Title: Catering for the Dead
Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: September 6, 2017
Youtube Publication Date: September 6, 2017
Please Welcome a Man
Who thinks that his car is secretly pining for his previous owner.
I was at the air guitar championships the other day with Jessica Knappett’s husband.
Guest Best Known
For being the production assistant on Stakeout.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
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What is the strangest thing you have ever found in the embers of a bonfire?
*Initially KB answers that she hadn’t but after the kite question gave the following response.* Well, I did find sort of melted, weird remains of the inside of a clock. *RH questions why KB didn’t initially provide this information.* It just didn’t feel very funny. We were burning some stuff from a house that we bought that had an odd previous owner that had a secret shed behind where they kept some chickens. And this man wouldn’t let me in the house once we’d – you know, there’s a period after you put in the offer and before you exchange contracts. Usually people let you go in and measure up, or they’ll just allow you but we were not allowed to go there ever again until we bought it. But he made a kind of had a big pile of stuff and he was very – he was a slightly frightening man, and, uh yeah, a big kind of melted, kind of warped, grandfather clock inside, just the metal pendulum and, like, the melted hands of it. It’s quite creepy, actually.
Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever flown a kite?
Yes. It’s shit, flying a kite. It’s massively overrated. Because it never goes up in the air, and when it does go up in the air it becomes immediately terrifying. Because the force of the wind is frightening and there’s other people flying kites around and it’s a weirdly sort of Edwardian hobby that doesn’t feel appropriate in the Internet age. And I’m constantly terrified of it being electrocuted. But mainly what I remember is being made to run along very fast with my dad holding the kite, sort of, a hundred metres away, just flinging it repeatedly in the air while it kind of then nosedives onto the field, over and over again whilst you sort of just run around and around. And then everyone gets cross and you go home.
If you had to be anally violated by a popular chocolate bar, if you had to, which chocolate bar would you choose to be inserted in your anus?
If I had to do it. Um, a Twirl. Yeah, I’d say a Twirl, because they come in packs of two. And they’re quite soft but they kind of have a nice rippled outer coating. I’m basically trying to picture a chocolate tampon. A chocolate bum hole tampon. You could screw it. Don’t pull it out quickly though, you’ll ruin the thread. And also, if you run out of Twirl there’s another one in the pack. You have to eat them fast. You could keep it in the fridge. If you were going to insert it into your anus I would recommend keeping it in the fridge for an hour or so. If you had to put it in there.
If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?
Well I think you and Stew. Whose shit am I eating and who is eating my shit? You know, I was a big fan of Fist of Fun.
What swear word would you like repeatedly shouted by a drunk man at your funeral? The drunk man is turning up regardless and is going to shout something, so you might as well choose.
I think my favourite term, which should always be shouted, is “cunt”. I would love someone, for a drunk man, to shout “cunt” at my funeral. I think it would shake things up a bit. You know, just get everyone out of their complacent comfort zone at my funeral. Just, you know – did you just whisper, “Sad”? *RH states that it would indeed be sad for the funeral attendees.* Well, not if they knew it was what I wanted. “Take this, friends and family, it’s the last record of the request for my funeral. Please arrange for a drunk man, preferably Richard, to come and shout “cunt” repeatedly over my coffin.” That’s what she wanted; this is the evidence.
Which is your favourite bun that is named after a place?
Is this a trick? *RH notes that there are a few such buns.* Is there? What is my favourite bun – there’s not loads. There’s not. *RH names two such buns.* Bath bun? Is that what it’s called? What’s the difference between a Belgian bun and a Chelsea bun? […] I like Chelsea buns, but not because they’re from Chelsea. I haven’t had a Chelsea bun for a very long time. It was the sort of thing you’d go to the bakery on a Saturday during the 1950’s. But it did used to happen where we would go and you could choose a bun, and I would choose a Chelsea bun. In fact, I think a Chelsea bun is an iced bun that’s a Belgian bun. I’m glad, I mean, this is what I came for; this kind of top-level banter. *Audience member shouts out a type of cake named after a place and RH adds to that new list.* If we’re extending the parameters to this extent then, can’t I have a Viennese Whirl? Okay, well that’s my favourite, Viennese Whirl.
RH’s mother, Barbara Herring, turned 80 the day before recording.
RH says Michael Palin is dream guest.
RH tells KB that the episode will be titled “Catering for the Dead,” writing it down so he wouldn’t forget.