Title: Drifter Charger

Soundcloud Time: 1:08:07
Youtube Time: 1:09:01

Original Record Date: November 20, 2017
Soundcloud Publication Date: December 15, 2017
Youtube Publication Date: December 15, 2017

Please Welcome a Man
Who has just found out that his daughter created the Muppets.

Cool Kids
I was talking to the fake Paul McCartney the other day. The original one died in a car crash in 1963 and this guy was drafted. He was lucky; they just rang him up and said, “Oh, Paul McCartney just died. You look a bit like him. Will you come and be in the Beatles?” He said, “Yeah, I’ve got nothing else on.”

Guest Best Known
As the executive producer of Ban This Film.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
David Frew nuclear physicist
RH requests that he calculate the total number of gifts from The Twelve Days of Christmas

Emergency Questions

If you had to be anally violated by a popular chocolate bar, if you had to, which chocolate bar would you choose to be inserted in your anus?

Gosh, I’ve been asked that a lot. I don’t think I would. I guess a Drifter? I’m trying to think of something narrow but would have, has some structural integrity. You know what I mean?

Is it cheating to have sex with a robot Santa Claus?

Without you partner’s knowledge? *RH suggests that it’s not cheating if they don’t know.*  I think it’s the other way around. I think it’s not cheating if they do know. I don’t know if I would have sex with a robot, I’m just going to throw that out there. Yeah, I think, listen, it’s going to pass us by anyway. I don’t think there’s going to be. I think I could live without it. Cut to: I’m famously fucking a robot. Oh, the robot-fucking guy? The guy who used to be on daytime telly fucked all those robots.

Do you think Christmas is celebrated on other planets? Which ones?

Which ones? That’s a much more specific question. Ah, well… I don’t think it is. I imagine, like, clearly there are other planets there that have life on it and clearly there are planets that have other life with consciousness on them, just because if the numbers. And if there are, then there are planets which have consciousness, which have celebrations at particular times. There may be one that coincides with our celebration and probably to do with a religious thing. And then probably their version of Coca Cola made Santa’s coat red. Listen, statistically everything that can possibly happen, does happen. And if that’s true, then everything that can happen, does happen at least twice. So, yes, but I can’t name the other planet.

What became of the gold, frankincense, and myrrh? They’re mentioned there at the beginning of the Bible, then we never hear about them again. To a humble biblical family like the Christs, wouldn’t that have been the equivalent of a roll-over lottery win? How come they still lived in relative poverty?

Well, the frankincense and myrrh, you would use them up, I suppose. They’re not going to re-gift them. But also, if you got frankincense, because the kings brought them, right? If the kings are hanging around, which they probably would do, because they’ve been on a long journey so they’d probably stay over for the night. And during the evening they would definitely go, “Oh, pop that frankincense on. You know that frankincense we bought you, why don’t you pop that on?” And Mary’d be going, “Aw fuck, I didn’t want to open that. I wanted to get that on eBay, or whatever the version of eBay was – a market. So that they would have used. And the myrrh – you know what myrrh is used for; it’s a Drifter lubricant. Yeah, but the gold, certainly that’s the big mystery of the Bible: what happened to Joseph’s gold? It would have been a fair amount – this is the son of God we’re talking about. You wouldn’t just bring, like, a little bracelet or something. You know, you’d bring a lot of gold. Wonder who knicked that? Somebody. You know who knicked it? One of the shepherds. You know what shepherds are like. They don’t listen to this. Thieves; every one of them are thieves.

In the song The Twelve Days of Christmas, do you think that along with the eight maids a milking, the true love received eight cows, or do you think she was expected to provide the cows from her own pocket? Because that severely devalues the gift. If the cows are included, that actually means she got sixteen things that day, thus ruining the song.

Well, I don’t know, because you could argue that the drummers also had drums. You know, you can argue that, you know, the lords were leaping over something. Do you know, I’d say if you added together all the presents in that story, it’s 365. Yeah, like the days in a year. How about that? I may have made that up. It doesn’t sound true now. Uh, that kind of works.

Have you ever hidden in a Zedbed?

Me? I don’t know – take a wild guess. It would have to be a capital zed.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

Oh, some cartilage from my knee. That’s about it. That’s not that interesting, is it? But yeah, that’s it, that’s all. But every time you have a haircut, really, it’s mutilated, isn’t it? It’s very weird. We seem to think that’s alright. Or cutting our fingernails and stuff. And then as soon as it’s something, like, internal, we’re like, Oh, better go to hospital. You think you’re so casual about having a shave every morning. That’s just as kind of invasive as having your appendix out, but you don’t get a surgeon in to, you know, unless you’re Xander, to give you a shave.

Have you ever fallen down stairs?

Ooh, that’s a good question. I don’t think I have but I fell over the other day. That was for the first time in about ten years. I was walking, because it’s slippy these days because of the leaves, and I was walking back from the gym. I properly fell over. And even as I was falling I knew I was going to be okay. But even as I was falling I thought, Goodness me, I haven’t fallen over in a long time. And I hit the ground. And it was one of those things where it would have been absolutely perfect but there was someone on the other side of the road. Aw, that’s the last thing I need. She was very concerned. I aid, “No, honestly Im fine.” But yeah, God, it was a really experience. Yeah, I mean, I fall further than almost anybody.

Who is your favourite Quaker?

That’s a good question. Charlie Brooker. His parents were Quakers, yeah. So he’s the only Quaker I know, is the truth.

What do you most regret destroying with fire?

Well, that is, uh… Goodness me. Well I, I would have to say, I don’t know if anyone else has said this – I would say Windsor Castle. You know, its fun to watch the flames and see it, but actually the next morning I was a bit, Aw mate, that’s a bit much.

Notes

This is RO’s second appearance.

RH was originally going to use the “best known” job for RO that he used during RO’s first appearance, and had to change it.

RH’s father is currently unable to walk due to a recent operation on his leg.

Anal chocolate emergency question framed as being a contest for the best chocolate bar to insert in one’s anus.

RH shows the audience a picture in his notebook drawn by his daughter Phoebe Herring.

RH and RO make a handshake bet as to whether RH or Pointless will outlive one another.