Title: Pasta-based diet

Soundcloud Time: 1:10:55
Youtube Time: 1:11:20

Original Record Date: June 5, 2017
Soundcloud Publication Date: June 21, 2017
Youtube Publication Date: June 21, 2017

Please Welcome a Man
Who this time has not managed to think of anything to say in that short walk between coming off stage, doing the bit before, and then coming on.

Cool Kids
I was down, uh, at , uh, uh, some… I was down at a place with some young kids and they were doing the Harlem Shake.

Guest Best Known
As Paroles in All’s Well That Ends Well‘s 2004 Edinburgh Fringe student production. That’s a Shakespeare play. He was also in two episodes of Sunday Brunch.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Unnamed aided RH with pronunciation of “Paroles”
RH noted that he should have been shooting with his hand-held camera as audience member was handsome
David Frew present
RH asked him when the original Postman Pat aired
Unnamed loud during recording
Leicester Square Theatre employee went over to speak with him
RH told him not to put his feet on the stage

Emergency Questions

Did any future celebrities go to your school?

I think the artist Grayson Perry went to my school; he’s the top one.

What does “mansplaining” mean?

That’s when a man… That’s when, um… It’s when a woman says something and a man behaves as though she hadn’t said it at all. And then he just says it again but as though what he’s saying is, “You won’t have understood that because a woman said it, so I’ll say it so you can understand it”.

Have you ever seen a starling?

Is this also about gender? They’re rare, aren’t they? Oh, they’re not? I know that they look like – they have speckles. They’re a speckled bird. I’ve seen one. I’ve seen one, mate. I didn’t knowingly see a starling.

Would you rather be lactose intolerant or the Prime Minister of the Central African Republic?

Was that sort of put to him? In a sort of “pull yourself together moment”. “Are you going to let this lactose intolerance get in the way or would you rather go out there and be the President? Now go and drink the ceremonial milk and sign yourself into office.”Um, yeah, they’re both obviously a big ask, aren’t they? I’d be president. There’s no power involved with being lactose intolerant, is there? Both require a responsible attitude. You’ve gotta concentrate.

Is there a race of people who you secretly believe should be exterminated in death camps?

Oh God, who would I like to see the back of? Hemel Hempsteadians.

Do you think Toy Story 2 could ever happen in real life?

Well that did happen, didn’t it? That was a documentary. Why Toy Story 2, out of interest? So Toy Story 1, we know that’s impossible. That’s ridiculous.

Have you ever irked a postman?

I, I don’t think – I’ve hardly ever seen a postman. Unlike starlings, which, you know, ten a penny.Oh I have actually, I have irked a postman because I tried to put a package into a letter box. And he said, “It’s called a letter box, not a post box”. Which is like… So, what he’s saying is if you’ve got a package you should take it to a post office and put it in that vat of other packages. I’ve never seen [a letter box’ full though. I mean, I’ve never seen… Whatever he said to me, post box is a word, that’s just a fact. It’s a good, solid word.

What is your favourite track by the performing artist Joe Dolce?

Yeah, it’s hard. Um… hang on a minute. [Unclear.]

If you could teleport anywhere in the universe right now, where would you go?

Chad. Got a little worried about time there. Kind of short.

Who do you think deserves a statue of themselves who hasn’t got a statue of themselves currently?

Tons of people. Alan Turing? *Audience member advises one exists.* Has he got one? Alright, Phililip [Unclear]. *Two audience members advise one exists.*

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

Yeah, I do not what it is. I mean, two of the other Inbetweeners, and I imagine that would be, depending on when this goes out, just the third film. That’s it. Yeah.

Would you rather your anus was replaced by a cat’s anus, or your public hair was replaced by a cat’s whiskers?

Both are an upgrade, to be honest. *RH notes that the cat’s anus would cause cat-like poos, and the cat’s whiskers would allow JT to determine the capacity of a space to hold his penis.* Good point. It’s worth knowing. Well, we’ll go for [whiskers] then. Well, they’ve both got problems. *Speaking about whiskers.* Well, they stick right out.

What are your nine favourite things about Norway?

Well, the nine-strong troupe of Norwegian, uh, you know, the, um… Norway’s wonderful, let me tell you. Well, you know… Um, the four letters in “Oslo,” that’s four. And then, um, five of letters in the word “Norway”. You know, no one can accuse me of not knowing about Norway. *RH points out that three of the letters are o’s).Okay, okay, we’ll get rid of the o’s. There you go – N, R – Oslo…

What is your favourite archaic word or phrase?

I like “fell”. As in the adjective “fell”. “Smote”. Ah, I like, uh, I like old-fashioned uses of current words like “yet”. So like, “though I am old, yet and am strong and lusty”. Yeah, so there you go. So that doesn’t ring wrong and it sort of means “still,” how we use the word “still”. Uh, and I once spent ages thinking about the word “but”. You know, “but for this, but that we could have…” That seems to be used just all over the place. It’s like a blank in Scrabble. You just put it anywhere in a sentence and it seems to change. And I was convinced that it was being used – I didn’t get involved in the end, but in ways where it seemed like they were using it to mean opposite meanings. It sometimes seemed to mean everything except this and other times it seemed to mean that it was only this one thing. So anyway, if somebody could pick up my research. I’ve got, I’ve got a box of files.

Would you rather be immune from ever getting chlamydia or have free Kit Kats for life?

So stay the same and have some Kit Kats? I’m pretty, I’m pretty – I think I’ll run the risk of chlamydia. Am I really going to be bothered? I’ll just live inside my Kit Kat house.

Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?

Oh my God. Uh, I think… I’m engaged now, yeah. To a human. *RH notes that JT’s finacée is a human as far as JT knows.* Yeah, yeah. Very convincing. Totally convincing. Is it cheating? I don’t know, I think you should have sex with humans. I think that robots don’t like it – if the robot likes it, maybe. It’s an interesting area. Can the robot feel sad? Can the robot feel melancholy? *RH states that he doesn’t care.* Well that’s the thing. So actually I think if it’s that, you shouldn’t. If the robot is actually like a human and can feel, you know, lost… If the robot can feel pain… I think sex with humans for now and then we’ll revisit it 2045 or something? We’ll get back together.

Notes

RH announces that he and CW are expecting their second child.

After asking the teleportation emergency question, RH gave JT a five-second countdown before he had to answer.

RH asking the human centipede emergency question received a round of applause.

RH sings final emergency question in plainsong style, as though emergency questions book was a religious text.

Kit Kat question stipulates 365 four-finger Kit Kats per year, 366 on a leap year.