Title: Monopoly Penguin

Soundcloud Time: 1:09:44
Youtube Time: 1:10:45

Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: September 22, 2017
Youtube Publication Date: September 20, 2017

Please Welcome a Man
Who is still very much in his forties. Very much so.

Cool Kids
I was in LazyTown the other day. And I was talking to Sportacus from LazyTown. Remember LazyTown?

Guest Best Known
As the Cockney in Pompidou.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Andy McH described by RH as his Twitter correspondent
had previously asked RH to ask L about WhatsApp

Emergency Questions

What is the strangest thing you have ever found in the embers of a bonfire?

No, fuck all. Fuck all. I can make something up. Alright, uh, a dead hedgehog. Nah, that’s not funny. That’s not fucking funny, that. That’s an animal.

If your genitals had to turn into a sea creature for one day every month, but you could choose the sea creature they turned into, what sea creature would you like that to be?

Um, something wee so that people don’t notice. Sea lion. Is it sea lion? Oh, not sea lion, seahorse. Fucking sea lion. Fucking sea lion – something no one would notice, like a sea lion. Fucking walrus. *RH suggests others might just think L is standing behind a walrus.* That’s actually best. That’s best, aye. “Do you need me to take it away?” “Oh, no, no, I’ll hang onto it; makes sure it’s safe. […] Don’t play with it too much!” Cum starts coming out of its mouth. “I fucking warned you!” A seahorse.

If you had to have sex with either Zippy, Bungle, George, Geoffrey, or Rod from Rainbow, whilst Jane and Freddy at sex with each other next to you – but they’re married, that’s allowed, but can’t join in – which of the people from Rainbow would you have sex with?

Just so I know exactly what you’re talking about, are we talking about actually shagging the puppets or are we imagining that they’re real or are we talking about shagging the puppeteers? How much of reality are we. Because you know that below Zippy and George – no, Bungle. Who’s the bear? Bungle, you know that there’s a hole in the bag, you put your cock in and you’re shagging a guy’s ass. But below, there’s nothing below Zippy so let’s say Zippy. Fuck it. Let’s speed things up and just say Zippy. Zippy.

If you could have all your teeth replaced by psychic orbs that could tell you all future events by telepathy but would scream it a high-pitched volume every time you opened your mouth, would you go ahead with the teeth replacement operation?

No, I wouldn’t do it. No, because I wouldn’t like it, it would fuck your head. People wouldn’t want to be around you because of the screaming sound. No. I’m taking these questions very seriously. Very, very seriously.

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

You know, I was actually asked this in my Q&A. Am I in the middle? I have to be in the middle? I would – my girlfriend would be in front so I’m eating her shite; as a person who – I’ve never eaten her shite, in case you’re wondering – but as the person whose shite I could put up with the most probably. And behind me just a general Tory. I’d say Theresa May but that would be kind of sexist. Say David Cameron, but he’s not there anymore. Let’s say the fucking queen.

If you had to be anally violated by a popular chocolate bar, if you had to, which chocolate bar would you choose to be inserted in your anus?

Uh, the thinnest one said that would be, let’s see, a Curly Wurly. Well, a Starbar would be alright. A Starbar. You do shites that are bigger [than a Starbar]. I’ve actually seen a shite in a pan that was think as a Starbar would be kind of like that. No, that would be alright, that would be fine. And it would start to melt anyway, with the warmth of your ass. Start to waste away. No, but then you’ve got the peanuts. Once that melts away then you’ve got the fucking peanuts. I’d say just a normal kind of Yorkie. Well, Dairy Milk because they’ve changed; they used to be – I can’t remember – they’re kind of round now? Ah, wait a minute. Single kind of strip, Aero. *Audience member suggests Twix.* Twix is good, but the biscuit, you’ve gotta remember. *Audience member suggests a finger of fudge.* Fudge, fudge, yep. I think fudge.

If you had a finger that could cure rectal cancer but only if you pushed it hard up the anus of the cancer sufferer, would you cure anyone, everyone, or be like Jesus and just cure a few?

Um, just the sort of good people. Um, I would kind of, like, say, people I didn’t agree with politically, I would let them die. People I didn’t like, or anybody who maybe wronged me in Primary 1 or something like that. See them on Facebook, talking about how, you know, terrible news and all that. I’d say, “Listen, I’ve got this ability. […] And then go, “Wait a fucking minute, I remember you. Bye.” I would use it for evil rather than good.


From the time of recording, RH is turning 50 in two days.

This is L’s second appearance.

L attempts a Cockney accent.

RH tells story of finding his first cat in the embers of a bonfire.