Title: The Herring Wonder
Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 3, 2018
Youtube Publication Date: October 3, 2018
Please Welcome a Man
Who has discovered a new wall-based mission in life.
I was hanging around with Kell from Keenan and Kell the other day. Things are going alright for him.
Guest Best Known
As the writer of the essay, I Shit My Pants in the South of France.
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How is anyone with any intelligence not an alcoholic?
Um, well, there is AA, which just arrests the drinking. But if you’re intelligent then you’re upset ’cause it’s, um – the world is falling apart and we die. I’m just thinking this through, you know, this was an emergency question. And so there’s a number of things to be upset about. You die, everyone you know dies, um, and we also seem to be mismanaging everything, so that’s also upsetting. So alcohol takes that pain away briefly. But, so I guess all intelligent people should be alcoholic, but there’s other things they can do to help them not think. The less thinking you do, the better. Or just be in the now, you know, because if you’re in the now, okay, its okay, we’re alive right now. You don’t need to drink. It’s amazing to be here right now, but we’re so afraid to be alive in the moment that we need lots of distraction, like alcohol. I don’t know. But I think you can be intelligent and not alcoholic, just for the record.
If you were God, what flavour would you have made ejaculate?
Well, that’s a wonderful question. I wonder if He or She thought about that.Well, the thing is, I think if I was a god, I would give people the option. Like they could hit a button on the male, like on the hip. So let’s say for me, I love the fat of a steak, and so if it tasted like that it would be great. Other people like caramel, you know, some people like almonds. So if I was a god I would give people many options. It’s hard for me to give a single answer to anything because I’m not very definitive about things.
What has been your least enjoyable experience of food poisoning?
No, but this is amazing that you should ask that because when you were talking about this middle-of-the-night existential trauma, almost thought you had died or something, I did flash to a story in my own mind, which didn’t seem appropriate to answer, but that question I can answer. So this was a few years ago; it was actually during Blunt Talk, and I went to some cocktail thing at Sony. It was actually trying to sell the TV show internationally. Maybe this is why it didn’t sell. And sometimes at these group large, fancy party, professional things, that’s when I do drink too much. It was an open bar; I went berserk. I kept drinking vodka club sodas. I met Wesley Snipes and I love his movies and I watched Blade a hundred times or something and I got my picture taken with him and he was so cool. He was like a beam of quiet light. It was really interesting. Anyway, but I must have had ten vodka club sodas and I’d even said to the bartender, “These are kind of weak, could you make mine stronger?” every time I’d come up. And he must have put in a triple; I didn’t notice. And then there was some kind of mad paella that you could eat. So I ate all this paella, with lots of different creatures from the sea in it and got wildly intoxicated. Was driven home; one of those rides where you;re like, Oh God. You know, where you want to die; you don’t think you’re going to die. And, you know, make it home. Called the young lady I was seeing at the time, “Could you come to my house?” I don’t know. I was having an existential – She came, and then I – we laid down. I hate to vomit more than anything and I thought, Oh my God, I’m going to vomit! And I got out of the bed to start running for the bathroom. […] And I start running and then the paella comes out of me, like *mimics vomiting face*. And I’m still running and I don’t know the physics of it, but the paella was here, I’m running, I then hit the paella and I slip. And I must have slid, because I’m now lying in, like, shrimp paella/vodka soup, all over my back *flails*. You know, and then it was so funny I almost laughed. And then made it to the bathroom, vomited more, passed out on the toilet floor, my body blocking the door. The poor young lady said she was going on the Internet: How do you help someone who’s dying of alcohol poisoning? She couldn’t open the door. And then, like, then I vomited again and I was like a Roman – I suddenly felt better. And she was in bed, she cleaned up everything. And I said, “You know, I feel a lot better. I’m going to take a hit of pot.” And she was just, like… Anyway, that was, uh, food poisoning, alcohol poisoning, but that thing of slipping in the paella was so disgusting. So anyway, I had an answer ready for that question.
RH announces that the series is sponsored by Beer52.
RH announces a new emergency question book.
JA reads an excerpt from The Extra Man.
JA performs a sound at the end of the recording.