Title: Nervous Lord’s Prayer
Soundcloud Time: 1:05:55
Youtube Time: 1:07:49
Original Record Date: November 7, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: January 5, 2017
Youtube Publication Date: January 4, 2017
Please Welcome a Man
Who doesn’t know who the next President of the United States is. You do, don’t you? But he doesn’t!
I was talking to Dave Prowse the other day. Not dressed as Darth Vader, he was dressed as the Green Cross Code man. He told me to take care crossing the road because he wouldn’t be there the next time I crossed the road.
Guest Best Known
As Barry Gale from Southampton Football Club’s new kit promotion video series.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
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Member Member Note Graham gave context to red sky/Shepherd saying from Brixton David Frew RH suggests that if David were a disciple he’d be Thaddeus
If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?
Whose shit would you want to eat? Forever, because you’re glued there, right? Romesh [Ranganathan]. And he’s been giving me shit for years; I might as well stick him up there. Who would I like to shit in the mouth of? I’ll just say Donald Trump. I just think that would almost be the worst thing, if he does. I’m hoping he doesn’t get in. It would be great. “You’re literally off now. We’re going to put you on a plane with this bird and fly you to England and you can suck up all of Tom Davis’s shit.” And he’s first going to say, “Who’s Tom Davis?” “You’ve got to watch Murder in Successville on the way.”
Would you rather have a mirror in which you can see all your dead relatives and friends but not be ale to talk to them but see them sadly waiting or would you like a voucher for 2-for-1 pizzas at Pizza Express, Monday through Thursday?
Pizza Express, all day long. [Unclear.] It’d be weird if none of them was smiling. One of them looks really hot.
Would you rather have public hair made from unremovable barbed wire, or be attacked by a rabid badger in your sleep once a week?
See, the barbed wire’s going to be tricky. That’s going to be a horrible thing. But if the rabbit doesn’t attack you on a Monday or Tuesday, you’re then waiting for it for the rest of the week. And if he varies, if he comes every Thursday and I were to come in, I’d get the wife out of the house and say, “We know he’s coming around tonight, that fucking rabbit. But, so I can prepare myself mentally for that. What is it? Oh, a badger. Is it scheduled? This is one of my favourite things. I got threatened by a guy when I was younger, by a guy who told me that – he’d literally said, “I’m going to be fucking around to your flat, I’m going to fucking give you a kicking. I’ll see you Sunday.” I said, “What time?” He said, “About 3:00pm?” “Cool. Alright, see you then.” Good luck with that, mate. I’ll go with… I’m going to go with the barbed wire. Yeah, I’ve got a small dick anyway.
Have you ever met a shepherd?
No, I’d like to. Yeah, I’ve never met one. Is there a shepherd in here? If I was in here I’d pretend to be a shepherd. Was it, “Red sky in the night, shepherd’s delight. Red sky in the morning, shepherd’s mourning”? What is that, anyone know? Who gives a fuck. There’s none of them here. Are they happy people? You think they look out onto a red sky and go, “Yes.” Does it mean if it’s going to be good weather or bad weather?
What is your most appealing habit?
My most appealing? I’m always very complimentary. Yeah, I always try and be nice to people. I always buy the first round, I always try to. *RH states thet he always tries to buy the first round as well.* Well then we have a fucking problem. Then you’ll see my worst habit.
If you had to have sex with either Zippy, Bungle, George, Geoffrey, or Rod from Rainbow, whilst Jane and Freddy at sex with each other next to you – but they’re married, that’s allowed, but can’t join in – which of the people from Rainbow would you have sex with?
No, I remember it well. I’m just thinking. Um, Zippy, if you were very good you could sort of shut him up. I think it’s fair to say if you’re had sex with a puppet, um, yeah, it’s embarassing. George is the hippo? Bungle used to annoy me, even as a kid. [Unclear.] I probably would go with, I’d go with George.
Does sex with a robot count as cheating if the robot is an exact copy of your partner in looks and personality?
Um, no I don’t think so. I mean, have you brought it together? Let me tell you something, if I’m making a robot it’s not looking anything like my wife. It’s not a compliment if I [unclear]. We won’t be needing you for a week. Instead of sex with a bunch of cardboard boxes.
How about if the robot is an exact copy of what your partner looked like when you first met them?
Shit. I’m quite lucky, my wife hasn’t really changed in the five years we’ve been together. She still looks beautiful, so, yeah.
If I’m born a bigot, does anyone have the right to tell me my lifestyle choice is wrong and I should change and be like them?
Yeah, but I think we’d all group around and try as hard as we could. I’m going to actually sort of play dumb here and say that I don’t know what bigot means.
