Title: Milk Tart
Soundcloud Time: 1:25:08
Youtube Time: 1:25:21
Original Record Date: November 14, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: January 12, 2017
Youtube Publication Date: January 11, 2017
Please Welcome a Man
For the first post-president elect Trump podcast. Will you please welcome a man who’s quite upset about that?
I saw some kids down at the local library playing with a Rubik’s Snake.
Guest Best Known
For her appearance and – I think – narration of the show Disaster Chefs. Though you’ll also recognize her from Don’t Drop the Baton.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note David Frew corrected SC about the difference between kayaks and canoes
If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?
Richard. I’ve not watched it but I understand the concept. You… Can I ask, because I haven’t seen it, is my mouth sewn to the anus? Okay. I would have – do you want to know the answer? Gillian Anderson in front and – I’m trying to think. I can’t say anyone I know in case I meet them. So, I’m going to – No, I’ll say Helen Mirren. Yep. It’s not who I actually want, but I don’t want to say anyone I know because it will become awkward. I wanted Claire Balding, but, you know, I know her. She won’t listen to this, actually, so I’d like Clare Balding. Clare Balding in the back, and *makes imagining tasting sound*. Clare Balding in the back and Perkins in the front.
Have you ever been in a canoe?
Yeah. Ah, wasn’t really my favourite thing. I was at Lochgoilhead when I was at school. It may have been a kayak. What’s the difference? I think the canoe’s for one person and the kayak’s for more than one person. *Audience member corrected SC on the difference between the two.* I’ve been in a canoe then and I didn’t really enjoy it, in the same way that I don’t really enjoy skiing or horse riding. I don’t really enjoy anything where you can’t hold a drink and a fag at the same time. I find them pointless pursuits.
Have you ever been in a police car?
I wasn’t – why because I was a lawyer would I be in a police car? You don’t get arrested with your client at the same time. Or, just hanging around someone who’s a bit bad news so when they get arrested I can go straight with them to the police station. That’s not what happens, Richard. You don’t phone the policemen and say, “Can I go to work, Mr. Policeman?” I’ve never been in the back of a police car.
Have you ever met a shepherd?
Yes. Alright. Man shepherd. He had quite a lot of [sheep]. Well, I used to stay on a farm when I was on holiday, with sheep. I’m not going to say his name.
Would you rather have an elbow made of marshmallow, or a foot that transformed into a werefoot every full moon?
Werefoot. Yeah, but if your elbow was constantly made of marshmallow then you couldn’t do anything with your arm. And it would just be awful and awkward because, you know, if you’re in London and people are bumping into you and your marshmallow would be bumped into all the time. So I’d rather take that foot, I’ll be very honest with you, Richard. My wife plucks my toe hair anyway, because I have very, very long toe hair – I don’t have a problem with it. If you wear sandals in the summer it’s lovely to feel the wind blowing through your toe hair. It’s a beautiful thing. I’ve stopped now because I just don’t care any longer. because you know, at the beginning of a relationship you’re bother and then you think, Well, you won’t find anyone anyway now, and… You know, no one would take her on. So I just leave it. Sometimes when I’m in the bath it’s like seaweed.
Would you rather be lactose intolerant or the Prime Minister of the Central African Republic?
It’s difficult, because I like milk tarts, as all my fans do. I think I’d rather be president of the Central African Republic, yeah. I can’t drink coffee without milk in it. Because I couldn’t have a custard cream, you see, because that’s got dairy in it. I’d go there. My career’s doing fuck-all anyway here so I may as well go and become a, like a demagogue over somewhere in Africa.
Would you prefer to have lungs that turned oxygen into jam that would come out the pores of your skin and be scraped into bottles and sold, as long as you didn’t tell your customers where it was coming from, or an anus that weeped mānuka honey, which could also be sold, although imagine the anger if people found out where you’d been getting that sweet, sweet honey?
*RH notes that mānuka honey is very expensive.* Do you think – are you suggesting that I wouldn’t know that? Because I’m from Scotland, I don’t know what expensive things are? You audience are apparently – I know what mānuka honey is. Hmm. Jam for the simple reason that is my anus was weeping any substance it would cause chafing. And if you’ve ever had anal chafing you know it is quite painful. Any form of moisture in the anal region will cause chafing. And if you imagine if it’s the stickiness, it’s essentially like waxing your anus every day. If you’ve ever caught a pubic hair – a back pubic hair – on something, that’s really sore.
Kickstarter: Brian O’Callaghan is in the audience was given champagne and sitting in VIP seats.
This is SC’s second appearance.
SC and RH continue their faux-flirting.
Brief moments of this recording were bleep censored.