Title: Ladybird

Soundcloud Time: 1:15:13
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 28, 2018
Youtube Publication Date: November 28, 2018

Please Welcome a Man
Whose breath smells rather too much of garlic, for which I apologize to the people in the front row.

Cool Kids
I was talking to John Dalton the other day, who, I hardly need remind you, whose model of the atom held that atoms were indivisible and indestructible and that all atoms are of a given element are identical in mass.

Guest Best Known
For playing Detective Tickleberry in Crumbs.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Andy McH confirmed that he can’t smell RH’s breath
stated that he was regularly nude until he was ten years of age
David Frew RH asked him to confirm whether John Dalton’s atomic theory was right
stated that he was regularly nude until he was two years of age
confirmed there are lots of midges in Scotland
has not seen The Cobbler

Emergency Questions

Have you or do you suspect that you’ve ever made love to an insect that has taken human form for the night?

Have suspected or hoped? No… wait, hang on. Insect. An insect taking – so how, how human – Okay, so how much – Is it like, kind of suspicious that it might be an insect? You probably know. I’ve had sex with not many people, so the pool is small already. Who was the most insect-like? I’m just trying to think through my sexual history, if one of them was – yeah, maybe a couple. Very mysterious. I think I’d be okay with it. I don’t know – what I’m – Wait, would you not be okay with it? If you found out that it was an insect after all? Yeah, of course. If after we had sex the guy was like, “Oh, well, sorry, um – I should have mentioned this before. Um, I’m actually an insect who has taken human form.” I’d be, like, sweet. It is kind of romantic.

What is the largest number of insects that you have been attacked by at one time?

I’d say safely fifteen. Flies or mosquitoes. Yeah, flies. Lots of mosquitoes. Yeah, that’s the best thing about living in this country, nothing else, is that, is that there are no mosquitoes. But I once had over a hundred mosquito bites on my body at one time. Yeah, it’s horrible.

Have you ever met a shepherd?

I don’t think I’ve met a shepherd. I’ve met a farmer. I’ve probably met a shepherd, they just weren’t forthcoming that they were a shepherd. Do you reckon that shepherds always hold the [crook]? What I love is that I’m looking over your shoulder to the book and just seeing a tiny illustration of a shepherd holding a little crook.

If there are ever sex robots, as any right-thinking person hopes, would they be self-cleaning or would there be another small robot that would clean the sex robot or would there be a person whose job was to clean out the sex robot before the next person used it? Can you think of a worse job?

This is all about the context because I assume that if I’ve got a sex robot it’s, like, my sex robot, right? I’m not going to, like, have a sex robot that I share with other people. I think that’s how it’d be. I’d be the person who cleaned the sex robot at the brothel, and then one time the robot’s like, “Hey, um, do you want to go for a coffee some time?” I’d be like, “Yeah, wow, sure,” as I’m cleaning out whatever they have. And then I’d break them out of the brothel. Is that an answer or just a fantasy?

What is the biggest animal whose life you have saved?

Um, I don’t know if I’ve saved… The cat. The cat – I’ve saved his life.

If you could travel in time and have sex with any historical figure, who would you have sex with?

Honest to God, this is my favourite question of all time. Historical figure in history. I could just choose an ex-boyfriend. Ah, historical figure. Um, Cleopatra. Yeah, you know. Branch out. First experience with a girl, why not be Cleopatra? I think she’d be, she’d be hot, right? So, Cleopatra. *RH states that Cleopatra was “alright”.* What do you mean, she was alright? *RH states that Cleopatra was not as attractive as history has made out.* Oh, you know one person. I would actually like to see how blue Rasputin’s eyes were. But I don’t want to fuck him. I wouldn’t want to fuck him. He would make you. Time’s Up, Rasputin. Time’s Up. That is easily the worst thing I’ve ever said in my entire life. Um, historical figure. Uh, shit. I guess – but when you say “historical figure” you only just think of the bad people in history, you know what I mean? What about, um, Charlie Chaplin? You’re really doing my ideas down. No, I feel embarrassed and insecure about my tastes in historical figures – I don’t know. [Charlie Chaplin] definitely has to be dressed up. Aw, Buster Keaton, I actually would love him. No! Gene Kelly! Woo! So, I mean, hugely Gene Kelly; the greatest ass in the game. You check that shit out tonight. Go on Youtube, he’s got an impeccable ass and I’d love to have sex with him.


RM lives in the house formerly occupied by previous guests Stuart Goldsmith and Nish Kumar, which backs onto the house formerly owned by RH.

During the episode, RH asks audience member and “next week’s” guest Nish Kumar to confirm whether the Prime Minister of New Zealand had ever tweeted him.

RH notes that RHLSTP episodes are catalogued at the British Library.

RM estimates that the last year someone will listen to this episode is 2070.

RH asks that any listeners listening after 2070 contact RH.