Title: Half an Orange
Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: April 25, 2018
Youtube Publication Date: April 25, 2018
Please Welcome a Man
Who still has Brian Blessed’s voice ringing in his ears.
I was talking to Brian Blessed the other week.
Guest Best Known
For her appearance on Finders Keepers – that is not the Richard Stilgoe version that I remember.
Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: Like
Member Member Note N/A N/A
What is the strangest thing you have ever found in the embers of a bonfire?
In the embers of a bonfire? *RH defines “embers”.* Yeah, yeah, I know what embers are, Richard. Yeah, yeah. No, I can’t imagine that – I’ve not been near a bonfire, I don’t think, or a fireplace. Open fires don’t really exist anymore, do they? Have you got open fires? Uh, I can’t think of anything that I’ve found in a fire. Maybe the end of a marshmallow that dropped in, like a rusty – rusty, that’s the wrong – crusty end of a marshmallow. Um, no. It just makes me think of that letter in Mary Poppins; when they write the letter and put it up and they send it up to her and they put it in the fire. And I always used to think, How’s she got that? How did she get that at the end of that? Because someone would have had to catch it all at the top, wouldn’t they? How did it all go up to her?
Have you ever improvised a condom?
I haven’t but my friend Gemma, she once, she once went home with a guy and he, uh, he was like, “Yeah, come one, let’s do it.” She said, “Have you got a condom?” And he went, “No, it will be fine.” And she said, “No, it won’t be fine. Go and get a condom.” He was like, “Alright, alright.” So he went out of the room, ah, and he came back and he turned the lights out and she went, “Oh.” And all she heard was this crinkling, and she reached down and he had got an empty packet of crisps and cellotaped it to his penis. but she said the worst thing was they were salt and vinegar, so was just like, “Surely that’s just really painful.” Anyway, so they had sex. *RH asks which way out the bag was turned.* Was he a considerate lover, that’s the question. But surely just a good wrap around with clingfilm would work, surely. If you’ve got your balls in it as well for some kind of, to get it clinging underneath. In the old days the ladies of the night used to put a half an orange up there, like a hollowed-out orange, didn’t they? And I always used to think, A) That would sting, but your vagina would smell delicious, wouldn’t it? Like a tasty orange. […] You’d never eat an orange again, would you? Or maybe you would. Happy memories of the lady of the night. Now I want to think about more ways to do that. Mmm. Bubble gum? Could you do that with bubble gum? Chew enough gum? Around the cock top – I studied biology at school. I feel like a lot of vegetables you could hollow out. Cucumber you could hollow out. It would be a bit wider, a bit too much girth. Puff pastry? Puff pastry. It’s quite durable, isn’t it? You’re never made a puff pastry tart, eh? Double entendre probably, that. I’m talking about raw. Raw. Oh, what you could do is roll it out quite thin, make a cock shape, with your cock, obviously. You’d have to have a fluff and then you’d put it on your cock. Then you’d put it in the freezer, it freezes, so that probably, mmm, depending on who you’re with, probably make love outside so you didn’t have too much heat on it. So really good for camping sex. There you go, puff pastry.
What is the biggest animal whose life you have saved?
The biggest animal whose life I’ve saved. I don’t know if I’ve ever saved an animal. I might have… I found a dead body once. Yeah, it was just on the side of the road. And it’s quite weird when you see a dead body, isn’t it? Because you don’t really know… No one ever says – what should you do with a dead body? You call the police, obviously. But it was just quite weird to see a dead body, because it was, like, it was just a body. Because there was no soul left they were just there, like a body, and you just go, “Oh gosh.” They’d obviously fallen, big smack on the head. And it was very cold. A bit sad that story, isn’t it? But they all lived happily ever after. I saved my guinea pig’s life when I was nine. I came downstairs, we had a sliding glass door, and I came downstairs and we had one of those runs. We had a rabbit cage and a hutch, and in there lived the rabbit and the guinea pig. And I looked out of the window and I was just trying to – it was a bit stiff, the lock – and I was just trying to open the door, like, the rabbit’s body looks quite long, it’s got a long legs today. It seems wrong. And I realized it was a fox, had got in the run. And as I realized I had the moment where I realized, the fox turned to me and it had the body of my rabbit in its mouth and the head was gone completely. It was like a scene from a horror film. And I just started screaming, ” Get off my rabbit!” Trying to open – I could open the door and my mum came downstairs going, “What are you screaming about, Squeaky? What is going on down here?” And I said, “[Unclear.]” We were both trying to open the door. My mum loves those Past Times nighties, you know, so she looks like Charles Dickens. So we opened the door and managed to get rid of the fox. He got my rabbit, but he didn’t get my guinea pig. But the guinea pig died three days later because he had got his jaws around it and crushed all of her insides.
What film/story would you like to see remade by the Muppets?
I’d quite like to see Remains of the Day with the Muppets. So I suppose Miss Piggy would have to be Emma Thompson’s character and Kermit would be Mr. Stevens. “Please leave me alone. Please, please […]” “Come on! Show me the book, Mr. Stevens. Show me what you’re reading in there!” Who would Monster play? Monster would have to play, no, I don’t know. But there’s only two real characters.
PE does an impression of RH reacting during the BB interview.
RH sings song that he made up for PH.