Title: Old Man’s Pants Under The Bed

Soundcloud Time: 1:15:03
Youtube Time: 1:15:19

Original Record Date: November 21, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: January 25, 2017
Youtube Publication Date: January 25, 2017

Please Welcome a Man
Who was standing in an unpleasant fart cloud about two hours ago in a tube, which was not his own.

Cool Kids
I was down at Shrek Adventure London. It’s good, they put a Shrek in it. There was a man dressed as a Shrek there.

Guest Best Known
For her work as a runner on the TV show Our Friends in the North.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
David Frew nuclear physicist
advised SM on rules for best before dates

Emergency Questions

If you had to live out the rest of your life being either Toby Young or Dom Joly, would you just kill yourself now?

I’ve not met either of them, to be fair. God that’s really hard. What methods do I have to kill myself? What options are there? The usual options? I don’t know. What was that? Death by testicles, did somebody say? Maybe Dom Joly?

Does sex with a robot count as cheating if the robot is an exact copy of your partner in looks and personality?

Well, why are you bothering then? Does your robot do different things to your partner? Just the same things to your partner? So your partner knows? Your partner’s given consent? Well, that’s fine; it’s not cheating. *RH asks if this isn’t a waste of a sex robot.* Yeah, because there should definitely be somebody else who does dirtier things. Shouldn’t it? Or would do less than my partner does. Please just cuddle me. I think robot cuddles would be rubbish because they’d be really cold, wouldn’t they? Could you cover one in, like, fuzzy felt? If you could cover a robot in fuzzy felt that would be worth spooning.

How about if the robot is an exact copy of what your partner looked like when you first met them?

Oh no, because then I would feel really old and fat. Because I like that we’re aging and putting weight on at the same speed. I’d feel like a fucking house. If they were, like, you and sort of slim and, no no. *RH makes disparaging comment about SM’s husband’s weight.* I don’t remember you being that fucking slim. But we all had Stewart Lee to compare him to. We don’t anymore so we don’t know how fat he is. No, I think I wouldn’t want somebody who was young. Who wants to have sex with – oh you do, don’t you? Look at your face. I like men – oh, I’m going to say I like men in their forties. You’re in your forties – I didn’t mean all men. Oh that’s alright then. I wouldn’t want to go out with a thirty year-old, no. No. So no, I’ll just stick with the one I’ve got. Is that an option?

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

So whose shit would I eat and who would I like to eat my shit? Well, I’ve not seen the film but I read the reviews. I think I’d like an old school buddy to eat my shit. Is that alright? And whose shit would I eat? Schofield? Phillip Schofield, probably. I’ve loved him since I was thirteen. I don’t think there’s anything he could do that wouldn’t make me love him. *RH describes Schofield as fruity.* Fruity? You mean he eats quite healthily? My school buddy would have a horrible time because I’ve got terrible IBS. It’s a good job she’d be sewn on because she wouldn’t get to it quick enough otherwise. You’re welcome.

LifeHacks.io: If you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?

Uh, custard. Yeah, cold. Yep. I don’t like warm custard. I had old custard the other day. How – you know if you have a tin of custard? How long past the best before date can you eat it, do you think? How long? Five years? No, no – a tin of, like, ambrosia… Five years? Well that would be alright then. It was only three months out of date. Oh, some people are appalled at me. What, am I supposed to eat a banana on its fucking own, am I? Who does that?

Did any future celebrities go to your school?

My school? No, I don’t think so. No, there’s people from South Shields, but I don’t think my school.

What was the most impressive celebrity that ever came to your school?

Kevin Smith’s dad, who was a diver. Genuinely, we were fascinated by his job. No, no famous people came to the school, I don’t think.

How do you sleep at night?

I’m taking you literally. On my chest. Yeah. I have to have a cushion under my feet just to sort of balance me off. No, I sleep, yeah quite comfy. I generally sleep very still. I wake up in the same position I feel asleep in. But my husband is a wriggler.

Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever flown a kite?

No. I haven’t ever. It’s never – I wasn’t outdoorsy, you see. I had an imaginary library, but I have never flown a kite. *RH asks SM to expand on the imaginary library.* So the books were real and I’d ticketed them all. It wasn’t open to the public though because it was my bedroom and the only customers that came in were teddy bears. So it was technically an imaginary library. But they were all alphabetized. The first one was Janet and Allan Ahlberg’s The Ha Ha Bonk Book, which was a joke book. And it was excellent.


Kickstarter: Victoria Letts is in the audience was given champagne and sitting in VIP seats.

Kickstarter: Colin Anderton is in the audience was given champagne and sitting in VIP seats.

Kickstarter: Tom Sawyer is in the audience was given champagne and sitting in VIP seats.

This is SM’s second appearance.

RH and SM have an argument over who has “won” in their podcast scrimmages.

SM and RH continue their faux-flirting.