Would you rather live in the waxy ear of a grumpy giant, eating only what flies in there by accident and not being able to make a noise for fear of a huge cotton bud, or live in Middlesbrough?
The thing is I’m an inch away from being a giant with very waxy ears. If I were an inch taller I would actually be a giant. I’d be a giant if I were an inch taller. Um, and you know what? I actually quite like Middlesbrough. I’d prefer the giant’s ear, obviously.
Do you think the Tim Allen film The Santa Clause could ever happen in real life?
Oh man. Do you know what? I’d dream that that would be me. That would be incredible; I’d love that. But what a job. I’d really enjoy – and he’s got loads of little guys running around for him, doing stuff. Is it kids in that one, isn’t it? It’s kids? Is it kids working? As the elves? I don’t remember. Slave labour. That one where he goes to China, working for Nike. No, I think that would be incredible, right. Wouldn’t you want to be Santa Clause? You would take your wife and kid with you, I’d have thought. They’d probably let you do this still.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Uh, actually I think when I was a kid there was sort of a weird thing at the end of my bed once. Could have been me dad, stumbling in from the pub. No, it was like a creepy sort of old man who said, “I’ll be back soon.” And never came back. So he was either a pedophile who broke into my house, took one look at me and thought, Ugh. Gone out the window, his mates are, “Anything?” “Nah, leave that one. Don’t go into number 76. He’s not for us.” Or it was a ghost?
Have you ever been in a canoe?
Yes, yeah, yeah. It was alright. I mean, yeah, it was quite enjoyable, sort of trip. Yeah, you worry about capisizing. We did it in a swimming pool and the worst thing I was more worried about hitting my head on the bottom. I could actually just touch the bottom and turn myself back around. Yeah, I’m not really into all that sort of outdoorsy shit.
MarshallJonesJr.com: Have you ever tried sushi?
Yeah, I’ve become quite the big fan of sushi. Yeah. When we do [unclear] we do that in Bulgaria, so it’s funny because Bulgaria – yeah, they have some sushi bars that have opened up. The set food in Bulgaria – the first time I got out there – was raw chicken. I was like, “Oh, this chicken’s raw.” “That is how we have it.” I was like, “Oh, right.” And it was really sort of, I mean, I’m hoping it was chicken. I didn’t eat it. And for dessert we had milk and chives. Had that for two months. So, yeah, I sort of lived off sushi. I became a big fan of it.
If you had to permanently seal up one of the holes in your body, not including the pores in your skin of your hair follicles, which would you choose?
If I sort of close up me asshole. The shit is still coming. Where would it come out? My mouth? My dick? I mean I’m guessing that if I’m doing that I’m asking for some reconstruction down there. You know what, the older I’ve got, the more I love a piss. One of my favourite things in the world. It used to be other stuff, but… *RH asks if TD would keep his urethra open.* Oh yes, definitely, That’s a posh word for it, but… […] Fuck it, one nostril then. Pull a Westbrook.
Why did Jesus say, “Why hast thou forsaken me?”
Um, I had one of my worst auditions for a religious film. John the Baptist. So I get a call about this audition. And Kevin Reynolds, who made Prince of Thieves and Waterworld, it’s out now, you can go watch it although I wouldn’t advise it. It’s not very good. I’m not in it. He’s basically making a thing where Christ died and the days between him coming back. About his disciples. *RH points out that John the Baptist would have been dead by that point.* It was John, whoever he was. I thought it was John, obviously not correct. It was the guy who made the Lord’s Prayer, that’s the idea. I’ve not seen the film, but this was the part. So I rock up and everyone else there is quite chiseled and good-looking. And I’m thinking, Oh, shit. I’ve never done any jobs. So I walk into the room and the guy says, “Okay, so you playing John the Baptist”, or whoever else, whoever you might need to play for the story for it to make sense. So the bit is, you’ve got to read the Lord’s – the scene when they’re all sitting around the campfire. And your character is reading out the Lord’s Prayer for the first time. So I play a bit like, “Our Father, who art in Heaven…” And he went, “Have you forgotten the lines?” And I said, “No, no, no, no. I just think that when he reads it for the first time he’s not very confident about it. He’s probably thinking, What are people going to make of this? You’ve got to be a right fucking dick to walk in and go, “Oy, have a dig at this.” And I’m trying like John is that sort of bloke. And he starts laughing. And then I had another bit where I’m sort of like, saying about, you know, going back to Jesus. I can’t remember what it’s called – Cassius the guard or something. Sort of completely [unclear] the audition. And walked out. And everyone’s sitting there, these dramatic actors. And all they’ve heard is people laughing in the room. And this guy looked at me and went, “Hey, hey. Is it a comedy?” I went, “Yeah.”
Kickstarter: Jodelle is in the audience was given champagne and sitting in VIP seats.