Title: Tape in a Bag

Soundcloud Time: 1:11:57
Youtube Time: 1:13:20

Original Record Date: July 26, 2017
Soundcloud Publication Date: August 30, 2017
Youtube Publication Date: August 30, 2017

Please Welcome a Man
Who has just handled David Baddiel’s laptop and is wishing he’d washed his hands before he came onto the stage.

Cool Kids
I was making a sex tape with Paris Hilton the other day.

Guest Best Known
For being Morton Frog on The Pinky and Perky Show revamp in 2008.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Worse
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: Like

Member Member Note
Andrew in the front row
works as a mental health social worker
Patsy sitting with Andrew
works in pathology
Dean in the front row
American
RH remembers speaking to him previously
Nick in the front row
runs a pub in Carshalton
bearded

Emergency Questions

If you had to be anally violated by a popular chocolate bar, if you had to, which chocolate bar would you choose to be inserted in your anus?

If it had to – like gun to your head time? But anything on the counter? Well, that’s a difficult choice, but it would probably be a Fudge, you know? Yeah, well it’s not too big and they do the job, I suspect. Whatever it is the job that you, uh… I would worry on a hot day. Yeah. It would have to be the middle of winter when we did this. *RH suggests that it could get stuck in the anus.* Too far? Well it could do, yeah, but that’s the same with any of the bars. If you used a family bar of Galaxy you’d struggle with that. I mean, I would struggle with it, I don’t know how you’d get on.

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

Gun to the head. Where does my head have to go? Oh, man alive. Um, so I’ve gotta stick my head in there. Do you ask this question a lot? This is a real popular one. So, if I had to. Let’s think now. Um, who would be up for that? I was just going to go through the phonebook and see who wouldn’t mind doing that. Um, I think someone off of, someone from Hollywood in the front, yeah. I’m just trying to think. Someone I work with who wouldn’t mind doing this. Um, I don’t know. In the front… It’s a good question. I’m going to answer the question. Probably someone like… is it Judy Garland up the front? She wouldn’t know. I just went through my phonebook and I got to “G”. And I think Judy Garland would be fine. No one knows how she would react in that position. I think that’s, that’s, you know, something we need to bear in mind. And then up the other end let’s, let’s stay in that era. I think probably Sammy Davis Jr. That’s the new Rat Pack, right there. Although I think Sammy would be into that; it’s not something I would do as a punishment. I think he’d be like, “Come on, I’m up for anything.”

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No, I’ve never seen a ghost. Have you seen a ghost? They don’t exist, do they? I mean, you never see them in hospitals and that’s where you normally would… They’re always in old houses and pubs and stuff. You never see then knocking around hospitals and that’s where you would see most ghosts.

Are you a racist?

75% no. No, I’m not a racist, no. No, I know I sort of look like I’m thinking about the answer, but I’m not a racist and I’d like that clear and stated for the record now.

MarshallJonesJr.com: Have you ever tried sushi?

Oh yeah, yeah. What is – I mean, yes, I’ve tried sushi. I’ve eaten lots of sushi; I’ve not just tried it. I’ve, like, gone to town with sushi. I’ve gone back for more and more and more. I love sushi. […] I get overwhelmed when I go in and see the belt full. If you go, like, there’s one place I go in Piccadilly called [unclear]. If you like sushi you should go there. There’s a belt, and if you go there the sweet spot is about one o’clock. And it’s got everything on the belt. And you just look – you look at it and go, “Oh my God,” like a kid in a sushi bar. I’m an adult though. I go to sushi bars so I’m not racist, if I was I wouldn’t go there – now that’s proof. I also like Caribbean food and curry. But I got to – I go to that one. And when it’s a full belt, ooh. But you can do some real damage in a sushi bar, financially – you don’t know what you’re eating. All that foreign muck.

Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?

6-foot tall? What, like that big *holds hand up in air*? 6-foot long? Has a tiny mouth? *RH corrects DS.* A tiny man? He’s a man. Well, I don’t know which of those two I’d be more attracted to. Just basically on a sexual level, it would be the penis I would have thought. Because the other one’s a novelty, isn’t it? But what would you do with the man coming out of the man? He’d have to be into it. Yeah, I think probably the big penis, I’d go out with. I’d probably have to put him on a skateboard just to sort of – because he won’t have legs. *RH states that this is offensive to 6-foot penis people.* Yeah, I know it is but what can I do? You know, I’ve got to get him around. And then I’d have to pull him up steps, like that, drag him up *makes pulling motion*. And then leave him on the floor, like that, and then go back down the stairs and get the skateboard, and then put him upright, put him back on there, and then push him to Whistles and buy him something nice. That’s how you date a penis.

Have any of your siblings ever seen a ghost?

Ah, no. I have two siblings; neither of them have seen ghosts. *RH suggests that they have secretly seen ghosts but have not told DS.* Yeah, I think both of them have. Yeah, because I noticed by their behaviour when we talk about ghosts and they go, “No, I don’t believe in them.” *Pulls knowing face.* Because I’m against ghosts. I’m against them, yeah. The one thing I am racist towards is ghosts. And foreign ghosts, that is the sweet spot.

What would it take for you to fellate the actor Keith Allen?

What, like money? DVD of Charles Bronson’s Death Wish. That’s all it would take. I haven’t got a DVD player either. That would be pointless. Just one year’s free subscription to Netflix and I would do it. I think it’s worth – you know, if you’re going to do these things – it’s worth, you know, getting something good out of it. Isn’t it? And I think a year’s free subscription to Netflix – Netflix and Amazon Prime, I think.

What is the most unusual thing you’ve ever used as a toilet paper substitute?

*After a moment RH dismisses this question and moves on.* I mean, “unusual” is a word that’s up for grabs, isn’t it? What may be unusual to you may not be to me.

If you could have all your teeth replaced by psychic orbs that could tell you all future events by telepathy but would scream it a high-pitched volume every time you opened your mouth, would you go ahead with the teeth replacement operation?

What’s a psychic orb? It’s like a round thing that goes in your mouth? And they’d all, like, they can tell the future these things? They work as a unit. The benefit of having psychic teeth would be that I would be able to predict the future, but I wouldn’t be able to open my mouth? So I couldn’t actually tell anyone what… That’s the toughest question I’ve ever been asked. Um, could you have it for a while and then go back or do you have to commit to it fully? I think I would do that. I think I would go for it. To be honest with you, I don’t know. If someone came to me with that quandry I don’t know how I’d answer. I reckon if you went on the Internet you’d find someone that reckons they’ve had that done, so maybe I’ll put a shout out.

Notes

David Baddiel’s computer was left on the stage from the previous episode recording.

RH expresses disappointment in individual audience members addressed before DS came on stage.

DS had previously auditioned for an RH project, but didn’t get the job.