Title: The Ideal Age To Die
Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 5, 2017
Youtube Publication Date: October 4, 2017
Please Welcome a Man
Who has recently irked Michael Portillo.
I was following the Hofmeister Bear the other day. He’s a pretty cool guy, got a hat and everything, hasn’t he?
Guest Best Known
As Maurice Wigglethorpe-Throom from the comparethemarket.com advert.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: Unlike
Member Member Note N/A N/A
Who do you consider the most appalling member of Margaret Thatcher’s cabinet (excluding Margaret Thatcher)?
Excluding Margaret Thatcher, the obvious question. Um, wow; so many, so many, so many. Uh, I want to say Norman Tebbit but that was, like, that’s too obvious and he did get, sort of, badly hurt in that bomb, so I feel a bit sorry for him even though… even though he’s so nasty. Um, Cecil Parkinson was sort of slimy; everyone said he was a great communicator because he did this a lot *moves body in flowing manner*.
If everyone else in the world left in a spaceship and left you behind, so everything belonged to you, where would you live? What paintings would you have on your wall? Would you be lonely? Where would be the most ostentatious place you would masturbate?
Um, I’m going to do that backwards. The Taj Mahal would be where I’d masturbate, with the lovely little water features that I would spunk into. *RH notes that this was the place where Princess Diana looked sad.* That actually adds a little frisson that I hadn’t thought of. Would I be lonely? Yes. What was the one before that? Oh, I’d probably have that one of, um, that – do you remember the one from the seventies the woman with the green face? Yeah, I’d have that one. No, I want that because it would – because it’s fascinating, it’s a fascinating picture. Why would anyone paint that? I could just look at it forever. *RH asks where RW would live.* Well, quite close to the Taj Mahal. Probably – I mean, are there facilities? People don’t live there? Is it a religious shrine? Have I just offended everyone? It’s a mausoleum? Oh, that’s, that’s in very bad taste. Oh, I really… Oh, that is not what she would have wanted… probably.
What is the strangest thing you have ever found in the embers of a bonfire?
Oh, it would be that boy I killed. And I dragged his body underneath what I thought was just, you know, a pile of rubbish, and it turned out it was going to be a bonfire.
Have you ever seen the TV show Friends?
Yes, I have. Yes, it’s very good. I think I know all their names now. There are so many of them.Six people; it’s really hard to remember all their names.
If you had to live the rest of your life either as Chandler from Friends or as the actor Matthew Perry, which of those would you choose?
It’s definitely Chandler from Friends, yeah. Yeah, I think they’re going to be fine, whereas Matthew Perry, I gather, has issues. I mean, don’t we all? But I don’t want his issues, I want mine. Or Chandler’s.
What is the shortest time between buying something expensive/nice and breaking it that you have experienced?
Ooh. Um, my first daughter was an android, which… and I put in AA batteries where there should be AAA batteries. And I just stuffed them in and it broke. That’s a made-up answer. Uh, I can’t think of a, I can’t think of a true answer, but certainly not one that doesn’t involve anuses and penises.
Have you ever surprised a dog?
Uh, I must have done. I must have done. They’re very easily startled because they kind of go around, you know, doing their thing and then there’s a noise *starts* and they’re, like, that. And, yeah, so I may well have done. It hasn’t stuck.
Would you like to have a bath with my dad?
A reasonably big bath. Is he still at an age where he can – he’s still clinging onto his – he’s not going to shit the bath? Alright, I’m just gathering information. “It’s just, you know, I know you’ve been doing this a lot now, it’s just this one, this one insists that you go to the toilet first. He’s a bit spiky like that.” Um, well, maybe. Maybe dinner and a movie first. You know what, I’m going to say no. I’m going to say no. I’m going to say no.
What is the worse place you’ve ever picnicked?
All picnics at all places because I hate picnics. They’re like a cheapskate throwing a party. “Oh, shall we have a picnic?” Shall we? What, you want us all to bring our own fucking food and then sit on the ground with the ants? And the flying ants? And the snakes? And the scorpions?
This is RW’s second appearance.
RH accidentally throws a partially full bottle of water at RW.