: October 31, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: December 14, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: December 14, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Who died on this very spot exactly ten years ago. Have you ever seen a ghost? You will have now!

Cool Kids
I was hanging out with Avril Lavigne. She’s got this boyfriend, he’s, uh, he’s going on skateboards. So much she calls him Sk8er Boi.

Guest Best Known
As the Party Guest in Lipstikka.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
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Emergency Questions

Would you rather be lactose intolerant or the Prime Minister of the Central African Republic?

Do you know what? Lactose intolerant because I’ve sort or given up dairy anyway. Yeah, but my life wouldn’t change that much. But were I to be the Prime Minister, of any African region, it’s a lot. The thing is, my podcast is doing really well now and I feel like it would be much harder to do it in Africa/sort of build the listenership. And also the pressures of being a Prime Minister are probably quite time-consuming. So yeah, I’m going with lactose intolerant.

Do you think thunderstorms were invented by NASA to muffle the sound of space battles?

No.

Have you ever watched something on Facebook Live that hasn’t been totally shit?

Oh, yes I have. Phill Jupitus’s cooking show. So he, for his friends, he cooks – he cooks things and he lets you watch. But he does it like it’s an ITV, Saturday morning cooking show. But it’s just, like… But it’s really lovely because you’re watching him and then he goes – because you can see who comes on, so he goes, “Hello, Deb!” And then you can write things to him and I’ll say, you know, I’ll ask him a question, and say, “Are you still up for doing that gig on Friday night?” And he’ll be like – he’ll be cooking an omelet and showing you how to cook the omelet – and he’ll go, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there Friday night.” So it’s like watching an ITV cooking show on Saturday morning, except that the presenter can talk to you. You can’t talk to them but you can message them, and it’s really wonderful if you’ve, if you’ve – I don’t know, but is that just for people’s friends, Facebook Live? So you can’t see that, is what I’m saying, but I wish you could. It’s brilliant.

What is your most appealing habit?

*RH decided that this was too difficult a question and tried to move on.* My most appealing habit is probably that I have got a sort of fairy godmother complex.So I like to help people, but to the extent where it’s a bit too much. And I’m trying to quit it, I’m trying to stop it, but, like, I’ll be at a party and someone will say, “I’d like to do stand up.” And I’ll be, like, “Oh, well you should.” And then I spend all night kind of coaching them and then I offer to help them write some material and I meet them at a coffee shop on Saturday morning and I book them a gig and I go and see the gig and then I mentor them for six months. But at the same time somebody else has said, “Oh, I’m having problems getting promoted at work and I’ve got a difficult boss.” And I’ll be, like, you know, “Why are they a bit difficult?” “Well, I think they’re a bit sexist.” Well, we’re not having that. And then I get stuck coaching them and I got to this coaching programme and I go meet their boss. And it’s, it’s… I just get into people because I really love helping people, but that’s obviously not healthy, because why are you doing that? What are you getting out of that? That’s not normal. So I’ve tried to turn it into an Obi-Wan Kenobi complex. Because fairy godmothers have a wand and they wave it and fix everything for you, whereas Obi-Wan Kenobi gives you a lightsaber and teaches you how to use that. So if you were to say to me, backstage, having a problem, “My baby won’t sleep.” Like, before I would have come ’round and said, “Don’t worry, you guys go to sleep. I’ll babysit every night this week.” Whereas now I might go, “I’ve read a book about that.” And give it to you and leave.

Does sex with a robot count as cheating if the robot is an exact copy of your partner in looks and personality?

Oh, that’s a really interesting one. Does your partner know about this? If they know about it. Yeah, I think we, in the future – that sounds like a Black Mirror episode. In the future Charlie Brooker will arrange it so we can all do that, surely. And yeah, that’s a great idea actually. If we had the technology that means long-distance relationships would work a lot better because you go online and you have the chat that you have with a hologram – we’ll probably have holograms then – and so it’s like you’re having a romantic dinner with them. But a hologram having sex with you, I can only imagine *makes potentially lewd hand motion* – I wish I wasn’t making these fingers now – a hologram making the sex with you is not the same because you can’t feel a hologram but you can have dinner with a hologram; it would be lovely. But you then have the sex robot; now you can have a relationship with anyone anywhere in the world. If anything I think  you should trademark that right now and brand that as a RHLSTP […]

How about if the robot is an exact copy of what your partner looked like when you first met them?

Oh. I fancy my husband more now. Yeah, well he… yeah. He was kind of… Are you there? Is that you in the second row, is that you? No, that’s someone else. Oh my God, I so thought that was my husband. I saw him and thought, Oh, Tom’s in the second row. You’re not Tom at all. Who are you? Colin. I would have cheated on my husband with you tonight. Oh my God. You know, I thought he looked a bit odd in that light, and that’s because he’s a totally different man. Could I have a sex robot of Colin, please? Oh my God, what if that’s the sex robot? […] I’ll stick with Tom. […] No, I think… No, I think the Tom back then was good for Deborah back then but neither… Tom couldn’t be with me now and I couldn’t b with him then. Like, do you know what I mean? The old Tom would not be able to handle me. I’d just come out of a cult, I was quite young and naive and, sort of, wide-eyed. If that Tom then met this Tom now he would just run a fucking mile. He’d be like, “Too much, too much, too much.” Is that true, Tom? Are you in? Young Tom wouldn’t be able to take on now Deborah? “I’d have a go,” did you say? Did you say, “I’d have a go”? Aw, bless you. Aw, that’s lovely. Could we role-play that this evening?

Would you rather live in the waxy ear of a grumpy giant, eating only what flies in there by accident and not being able to make a noise for fear of a huge cotton bud, or live in Middlesbrough?

That is genuinely tough. Genuinely tough, because I think at least with the first one there’s adventure, there’s a story, I could get out of that and make an amazing Radio 4 show. Deborah Frances-White Lives in the Ear of a Giant, sure. I could probably get to make a feature film about that. Like, an animated feature film. There’s so much opportunity if I can get my way out, but once you’re in Middlesbrough you’re never coming out. That’s the sort of – well, it’s a one-way street from London to Middlesbrough. You can go from Middlesbrough to London, but I suspect London to Middlesbrough, you get off that train – you get off that train and there’s no more blow-jobs because it’s as if you’re dead. So, ear of the giant.

Notes

Halloween on the day of recording.

Kickstarter: Matt Baker is in the audience was given champagne and sitting in VIP seats.

DFW called Jesus “the Richard Herring of Nazareth”.

DFW leads audience in extended “RHLSTP” call-and-response.