Title: Doctors and Nurses

Soundcloud Time: 1:10:19
Youtube Time: 1:10:58

Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 7, 2018
Youtube Publication Date: November 7, 2018

Please Welcome a Man
It’s the horny time-traveller himself.

Cool Kids
I was hanging around with some old-school Doctor Who fans today, who strongly feel the series should retain realism. The magic alien time traveller must have a penis. They strongly feel that, even though we never saw it so far. There might come an adventure where a Dalek needs to be fucked or something. And what are you going to do if it’s a woman?

Guest Best Known
For the portrayal of Smartysaurus in Noddy, Toyland Detective.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Ray Chaudmarage in for the show from Austin, Texas
frequent donor to Scope

Emergency Questions

You are dressed so well tonight. What was your worst fashion decision you ever made?

It was a combination when I was, uh, maybe fifteen, of getting my hair cut really short. I don’t know why; I think Mum – It was a bit like your hair but it looked wrong on me. I looked like Yentl. But, um, Barbra Streisand – you know that film? But I also got – vanity – I got white braces. And so I smiled at a boy in the club and they glowed in the dark. I looked like Skeletor and it was really awful. That was pretty bad.

What do you think is the lamest modern-day item that you could take back to the Middle Ages and then it would lead to you becoming king of the Middle Ages?

A dustbuster. They would love that. They were absolute wankers. I hate them.

Have you ever travelled on West  Midlands Railway? If not, what is your least favourite railway company?

I have travelled on… yeah. They’re shit. I’ll tell you what I don’t like now, is the, um, the new Virgin whatever they’re called. Vulva or something, what are they called? What are they called? Vula Vula. They’re called something with a “v”. Has it still got a “v” in it? […] It’s something else and it’s disappointing. It’s very disappointing. *Audience members advises it’s Pendolino.* Yeah, just like that – Vulva, Pendolino. The Pendolino goes in the Vulva.

Have you ever suckled on the dugs of a barren old woman?

Oh dear. I haven’t. My mouth feels funny, now you’ve said that.

What is your favourite flat thing?

A pancake. *RH notes that he ate pancakes that morning.* So did I. What did you have with yours? *RH notes that he had bacon.* So did I. *RH notes he also had blueberries, raspberries, and bananas.* No you didn’t! I did too. I didn’t have raspberries though, so it wasn’t that good a coincidence.

Have you ever employed a smith of any kind?

Have I ever employed a smith? Uh, blacksmith, Granny Smith… I’ve only got two and one’s an apple. A Granny Smith. She also, she’s a wet nurse some of the time as well, with her old dugs. Um, uh, have I? A goldsmith! Probably. *RH compliment’s JR’s engagement ring.* I took my “practice rings” *referring to rings from first marriage* to – I took them to Hatton Garden – little wedding ring and a little sapphire – I was going to flog them, so I could maybe take my mum to a spa or buy a nice divorce handbag, or something like that. And the man said to me, “If you get offered fifty pounds for these, take the money and run.” Blue glass. I know. What a shit.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No. Often, when I’m about to get in bed in the middle of the night, or if you get up to do a wee then you come back, I do often imagine a hand coming out and grabbing my ankle. But that’s not a ghost, that’s just a murderer. Yeah, it’s not happened yet, but I worry about that. It would be very scary.

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

My boyfriend’s got a big foot. Not but he has and he has terrible fungus on one of his toes. Yeah, he’s got to take pills for it, it’s that bad.

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

So can you remind me exactly – do I have to eat their poo or something? So your mouth is stitched to their anus and someone else’s anus is stitched to yours? […] So I think – whose poo would I not mind eating? Whose poo? Meghan Markle’s. I think she would have a clean bottom hole. I think that would be okay. And I could poo into Hitler’s mouth. That little bastard. He was a really bad man. I think that’s fair. And I would say I’m morally in the middle between Meghan and Hitler. I’d say I’m more or less in between.

Would you rather be furry like a bear or scaly like a fish?

Scaly like a fish. I like scales. I’ll be like a sort of a mermaid. *RH notes that mermaids are furry.* Well it depends if you’ve got the fish head or the tail bit.

Notes

Brief moments of this recording were bleep censored.

RH claims that he’ll ask next week’s guest Greg Davies (and every other male guest) what his beauty secret is.

RH rips out the page of his notebook with the old barren woman’s dugs question on it when JR responds in the negative.

RH offers JR a beer from Beer52.

RH noted that he was in Manchester for Ernie Herring’s first birthday.

RH laments having drunk so much alcohol.