Title: Horny Time Traveller
Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 31, 2018
Youtube Publication Date: October 31, 2018
Please Welcome a Man
Who just before the show spilled an entire cup of coffee over his desk and his computer and his watch and his phone.
I was hanging around with, um, the guys from Scouting for Girls the other day. Not the singer, the other two blokes. They’re good lads.
Guest Best Known
As Woman on Bench in Little Britain. Though you may also know her as Mother on Bench from the next episode of Little Britain.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note Andy McH When asked by RH, stated that he thought AL’s ghost story was true.
What’s the best museum you’ve ever been to?
Um, I quite like Boscastle Witchcraft Museum. Yeah, although I do think I might have got cursed when I went there. Maybe. Well, they make you look at a lot of cursed objects, that’s the main thing. And then at the end I sort of went to the gift shop and I said, “Is there anything that will remove a curse, seeing as I’ve been ’round?” And they went, “No, not really.” They didn’t even try to sell me anything. Yeah, exactly. They didn’t even try to sell me anything and I was a bit, like, Oh, wow, I’m cursed now.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
I think I have. Well, it’s coming up to Halloween, isn’t it? So it’s relevant. So, when I – Men and my friend used to have Halloween parties at this pub called the Prospect of Whitby. I don’t know if you’ve ever been there in Wapping. So I had a whole Halloween party. It was the night that I met my partner, actually. *RH asks if AL’s partner was the ghost.” That’s the twist – he’s a ghost. I’ve got a ghost baby too. So yeah, I cleared – I went back to the pub to clear up all of our stuff, and, um, a member of staff kind of went past me on the stairs. And I was kind of, like, I knew people lived – staff lived up there, and I was kind of like, “Um, could I… ?” And I saw, like, this foot. Like, it was almost a Michael Jackson’s foot in the sense that it had a little black show and a little white stocking. No, it wasn’t moon walking, it was just running up the stairs. And I looked up the stairs and there was no one there. And I felt like they were mocking me. I felt like it was something that had been playing a trick on me. But it was the day after Halloween and I came downstairs and I was a bit freaked out. And the staff went, “Are you alright?” And I said, “I think I just saw a ghost.” And they went, “Oh, was it on the stairs?” And they went, “Oh, we’ll get the manager. He’ll tell you all about it.” And it was haunted. It was a haunted pub. Well, many years later I read this thing, um, there was this pick-pocket called Cutpurse Moll. This is true. This is many years later. Who was a pickpocket and she used to hang out there. But she dressed in men’s clothes and she used to wear, like, stockings, with, um, ribbons around the top. I think it’s her. Yes, she was just a foot. *RH asks if AL had anything stolen.* Yeah, a plastic bag. I had a plastic bag and I was trying to put stuff in it and it just disappeared. And when I talked to the manager he went, “That happens to me all the time. She hides stuff in the ladies’ toilets”. He didn’t say “she,” he just said “the ghost”. But it was me that decided it was a she. I still don’t know if I believe, but that’s my good ghost story.
What is your favourite towel?
Um, it’s this [unclear] one, which is a bit sad because she’s sort of shut up shop now. And now I can’t get another one and it’s the only nice towel that I have and its all over.
What do you think is the lamest modern-day item that you could take back to the Middle Ages and then it would lead to you becoming king of the Middle Ages?
Lamest item? I was going to say a tampon. Actually, that’s quite good, but it’s one use only and they’d go, “Now your pals are gone.” They’d jus be like, “That’s disgusting.” Maybe just one of those boards, you know – because my daughter’s just got one where you scratch a thing and then you wipe it out. Because that would never run out and people would be like, “Oh my God, she’s a witch. She can write runes that then disappear.” Just a photo. Like, if you had one of those masks of, like, a celebrity. If you took that they’d be fucking freaked out, wouldn’t they? They’d be, like, “Aaaaaahhhhh!” You’re that person, now you’re not.
If you had to wear somebody’s guts for garters, if you had to, who would you disembowel to facilitate your socks staying up?
I don’t think I could give a real answer because, well, Donald Trump or someone like that. That’s the obvious answer. But the first answer that came to mind was Daniel Day Lewis because there’s that bit in Gangs of New York where he goes, “I will festoon my bedroom with your garters – or, with your guts.” Sorry, I’m misquoting him. But he says something about festooning something with someone’s guts. And also he’s retired so, from acting, which is just annoying, isn’t it?
What is the worst thing that a cow has done to you?
Um, I could say a horse. I could say a horse. I haven’t got a cow story. When I was a little kid I read this book called Milly Molly Mandy and there was this story about a little girl; it was a very specific thing about this little girl. She went out with a basket on a picnic with all these things, like a little notebook, little, you know, boiled egg, and just, like, little things. And I remember we were going out for a country walk and my dad, my mum said, I said, “Can I bring that basket?” And I put all the same things that were in this and I was really happy. We went to a field and there was a horse and my dad was like, “Look at the horse”. And it was massive. I was probably about six or something. Massive, this horse, and he was, like, “Look at this horse, isn’t it lovely?” And I was like, “Yes, its lovely.” And I just knew this horse meant evil, basically. I knew it meant ill towards me. And, um, the horse declined its head, like that. And I closed my eyes because I was so scared. This horse went like this *bows head* and it just took my basket and ran away with it. Just took my basket.
What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you in a B&B?
Oh for reals, I’ve got a brilliant one. I shouldn’t big it up too much. So when I was on tour with, um, uh, Garth Marenghi. And it was Richard Ayoade, Matt Holness, me and Paul King, the writer and director of Paddington. He actually used to be our driver. He actually used to drive us around. He was our director and he used to drive us around in a car to different venues. And we were doing a tour and, like, Matt and Richard were like, “Ugh, we don’t want to do a tour. We hate tours. We’re really miserable and stuff.” And um, so Paul was like, “I’ll book us some really nice B&B’s.” And he did. He booked us some really nice B&B’s. But one of them was by the seaside. And it was this man with a comb-over. He was literally like a League of Gentlemen character. He had a comb-over and lots of those figurines everywhere; dusty figurines and, you know, plastic flowers. And in the morning I woke up, like, bolt-upright with the loudest,uh, pan-pipe synthesizer music that I have ever heard. It was about six in the morning. And we came downstairs and this man was just belting out this stuff. And we sat down for breakfast sort of shell-shocked and he was like, “Uh, this is me. I play all of this on my Casio keyboard and here is the CD, if you would like to buy it; this is Autumn Moods.” And yeah. He was like, “I’ve got no musical training. I just make it up myself.” And it was stuff like *singing*, “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine…” All with, like, just synthesizer on a Casio. It was creepy as hell. It was really creepy ’cause I was like, What is he doing? It was like he was trying to get us out, in retrospect. He just wanted us out. It was one of the weirdest experiences, I have to say.
Imitating Banksy’s then-recent art Sotheby’s shredding incident, RH rips up a copy of the emergency questions book, to be auctioned on eBay.