Title: Altercation With A Shepherd
Original Record Date: November 29, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: February 9, 2017
Youtube Publication Date: February 9, 2017
Please Welcome a Man
Who this morning woke up with a mysterious round mark on his wrist that he cannot explain. He wasn’t even drink last night.
I was down at the house where The Apprentice candidates hang out.
Guest Best Known
For her appearance on Clive Dunn: A Tribute.
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If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?
Okay. Okay, okay. Front: Kim Wilde. Rear: Jeremy Clarkson. I don’t really want to elaborate any further. I just love Kim Wilde. I’d do anything with her. *RH notes that since she’s a gardener Kim Wilde would probably eat a lot of fresh produce.* Yeah, earthy, but that’s fine.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Ooh, no. I think they’re bollocks. I did once – I once stayed in Jamie Theakston’s house when he wasn’t there, which he may be freaked out by. My friend knew Jamie Theakston and we went to stay at his house and she had a dog with her. And there was a room in Jamie Theakston’s house that the dog wouldn’t go into. And it was kind of – because it was a like a lovely, big, old… Like, I think Anne Boleyn had lived there at some point. It was a lovely old pile. And the dog was happily pottering around and there was this one door that the dog got to and it was like, *imitates barking*. And um, we were like, “Oh, let’s go and have a look.” And we were sort of thinking, it could be a ghost or it could be a sex dungeon. We’re not sure. It was neither, it was neither. I should say that.
Do sperm have dreams?
No. I mean, it’s sort of weird, isn’t it? When you think probably sperm are like all of us where you believe you are something but you are just one of millions and you are eventually swallowed up into something that you don’t really understand. We’re all sperm in a way. Aren’t we all sperm? I think we’re all sperm, really. Do you know, I had – you know you were talking about, you were talking about your dream about Mastermind, I had a dream last night about doing this show and I dreamed we were doing a cookery item. I don’t know, maybe we should.
How do you spell diarrhoea?
D-I-A-R-R-H-O-E-A? *Receives round of applause.*
What was the most impressive celebrity that ever came to your school?
It was Alan Beith, MP. Of the Lib Dems. Yeah. I was very taken with him, yeah. He came to talk and I was in the sixth form as well; we’d never had a celebrity in before. And, I mean, he looks like a pastie. He sort of has this slightly, um… But I was, you know, it was my first taste of, like, oooh, a celebrity does something to people. Because he spoke and he was very passionate and, you know, he talked about politics. And I was, like, kind of Lib Dem, I mean, you know, never mind Cleggmania. I had Beith Frenzy for a while.
Did any future celebrities go to your school?
Um, at the same time as me, no, but Jan Leeming went to my school. I know. So, yeah, that was all we needed, really. Me and Jan Leeming, that will do. They can shut the school now.
Did the siblings of any celebrities teach at your school?
Have you got a story about this? Okay, um… […] We had – my friend Joe Nove was the niece of Charles Nove, who used to do the nighttime show on BBC Radio 2.
Have you ever seen a famous TV animal in real life?
That’s the thing. I’m going to walk away and when Peter’s on later I’m going to run back onto the stage. Because I bet I will have done. I bet I will have done.
Have you ever met a shepherd?
Do you know, out of all the questions you could have asked, I was thrown out of a sheep-shearing display. That’s hilarious, yeah. I got thrown out of a – you know those sort of country farms where they have those farm parks and, um, I got into an altercation with the shepherd who was doing the sheep-shearing display. And I got escorted out of the… No, this was, like, last year. This is terrifyingly recent. No, he was a very good shearer. He was a very good shearer. Because I, like, I go to a lot of these country farm parks and there’s always falconry or sheep-shearing. And I’m now an expert in both. And the sheep-shearer came out and he was a new one, because I’ve seen most of the ones that are currently working on the UK circuit, and he came out and he had this, uh, this lovely-looking sheep. Lovely sheep. And he was just really – because you know they often do, like, a joke for the mums and dads. Like, they’ll come out – Have you not been? Like, when Phoebe’s a bit older you will go; you will go to these things. And they do – because, you know, they want to make it a bit interesting for the mums and dads and so they normally do a kind of, “Hey guys, what do you call a Welshman with a sheep under each arm? A Pimp.” or “Did you hear in New Zealand they just found two new uses for sheep: meat and wool.”, right? Ha ha ha ha. So, you know, your classic sheep-shagging gags. *RH states that he just comes right out and says he fucked a sheep.* Well, that’s what he did. That was – he was the Richard Herring of sheep-shearing. because he did. He just came out and went, “Oh yeah, this little lady, she’s a bit of a wriggler. Not like me ex-wife. I’m going to have to force her head down now. Oh yeah, force her head down. Yeah, not the first time I’ve done that, hey guys?” And then he said, the worst one was, because he was talking, like, they always do a bit of [unclear]. It was such a weird… Because everyone was a bit, “Ooooh.” And then he said, “This little lady, she’s got lanolin. And lanolin’s a kind of grease, which means she comes with her own lubrication.” So anyway, I – and there’s a rule in comedy where you never heckle another comedian, but I’m looking at this guy thinking, Well, he’s a shepherd. I don’t know if the same rules of professional courtesy apply. So I did, I heckled. Well, I didn’t heckle but I tutted. I tutted very loudly. And I got thrown out. Well, a youth in a t-shirt led us off. It doesn’t take much security to get me out of a building, as you can imagine. Yeah, they said, “I’m sorry, madam, could you – you’re upsetting the sheep-shearer. Could you leave?” And I had to just walk out. Yeah. And I was like, he’s the one who’s, you know, talking about bestiality. They’re very rough and ready in the shepherd world, aren’t they?
Using the hand-held camera, RH shows mysterious mark on his right wrist.
Kickstarter: Matthew Payne is in the audience. Was given champagne and sat in VIP seats.
RH states that he would rather win Pointless than Celebrity Mastermind.
Kickstarter: VIP Matthew Payne asked LP: Which is best: Have I Got News for You? or The News Quiz?