Title: Burned Bunting

Soundcloud Time: 1:09:01
Youtube Time: 1:09:57

Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: January 17, 2018
Youtube Publication Date: January 19, 2018

Please Welcome a Man
Who currently has a Drifter in his anal passage and is trying to generate electricity.

Cool Kids
I was talking to a guy down at the hospital; he had an eel – it was a living eel – but it was inside his anal passage.

Guest Best Known
For her appearance on Dick and Dom’s Funny Business, and there is no business funnier than Dick and Dom’s funny business.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Roy in the front row
insect scientist
favourite animal experimented on is a wasp
tried to get a spider wasp to lay eggs into a spider in a tank
experiments conducted in South America
Unnamed sitting with Roy
retired insect scientist
David Frew nuclear physicist
has travelled to Switzerland for nuclear physics-related work

Emergency Questions

If you had to marry a piece of furniture, if you had to, which piece of furniture would you marry?

I think an armoire sounds romantic, doesn’t it? Or a footstool. They’re so handy, aren’t they? *RH suggests that the footstool would be jealous of the armchair being sat upon.* So it would be jealous? Is it sentient? Does it have emotions? Oh I thought it was like, um… I thought it was like people who fall in love with objects. Is it called erotomania? Like that woman that married the Eiffel Tower. I assumed… I didn’t think it was sentient. Does it have emotions? Someone would have to kick it down the aisle when we got married. Like, how would it get down the aisle? The vicar could have it on wheels. Would it wear a, you know, a little suit for the wedding?

Would you rather be allergic to wood or not?

Wood the material, or, not the word “would”? Can I choose the symptoms – what happens? If the reaction was very mild, and I got, like, a whole Edinburgh show out of it… But I think all things considered though, not.

Would you rather be able to turn your head like an owl or have a neck that telescopes up to the length of a giraffe’s neck, but can go back down again to normal?

I’m trying to think of an advantage where I would have to move my head but not my body with it. Um, I would choose the owl actually, over the giraffe. I think that would be a laugh. Yeah, but I’m trying to think of the last time – and I’m quite tall – I’m trying to think of the last time I was in a situation where I wish I could see a bit higher. I can’t think of one. If I was trying to see over the brow of a hill. I’d go with the owl because I’m quite paranoid. Be nice to be able to see what happening all around. Owl. My final answer, Chris, is owl. They’re probably talking about my weird owl neck.

What’s the worst swap you’ve ever made?

Uh, I feel like I’ve swapped my dignity for money sometimes. So that. That.

Why do you think everyone stopped wearing hats?

I don’t think they have. Oh you mean formal. Um, I think maybe, uh – I don’t know, maybe after the war ended and things lightened up? Less formal? Maybe it’s to do with church. If I ever meet a ghost, I’ll ask.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Well, obviously not, because I don’t think they exist, but I want them to exist. I love ghost stories. Yeah, I don’t think I have. And even if I have I would say I had. No. Yeah, I might have done. Well, I think I’ve seen things but I think I was very tired. I think it’s explainable. The veil is thinner. It’s weird how people don’t claim to have seen, like, Neanderthal ghosts or cave men ghosts. Like, when did souls begin? It’s hard to know when ghosts are supposed to begin; like when we first crawled out of the primordial soup. When did the first soul happen? Are Adam and Eve’s ghosts somewhere? I’m asking you like you’re Dad. No one’s ever seen Adam or Eve’s ghost.

What is the strangest thing you have ever found in the embers of a bonfire?

Oh, um, some bunting, yeah. Yup. Yup. *RH asks how the bunting got into the bonfire.* Don’t know. I just remember seeing the coloured triangles half-burned. Yeah, I don’t know – like a DIY that went wrong. Interestingly, the word “bunting” – do you know where it comes from? […] There used to be huge, like, slag piles on Euston Road, like, in the 1850’s. And women used to sift through them looking for things to sell, like scraps of material. And, you know, old chicken bones, and they were called bunters. And that’s where the word comes from. That’s my audition for QI.

What is the most important thing you’ve ever unplugged to charge your phone?

That’s a really great question. I mean, the sort of joke answer would be, like, a life support machine. I would say someone else’s iPhone, that was really irate. It’s an odd etiquette.

If you had to be anally violated by a popular chocolate bar, if you had to, which chocolate bar would you choose to be inserted in your anus?

Maybe a Chomp. Yeah, yeah, that feels right, now I’ve said it. Yeah. That feels right.

Notes

RH notes that he would like to have Trevor and Simon as RHLSTP guests.

RH tells story of considering buying Gino D’Acampo’s house.

KW observes that the white chairs being used are extremely stained.

RH notes that part of this year’s Kickstarter campaign funds will be put towards buying new chairs.

RH states that he would love to have Adam Sandler on as a guest.