Title: How Does She Know So Much About Parachuting?

Soundcloud Time: 1:09:07
Youtube Time: 1:09:47

Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 14, 2018
Youtube Publication Date: November 14, 2018

Please Welcome a Man
Who this week was heckled by a dog.

Cool Kids
I was hanging around in Gateways in Cheddar. I was buying a family pack of Trios. Remember the old Trios? Remember them – the Trio bar? And I got it, it didn’t have any biscuit in it. It was the best day of my life. Steve Rowland, who worked at Cheddar Gateways in 1981.

Guest Best Known
CW: From her appearance – a very fabulous experience – on Pointless Celebrities.
HG: As the writer of two episodes of Justin’s House.
TG: As Lieutenant Davis in Brennan’s Sacrament.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
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Member Member Note
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Emergency Questions

Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?

CW: I’m going to let you girls take this first so it doesn’t look like I’m a minority view. With a robot? What level of robot are we talking? I mean, it sort of is cheating.

HG: I mean my boyfriend’s in, should we ask? Would you fancy that? Oh, do you know what? No, I think it’s fine. Saves me a job, doesn’t it? It’s fine.

TG: I think that’s okay. I would welcome that. I’m married to a Welsh guy; I feel like he could pick up a few things.

Does sex with a robot count as cheating if the robot is an exact copy of your partner in looks and personality?

HG: He might let you go away more. He’ll look after the kids more.

How about if the robot is an exact copy of what your partner looked like when you first met them?

CW: The judgment from your own audience. You really upset these people. They really feel for me right now.

HG: Fucking hell, Rich. What about a robot of you but back when you were on the telly?

Have you ever met Prince Andrew?

CW: He can’t use any of this, don’t answer him. I have not met Prince Andrew.

TG: Only in my dreams.

HG: I haven’t. I met a royal once who they opened an asthma clinic on the Isle of Wight. And I refused to curtsy because I thought it was too girly. Oh God, the Duchess of something. You know her; she’s lovely. I think I bowed. I was in primary school, so I was nine. Nine or something? Yeah. It was an asthma clinic and now I have really bad asthma so it did fuck-all for me.

Would you rather have a fold-out table that grew out of your rib cage and which could be put up and down in mere seconds, or a stretchy back skin which could be pulled over your head to act as a makeshift bivouac?

CW: A makeshift what? What’s a bivouac? I choose table. Because, like, I could put my bag on it and look for stuff in my bag, standing up. This sounds like a conversation for Robot Catie, then I don’t have to listen anymore.

TG: I’ve thought about this a lot over the years. Do you know what popped into my head, which feels – Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m about to tell this story. It’s on brand, because it’s the drunkest I can ever remember being. So, I would choose the table that would pull down because I remember going home after a night out in New York – whatever – and I lived in this apartment in Brooklyn and we had no food in the house but I was starving. So the only thing I had in the fridge was a jar of matzah balls, a Jewish delicacy. I didn’t heat them up, I just took them out of the jar and I remember just eating them, lying down, watching a film and one of the balls rolled down – I was naked, I forgot to tell you that – it just fits, doesn’t it? You get naked and you eat some kosher food. It’s what it’s all about. So the ball rolled down into my navel and I just had this moment where I was like, Okay, there’s a cold matzah ball in my belly button. And I just went out of my body; I’m like, Am I telling this story to a bunch of people? I’ve gotta finish now. Um, so I just rolled it back up my body. And I remember it took, like, a detour around my boobs because it does, you know? It just sort of veered over the left one, which was slightly larger. And then I got it all the way up and I put the whole thing in my mouth and I chewed. And that was the only moment where I thought, You know, I might have a drinking problem. Um, but I still don’t think that I do. And so yeah, table in the ribs is what I’m saying. […] Now I kind of wish I could pull skin over my face though.

HG: I don’t know, I’m always getting caught in the rain so that’s sort of, like, jovial answer after Taylor. You know, sometimes I go out in the rain so maybe I have to tent.

Were you ever in a fan club?

CW: I thought you were going to say “fight”. I don’t think I was. They used to cost money when I was a kid.

HG: I was in the Dennis & Gnasher fan club. Yeah, represent – we got any members in? It was shitty, wasn’t it? You spent two pounds and they gave you a badge. Fuck Dennis & Gnasher. Not in it anymore.

TG: I was in the New Kids on the Block fan club. Yeah, but I joined it just because there was a group at school and they were, you know, they were the cool kids. So I joined it just to fit in with them, but secretly I was listening to Talking Heads. And I remember my friend, like, caught me listening to them and they were, like, “What is this shit? This is so terrible.” And that is all you need to know about where I grew up.

Notes

Guests are Hannah George, Taylor Glenn, Catherine Wilkins.

Prince Andrew question amended to include any of the Royal Family.

Brief moments of this recording were bleep censored.