Title: Chinese Hymen

Soundcloud Time: 1:09:16
Youtube Time: 1:09:35

Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: March 28, 2018
Youtube Publication Date: March 28, 2018

Please Welcome a Man
Whose nose is still red from last week, but you can’t hear that on the radio, thank goodness.

Cool Kids
I was at a meeting of all the ex-leaders of UKIP the other day. They call it Richard Herring’s Leicester Square Theatre Podcast.

Guest Best Known
RF: For her appearance on Gary Delaney’s Panelbeaters.
KPM: For her appearance on Dan Nightingale’s In the House Podcast.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Sam has work shirt on with the sleeves rolled up
accountant
when asked by RH, says that 7 is the best number
Michael studying science, specializing in botany
bearded
when asked by RH, says that palm trees are the best plant in the “southern Pacific region”
David Frew nuclear physicist
described by RH as thin

Emergency Questions

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

RF: Ah, I would have Noel Gallagher in front of me and Liam Gallagher behind me. *KPM states that would have thought it would be the other way around.* No, that’s the right way.

KPM: Oh, my instant reaction was something really weird. I was going to be, like, well, I love my mum and dad, but, so fucking weird, isn’t it? I’m Welsh too, so Im doing fuck-all to rid the stereotype. Yeah, I think I’ll have my dad shit in my mouth actually. Oh, please don’t watch this on Youtube, Dad. Um, who would I have? Who would I like to have shit in my mouth, that’s the question you’re asking, isn’t it? Who do I think’s got nice-tasting shit? It would probably be, um, it would probaby be someone – *RF suggests Mary Berry.* No, she’s – I’ll tell you afterwards. It’s the old one, is that? *RF calls Mary Berry a national treasure.* Well, don’t treasure her, because… I think Gwyneth Paltrow’s shit would taste nice. I think she believes some mad stuff but she seems to like – I think she survives on, like, thoughts and leaves. I feel like I could eat those. I’d have Gwyneth Paltrow shit in my mouth. And then whose mouth would I like to shit in? There’s two and I can’t say either of them. Hers *indicating  RF* because she knows too many secrets. I’d shit in your mouth, mate, so you couldn’t spill any of my secrets.

Have you ever been brainwashed?

RF: *KPM notes that RF was attended a Catholic school.* Yes, absolutely. Yeah. I have been, one hundred percent. *RH asks if RF was religious growing up.* Nope, it was just the school closest. My grandmother was sort of religious, but not in a mental way. She’s just, like, the festivals. Sort of, I went to Catholic school all the way through – some very strange incidents that happened, which I don’t know – I suppose I can tell, can’t I? […] So we ended up going on a  – I was probably about fourteen and all the girls from my year were rounded up and put on coaches to go on a trip that nobody knew about. And it was a lovely afternoon, which was spent with some nuns watching videos of abortions. How rough’s that? I went home to my mum and I said, “I’ve just been to this thing and I don’t think it was right.” She went mad and complained to the school, which did no good because it was Catholic school and they do what the fuck they want, don’t they really? So yeah, I’ve had attempted brainwashing. It never worked.

KPM: I don’t think I’ve ever been brainwashed, except in the usual way by the bloody patriarchy. No, I don’t think anything specific. Although, so I’m kind of like, you know, be your own person, don’t buy into all that bullshit. But I used to obsessively read, when I first went to university, you know, Closer magazine, and all those horrible magazines. “Ahh, i was sexually assaulted by a piece of cheese,” that sort of thing. And I used to love all that, but I felt sad all the time and I didn’t know why. And then I got so skint I couldn’t afford them, and then I was like, My self esteem is going through the roof! Even now, with everything I know, like, I like to consider myself an empowered woman. Like, if I read one of those in a waiting room for five seconds, I want to go and make myself sick in the toilets. And feel sad.

What is the most mundane encounter you have had with a celebrity?

RF: I once met Alex James from Blur at an event for the Manchester Food Festival. *KPM asks if he was “hawking his bullshit cheese” and RF confirms.* A few years ago, this was. And I used to like Blur as well, as well as Oasis. And was like, “Ooh, it’s Alex James, from Blur.” My friends says, “Well, go over and we’ll start a conversation.” Wish I hadn’t. Tedious. I was like, someone else had met him, and he just went, “Yeah.” I was, like, “Oh, I’m a big fan of Blur.” “Yeah.” And then he was talking about the cheese and where he now lives, and I was like, “Yeah, I’m just going to go and get a drink. Bye.” And then just left. He got really sad as well.

KPM: I think I’ve got one. At the Leeds Festival in whatever year it was, I met the cast of My Parents Are Aliens. And it was the shit mum. Because there was a good mum and they swapped her for a shit mum, didn’t they? Do you remember that? The good mum – there was a good mum – she was on Alan Partridge and stuff.

Would you rather have a clitoris in the crook between your thumb and finger, or have a bionic nose?

KPM: What does bionic mean? Clit hand. *RH notes that KPM already has a clit.* Yeah, but not there. The whole time I’d have been like this. *Rubs hand against the chair arm.* Playing snooker, that would be brilliant. Your podcast would be a lot more interesting, wouldn’t it? I don’t want a bionic nose. You know, when you, I mean, you’re very lucky that you live here, it’s great, but, like, London fucking stinks. And like, I don’t want to smell more of it. I don’t want to smell more of nearly anything. Imagine, you know, imagine all of the lushes you could smell at one point. Ugh. Constant nose bleeds from the stress of it. And all the fucking bath bombs – no way. I’m a vegan as well. I decimate every toilet I go to. I don’t want a fucking bionic nose. No way.

RF: No, I’d go for the nose. I’ll have that. I’ve got a genuine sort of – what’s the word? – slight phobia about that part of the hand. Yeah, it’s very – can you see there’s a vein there? You see it throbbing? Can you not see it? Look. There, that’s the one. I’ve got a vein there that throbs and it’s just – *KPM notes that that’s just a few nerve endings away from being a clitoris.*

Notes

Intro credits introduce as Rachel Fairburn and Kiri Pritchard-McLean.

RH invents the human ringworm, where many subjects are used in a human centipede-style circle where everyone’s connected.

RH notes that he thinks he went on a date with the shit mum from My Parents Are Aliens.

AKNF revealed that when they perform at the Leicester Square Theatre, they use RH’s RHLSTP chairs.