Title: Vaginal Lids

Soundcloud Time: 1:14:47
Youtube Time: Time

Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: May 30, 2018
Youtube Publication Date: May 30, 2018

Please Welcome a Man
Who has a fantastic system for finding his way on and off stage.

Cool Kids
I was talking to John from the original Tomorrow People. God, no one remembers him. He was also apparently in Beadle’s About.

Guest Best Known
AL: As the Narrator of Crazy Beaches.
JC: As being a 19th-century shoe merchant who built James Cooper House.
JM: As the son of Rocky Flintstone.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Unnamed shouted “RHLSTP” after RH’s said the entire podcast name, rather than the acronym
chided by RH

Emergency Questions

Do you think it’s possible that we’re all robots that we are all robots and we don’t know we’re robots?

AL: I’m so glad you brought this up. I don’t think so. Is that the right answer? *RH notes that recently nice throat made a “beep, beep, beep” sound.*I love that you think we’re really complex robots but it still goes, “beep, beep, beep”. “We must keep this secret but unfortunately when it resets every morning it has to go, ‘beep, beep, beep’. Let’s hope they’re always asleep when it happens.” You’ve really made me rethink that. Thank you.

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

AL: Do you mean for charity or something? You would make a lot though. Can you imagine the number. It would be, like, you know, when they do like, 0800-CENTIPEDE or whatever. They would make a lot of charity. For the kids Is Comic Relief for the kids. Children in need. No, don’t do it for children in need. I don’t think with human centipedes it’s a shotgun situation. There’s no great position, is there? So just to clarify, if I’m in the middle – I’m not saying I will be yet – are your arms my own? Can you be doing, like, watercolours and stuff? But I could prepare food which would probably be less awful for me. So, like, if they were like, “Oh, we really want to have, like, this really rich dinner,” I could be, like, “Oh, I’ve actually prepared this much healthier option” and that might be slightly better for me.

JM: For Comic Relief. No, James is like, “There’s definitely one that I want.”

JC: Sorry, I was just thinking about it the whole time they were talking. I’m the front, for sure. I want to be in the front. Well, we’re all going to want to go to the front. Well, the person in the middle has it the worse. *JM notes that this is true and that AL should take this position. AL notes that she will because she puts the least amount of work into the podcast.* If I was going to have to have my mouth on someone of the two of you it would be you *indicating AL*. Happy Valentine’s Day.

What is the worst music that you’ve had on whilst having sex?

AL: Have you ever done it where… But you know where you’ve watched a DVD and then it’s gone back to the menu screen so it just loops on the, on the same sort of, like, fifteen second loop of music. Oh, I’m trying to think what DVD. I actually can’t – it’s happened numerous times. I actually cant think what DVD. But it’s awful because you realize after a while and then you’re really distracted because it’s, like, Director’s Commentary; you kind of have a glance at what the options are. “I would actually quite like – deleted scenes? Amazing. I’d quite like to see that.” I’ve sometimes heard music through the ceiling from upstairs, and that’s really distracting, where you’re, like, God, that’s dog shit what they’re playing. Focus on the job.

Have you ever improvised a condom?

AL: You’re an eco-lover, so probably a banana skin. What do you mean? With, like, a sandwich bag? *RH mentions a crisp packet being used.* Did you have to do that, you know, when you get the last crumbs? There you go, that’s safer than a crisp packet. The crisp packet one though, I’m just picturing how depressing that it. If you want it to be comfortable and, like you say, you eat the crisps first. So you scarf loads of crisps, there’s the, like, crunchy crumbs left so you neck those. Then you, like, rinse it out in the sink? This is already, somebody’s already totally left. I would say the Ziploc bags; they’re quite strong, aren’t they for a thrust? But I can’t think of something that’s like biodegradable. I wouldn’t say a corn on the cob. That’s just fully settled on my brain. The husk of a corn on the cob. Oh, do you remember when yogurts were in those tubes? Früz. If you had a very long, thin – then that would be perfect.

JM: *RH mentions a crisp packet being used.* But sharp edges on a crisp packet. That’s not good for anyone. What about cheese string?

JC: What could you use, apart from a crisp packet? A sock? A banana skin?

If you had to have sex with a right-wing politician, if you had to, which Tory, right-wing politician would you have sex with?

JM: That’s a good one. Sarah Palin; she was hot. You could have John Major *referring to AL.*

AL: We’re out of the centipede now, are we? Is there a sexy Trump? Is there one of the Trumps that’s sexy? Well, Melania’s a good-looking lady.

JC: Farage for the story, no? I fucked Farage. Do you know who I think would be perfect for Alice? Jacob Rees-Mogg. He’s right up your street.

What is the strangest thing you have ever found in the embers of a bonfire?

AL: Actually, a hedgehog. It’s not strange, but it’s sad. I think it was dead. It was quite charred. But we were […] no, we then were very good, very stringent with our hog checks. *JM wonders that AL found evidence of it rather than it being burned up.* Well, you hear it, so you search for it.

JM: A Barbie.

What is the most humiliating thing you’ve ever done for chocolate?

AL: When you take the, you know the elasticated necklace with the bell on it? When you take that off you’re, like, “I’m just going to bosh this whole thing. There’s no wrapping this back up in gold foil. I’m going ears and then it’s gone. I can’t buy Nutella anymore because I do just eat it with a tablespoon. And its gone. I’d say, easily, three jars I could bosh. I mean, I wouldn’t go out and get another one, but if they were in the house I would. *JC asks to move AL’s position in the human centipede.*

JM: My sister puts a half-eaten bar of chocolate in the fridge. Who the fuck does that?

What film/story would you like to see remade by the Muppets?

JM: Belinda Blinked. Oh my God, can you imagine? Miss Piggy as Belinda? *AL notes that it’s what Jim Henson would have wanted.* Oh my God, this is amazing.

Notes

Guests are James Cooper, Alice Levine, and Jamie Morton.

In his notebook RH finds a note that reads, “Jam anger.” RH not sure what this means at first but later remembers.

This is the first occasion of three guests being interviewed.

RH noted that previous guest Jon Ronson was a recent live audience member.

For the human centipede question, RH framed the question as it being made up of the three guests.

RH tells story about childhood friend Phil Frye recently having hit a rabbit, then skinning and eating it.

RH does his impression of Kermit the Frog.