Title: Catching Clouds
Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 25, 2017
Youtube Publication Date: October 25, 2017
Please Welcome a Man
Who hasn’t lived in London for two months and does not approve of your change in sky colour – that was a mistake, London.
I saw a man talking – he was texting, actually, on his Nokia 3310. I was looking over his shoulder and quite cleverly he shortened that.
Guest Best Known
For the advert for Matalan dressing gowns.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
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What is the worst thing you have eaten for a bet?
I don’t think I’ve eaten any – I’m quite fussy about what I put in my mouth. Yep. Yeah, so I don’t think – There was a boy at school called Matt Brown, who said – oh, God, you know boys are disgusting at school – and he was like, I think he was like, if he, if three people spat on the floor, he would suck it up. And then he got paid a fiver. And he did it. And he did it.
Would you rather be an orchestra that has been assimilated by the Borg, and endlessly plays only orchestral versions of Mel and Kim songs, or a cart horse that has to pull a cart full of corpses of all your cart horse friends around all day long but is otherwise treated well and gets Sunday off?
Subtly layered. You’ve got tears in your eyes from reading that question there. What’s a Mel and Kim song? I remember the names but I can’t think of any of their songs. *RH sings a line.* Is that it? Just on repeat? Well, that sounds great. I’m going to say the orchestra.
If you had to have your genitals stapled to the face of a celebrity, and had to walk around for the rest of your life with your genitals stapled to their face, if you had to, which celebrity would you have your genitals stapled to and how do you imagine you would negotiate with them about whose turn it is to do stuff?
I don’t think I fully… I think there’s questions we need to ask. Does the person have to, like, walk around with you the whole time? But it’s just on their face? Oh! I thought it was like a face swap. Okay. Oh, right.
How do you think having your genitals stapled to their face would impact on their job?
I feel bad that this is the question you’ve come up with, like, a week after your wife has given birth. *RH confirms it was written prior to this.* Oh, okay. Um, who would I – oh my God. What do you want? So they’re just there. You’d have to be like – I’d have to walk like a crab. It would be really quite difficult, wouldn’t it? Just so – I mean, I feel like again it’s a similar answer to the questions you were asking about someone clean and nice. And I might go for the same answer, actually. I think Holly Willoughby. *RH notes that this is a reference to the backstage interview.* Because she’s nice and clean, and I just think – oh, she’s so clean. She’s the cleanest. She’s squeaky.
Would you rather have a heart made out of diamonds or a spade made out of clubs?
Sure, just nice to be different, isn’t it? I would go diamond heart every time. Everyone likes jewels. Yeah, you’d be worth a lot of money. Or you could just have a heart transplant. No, to take the diamond out, sell that, buy a heart. And just get a really good ring out of it.
What do you most regret destroying with fire?
I don’t think I’ve burned enough things in my life in that case. I was watching a woman on Youtube the other day who was doing, like, new moon rituals. And you have to write a list of all the things that you want, and then you say them out loud to the moon and then you set fire to it, so maybe I could do that.
Who is your favourite mythological figure?
*RH notes that ET studied English Literature.* Yeah, but my stuff was stupid. One of my essays was on The Office and Alan Partridge. I didn’t go to Oxbridge. My favourite – Can I say… Does a mermaid count as a mythological creature? It’s not out of proper mythology. *RH allows it.* Mermaid, mate. Mermaid. Just want to be a mermaid. I’ve always wanted to be a mermaid. Really good swimmer. Want hair to cover my boobs. That’s it, really. *RH notes that ET would have fish genitals. Why are you obsessed with genitals? That’s why we’re here.
Which is the best of the cartoon cats?
The one that Antonio Banderas plays. The fit one in Shrek.
If I have food on my face or food stuck in my teeth, would you tell me about it?
Aw, that’s a really hard one. I’v got such massive teeth that a lot of times I have food in my teeth. It’s a nightmare with these choppers.
Would you rather be a bogey or some belly button fluff?
Belly button fluff. It’s just cozy, isn’t it? Yeah, but you could probably see more if you were a bogey.
What’s the strangest name you’ve ever heard someone give to their parents?
Gaga. My mum tried to get on board with Nonna. I’m like, “Mum, you’re, you’re from Greenwich, you’re not going to be called Nonna.” So yeah, she’s just Nanny.
Sean Hughes passed away the night before this episode was recorded.
RH dedicates this series to Sean Hughes.
John Murray paid to have a friend insulted during AIOTM, but RH accidentally insulted John Murray instead. RH rectifies during this recording.
RH and family now live in the country.
RH announces that there is a new emergency questions application via Apple and Alexa.
When asking emergency questions, RH refers to the app rather than the book.
For the orchestral Borg/ emergency question, RH suggests that he was struggling at this point in the question creation process.
ET realized only partway through that the recording was being filmed.
RH thanks Kickstarter contributors.