Title: Passing The Baton
Soundcloud Time: 1:06:42
Youtube Time: N/A
Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: May 31, 2017
Youtube Publication Date: N/A
Please Welcome a Man
A man who hates Wells and doesn’t think it deserves to be a city.
I was down at the Wells Odeon Cinema in 1984, when it still existed, watching a double-bill of The Other Cinderella, a soft-porn film about the Cinderella story, and Kentucky Fried Movie, which was a movie by the Zucker Brothers who went on to do Airplane! There were fourteen year-old kids in there who got in by pretending to be eighteen.
Guest Best Known
As Additional Voices in the Mass Effect: Andromeda video game.
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What is your favourite memory of being halfway somewhere?
My favourite… Yeah actually, when I was eighteen I went – it’s almost like you’re halfway somewhere all the time. In the future we’ll do this again and I’ll say this was it. Ah, when I was eighteen I came to London; I went via Tokyo and I basically got stranded there. I was meant to be staying with someone and the trains weren’t running and all this sort of thing. I didn’t know what I was doing. And a guy who was on my flight who I’d chatted to at some point went, “Oh, my auntie lives in Tokyo. I’m staying with her. Come and speak to her and she might be able to make out how you can meet your friend or something like that. And she ended up – I came to her, she looked me up and down and she just went, “Oh, we’ve got a stray, have we?” And she put me up for the night and took us out for dinner, paid for everything. Like, really looked after me. And then when she found out where I was supposed to be, helped me get to the hostel I was booked in and sent me on my way. And she turned out to be the president of Tupperware. Her flat was very small and grey.
Have you ever irked a postman?
Oh, a postman. No. A gas man, yes. Our gas man just came round our place at 8:00am, which is too early, too early to come round, especially when you work at night. And so I answered the door in sort of pyjamas and I was trying to hide my shame and so he went, “I’ve got to check your gas metre.” So I sort of let him in and he went, “Are you alright?” I said, “I’m sorry, I work nights so I’m not very much awake right now.” And he said, “Oh, what do you do?” And I wasn’t thinking so of course I said, “Comedian,” to which he replied, “Tell us a joke,” and I just went, “No.” No. I don’t come around to his place at 8:00am asking him to read my gas metre.
What makes you so special?
Could you argue that we’re all special? *RH advises you could not.* Okay, I don’t know.
What are your nine favourite things about Norway?
Wagner. *RH asks if Wagner is Norwegian.* Yeah, I think so. Is he not? He came up with the Peer Gynt suite, didn’t he? *Audience member advises Wagner was a Nazi sympathizer.* But you nearly said Nazi synthesizer, which is perfect, isn’t it? No, so am I wrong? Oh my gosh. I was in Norway and they told me he lived… Did he not have a cottage? Anyway, I’ve got a bone to pick with somebody. Someone sent me a packet of crisps from Norway called Cheezels or something, Cheesies, and they’re meant to be the closest thing to Twisties, which is my favourite Australian crisps. Does anyone know them? They’re basically like NicNac’s, but cheese and they’re better than anything you’ve ever tasted.
Do sperm have dreams?
Nightmares, I think. They probably get anxiety.
When was the last time you cried?
Uh, last time I cried… I cry at ads a lot. Last time I properly cried was at Lego Batman. I’d done a kids’ show in Manchester and I’d three hours to kill before the train back to London so I popped into the cinema and I was, uh – And you know how you say you can’t go to kids’ stuff without taking a child, I was the only person there without a child. And I knew I was going to cry because I cried at the original Lego film, so I already had my tissues out when I went in there.
Have you ever been brass rubbing?
I think we had it in school and were taught about it. Yeah, and then they would teach us by – you get a coin with a pencil… Or am I not – is it something else?
If you had to have sex with a right-wing politician, if you had to, which Tory, right-wing politician would you have sex with?
Yes, Dean Cain. Superman from The Adventures of Lois and Clark. Do you remember that in the nineties? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dean Cain, like, I adored, and then I may have written an entire Edinburgh Fringe show about Dean Cain. And, ah, invited him to it. Never came. Whatever. And I follow him on Twitter and that just – he’s so Republican. He’s so Republican. And I just – I just don’t know how much longer I can go forgiving him. Yeah, I mean, don’t get me wrong; I like a bad boy. Captain Hook, I think, is my biggest fictional crush. “Oh, that hook! What do you do with that? Oh no! So cold. I like it.” I haven’t said what he’s doing with it, okay? Whatever horrible thing you’re coming up with yourself.
If your genitals had to turn into a sea creature for one day every month, but you could choose the sea creature they turned into, what sea creature would you like that to be?
Is it the same sea creature every time? A leafy sea dragon. Its like a fancy seahorse. Oh, I mean, it would be terrible for me, but at least it would be nice to look at.
What is your favourite use of sand?
Glass. Glass is pretty good. You can use it to get graffiti off of walls. Yeah, sandblasting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. *RH asks which of these are BH’s favourite.* Sandblasting because it makes a really good weapon. Silencer on that as well.
Have you ever seen the TV show Friends?
No. Is it Friends or the F*R*I*E*N*D*S, as it’s spelled? With the little dots in between each letter?
Would you like to have a bath with my dad?
Yep, yeah, tell me more about him. Is he right-wing? How big is the bath? Yep, yep. So are we nude? Bubbles? *RH confirms no bubbles.* That’s it, never mind. Yeah, I feel like there’d be an element of… yeah.
Has anyone you’ve had sex with had sex with someone famous?
Um, I have only had sex with my husband. And he’s had sex with me, so that’s what I’m saying. Yeah, I’m a celebrity. He had a deejay for a girlfriend for a while called DJ Skibunny. Apparently she she’s big in Ibitha.
What is the strangest thing you’ve ever found in your fridge?
At my place? Vegetables. That’s what happens when you’re married to a Scotsman. Yeah, body parts, yeah. Oh yeah, my Dad had a goat in his freezer. Yeah, a goat. Adelaide is the capital of weird murders in Australia, so there’s, like, genuinely places where you’re like, “Oh, that’s the house where they found chopped up dead body in the freezer. Yeah. I didn’t find it though, so I didn’t want to give that answer.
Have you ever pretended to be your own twin?
No, except for… I don’t have to, because I have a twin. And she’s back stage; should I go get her?
Are you proud of yourself?
Um, I guess? Yeah, like I’m quite happy where I am, but I couldn’t say that it was all me. Like, I’m proud of where my life is thanks to the people I’ve been surrounded by. Does that make sense? Like, I’ve got great friends and a nice family, yeah. I can’t take credit for my life; it’s been very much a team effort.
Are you a fan of Norman Wisdom, by which I mean the knowledge and understanding of the 10th- and 11th-century people from Normandy?
I am, because my grandparents live in a house known as Norman House, which was built on Norman Avenue in Normanville, because originally someone from the Norman family moved there, so yeah. Also, the houses are originally a monastery. Yeah, so there’s dead monks under my grandparents’ house.
RH notes that the Lannister notebook sold on eBay for £730, but the person who bought it didn’t end up paying for it.
Right-wing emergency question phrased as a “person”, whereas in later episodes it is specified as being a “politician”.
RH announces that he and CW are expecting their second child.
BH asks RH what his favourite cheese is; RH states that this will be a new emergency question.
RH notes that he will be editing this episode.
Sound only, no audio,