Title: Bowl of Cheese

Soundcloud Time: 1:24:42
Youtube Time: 1:25:08

Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 21, 2018
Youtube Publication Date: November 21, 2018

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s just been advised to do his belt up backstage.

Cool Kids
I was hanging around with the Baader Meinhof gang. They are not as much fun as it makes them sound, I have to say. They were quite unpleasant. Quite unpleasant people in many ways.

Guest Best Known
As Balloon Man in Teen Titans Go! To the Movies.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
N/A N/A

Emergency Questions

What’s your beauty secret?

Yeah, I suppose the one, the one vain thing I do and I’m amazed that I’m admitting to, is that I put a little bit of dye in my beard. There’s a man over in my park who runs the local café, who said – and this is just genuinely how he talks, this way – he said, “No, no, no.” And I said, “What?” He goes, “This, no.” And I went, “Oh, you don’t like it?” And he says, “No, you look one hundred years of age. You’ve got to draw some Just For Men through that.” So I do draw a little bit through the side to stop me looking like Santa. And that’s the only thing I do.

What’s the most impressive place that you have revealed you’re naked?

Has that [the emergency questions book] gone to press? Fucking hell. Is this self-published? Is it self-published? Where I’ve revealed I’m naked. I don’t think I’ve ever revealed I’m naked anywhere impressive. I don’t really like being naked. I don’t like looking at myself naked. But I can tell you that the freest I’ve ever felt naked was on a hillside in Spain. And someone had bought me a caftan. And I went out at the place I was staying in the very early morning and my girlfriend at the time was in bed. And it was six a.m. in the morning, and I went out in my caftan and I stood on the side of a mountain, and I lifted my caftan up and I just urinated off the mountain without touching my penis. And I don’t know if you’ve ever done that – it is amazing. Man, it is so liberating. All of the men here – and the women, I guess; it might be a bit more messy – you must go home and try and have a wee with your hands behind your head. It’s so freeing; it’s like returning to the wild. So I guess that’s the best way I’ve revealed I’m naked.

Would you rather be the face of a twin, mostly absorbed in utero, staring out of the stomach of your otherwise regular twin – you would be able to think independently and talk and pass comment on what they were up to and chat with them if they’re lonely or if you’re lonely, or be the prisoner of a randy bigfoot, who so far has treated you kindly enough but has a look in his eye?

So, distilling those down a bit? Oh, so I’m just a small face within someone else’s stomach. Would I rather be that or would I rather risk being potentially fucked by a sasquatch? Is a bigfoot a different thing to a sasquatch? *RH corrects GD, stating it’s a yeti, not a sasquatch.* Okay, what’s the key physiological difference between sasquatch and bigfoot? I just want to know whether it’s a big penis. Well, Richard, in answer to your question, I would, I think, I would prefer the freedom of moving around and fending for myself and the small chance that the bigfoot wouldn’t fuck me than being absorbed within someone else’s stomach. So I think that would be my answer, yeah.

Would you rather have the living face of your own twin, who you had mostly absorbed in utero staring out of your stomach, who would be able to think independently and talk and pass comment on what you were up to and chat with you when you’re lonely, or live on top of a pole in the desert for thirty years like Simeon Stylites?

It’s all about freedom of movement for me, Rich, and I don’t want to be trapped in someone else’s stomach and I don’t want to live on top of a pole like David Blaine. So yeah, I would have a small voice in my stomach.

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*?

No.

What is the best thing you’ve ever bounced on?

I mean, I had a Space Hopper. I guess that’s it. I had a very rare blue Space Hopper. Yeah, that was bigger than the orange ones because I was an outsized child, so they sourced a blue Space Hopper for me. I guess that’s the most… thing I’ve bounced on. I imagine you’re wanting me to… That look on your face is just sexual innuendo. You’re the only person I know that can do sexual innuendo without saying anything. Just by having your face.

Notes

This is GD’s second appearance.

Brief moments of this recording were bleep censored.

Beauty secret emergency question taken from The Daily Express and will be asked exclusively of male guests.

GD comments upon the intensity of the heat in the theatre.