Title: How To Twerk
Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: May 10, 2018
Youtube Publication Date: May 9, 2018
Please Welcome a Man
Who is about to perform to a room full of orphans.
I was hanging around with B*Witched the other day. You know, Edele, Keavy, Lindsay, and Sinéad. Shane from Boyzone was trying to get in but we said, “You’re not allowed in here, mate. It’s just for cool people.” He’s the brother of the twins – come on, get with it.
Guest Best Known
For doing a dance herself, in front of Rylan from The X-Factor on the TV show Up Late With Rylan.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
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If every time you farted a fairy died an agonizing death, would you stop farting?
If… I probably wouldn’t – fuck ’em.
Have you ever improvised a condom?
I haven’t, but I’m intrigued now what you would do, Your instinct is a plastic bag, isn’t it?
What is the strangest thing you have ever found in the embers of a bonfire?
I don’t think I’ve ever searched a bonfire. What have you been doing with bonfires? *RH notes that he found his cat in bonfire embers.* Did you? God, that’s a psychotic episode if I’ve ever heard of one, isn’t it? No, I don’t think I’ve ever found anything. I’ve never looked, actually.
If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?
*RH has to explain human centipede concept.* So what, I have to pick three people to be sewn to? That’s a tricky evening, isn’t it? Oh God. Who would I want that with? David Attenborough. I think it feels – No, I don’t want to eat his shit. I don’t know where he’s been; he’s been all over the world, hasn’t he? I think I’d like to hear him narrate what’s happening. And then who’s at the bottom end? I don’t know. Cheryl Cole. She doesn’t seem like she’d ever shit. So I think that would be…
Which is your favourite bun that is named after a place?
These are fucking surreal, aren’t they? What bun? Is there – I’m just trying to think of buns. *RH cites examples.* Alright, don’t steal all the buns, I’ll have none left. What kind of bun is there? Hot cross bun. What other buns are there? *RH asks what type of bun is eaten in Bolton.* I don’t think they have a bun. They’ve got barm cakes. *Audience member suggests Eccles cakes.* Yeah, there’s lots of cakes, but I don’t know about buns. Bakewell tart, Manchester tart.
If you had to marry a piece of furniture, if you had to, which piece of furniture would you marry?
A fire. I love fires. I love fires. Like, open fires. Yeah, I’d do that.
If you could choose the liquid that you weed, what liquid would you wee?
Gold. Wouldn’t you, liquid gold? That would be a lucrative business, wouldn’t it? It’s hot, but you would be fucking loaded, wouldn’t you? That would be alright, wouldn’t it? Liquid would be ideal to come out of your urethra. Organically produced, on-site. I can give you a golden shower. That’s disgusting, wasn’t that? Sorry about that.
Why did Itsu in Notting Hill change from a sit-down sushi restaurant, with all the stuff going around on the conveyor belt, to just selling stuff out of fridges?
Maybe because people just got a bit depressed and didn’t have time to sit around the conveyor belt? Because everyone’s on the go now. Maybe somebody sat on the conveyor belt.
Who would win in a fight: King Kong or King Dong?
*SW unfamiliar with King Dong, so RH explains that due to the size of his penis, erections caused him light-headedness.* Well, then he wouldn’t win in a fight, would he? A penis that size would be quite powerful, wouldn’t it?
Why can’t we live forever?
It would be quite boring, wouldn’t it? *RH notes that this is why heaven would be moring.* Yeah, but then maybe there’s another bit after that, then you get excited about that. *RH notes that there are probably no answers in heaven.* We don’t have a clue. That’s what it’s like when you go to BBC meetings, isn’t it? You get excited and they go, “We don’t fucking know.”
For the Cool Kids, RH pronounces the “*” as “asterix”.
RH imagines the podcast still going by the time his children are teenagers, noting that he hopes he dies instead.
SW teaches RH the dance she did on Up Late With Rylan.
RH suggests that this is the first time the wee selection emergency question has been asked.