Title: Chicken Carcass Ghost

Soundcloud Time: 1:21:10
Youtube Time: 1:21:54

Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: December 21, 2018
Youtube Publication Date: December 20, 2018

Please Welcome a Man
Who is still drunk from last week’s show. How did that happen?

Cool Kids
I was talking to Perkin Warbeck and Lambert Simnel the other day; the pretenders to the throne of Henry VII. I hardly need to tell you.

Guest Best Known
Is well known from her not-yet-broadcasted appearance on Celebrity Games Night. She’s also Gwen from Dinopaws, which some of the dads and mums will have seen.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Stewart wearing a Brian Blessed shirt
thought that the Brian Blessed interview was the best episode
works in IT
has been married for thirteen years
James sitting with Stewart
wearing a computer game-related t-shirt
Unnamed confirmed that Charles Dickens cheated on his wife

Emergency Questions

How many spoons do you think there are in Cairo?

I’ve been to Cairo, yeah. I have used quite a few spoons in Cairo. I’d say upward and including 17,000.

What is the most inexplicable thing you have seen in the sky?

Because I love UFO’s and I really believe they exist. Yeah, and I think I’ve seen about twenty. *RH asks AA what she thinks they are.* Airplanes. *RH asks if AA thinks that aliens have visited the earth.* They’re here. They’re here. I am like David Icke. No, they walk amongst us.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Yes! Yeah, I think there are ghosts. We think we’ve got one in our house.

Marmite: Do you love it or hate it? Or do you not mind it? Or have you never tried it, in which case shall we go and buy some and you can try it? Okay, got some now – taste it. Do you love it or hate it or are you ambivalent or somewhere on a sliding scale between those points, if so, quantify that as a percentage, where hate is naught percent and love is one hundred percent?

*RH states that he is at 100%.* So am I. Now, have you tried Marmite and peanut butter on toast? Do it! It’s the best thing that will ever happen to you. It’s really good. *RH asks what type of peanut butter to use.* Crunchy, let’s say. Don’t do smooth, actually, because it doesn’t help. You want a little bit of texture with the Marmite because Marmite’s really smooth.

Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?

I don’t like those [human-looking] robots. Oh, I don’t fancy Gemma Chan. You clearly do. But I don’t like those robots; I think they’re really weird and they are the beginning of the end. And I would never have sex with a robot. We’d have to discuss it. But then that’s fine – you have sex with a robot. I will sit here and watch.

If there are ever sex robots, as any right-thinking person hopes, would they be self-cleaning or would there be another small robot that would clean the sex robot or would there be a person whose job was to clean out the sex robot before the next person used it? Can you think of a worse job?

*After RH asks if they will be self-cleaning.* I fucking hope so. *RH continues question.* Is this your diary? “I’m here to clean a sex robot.” Thanks, I’ll give you my [unclear.] No, I think they should self-clean, clearly. Well, there should be, like, a brush that goes in – that comes out and goes *vacuum  noise*. Like a carwash. Think of it like a carwash. I hadn’t thought – if you’d have asked me this backstage, I could have time to think about it and formulate an answer. Okay, they should be self-clearning, there should be some rotary mechanism and it should be a tube that comes out and gets rid of the detritus.

Who or what is your favourite Jacob or Jacobs?

Marley and the cracker. I can’t decide between the two. Because A Christmas Carol is my favourite story, apart from 1984.

What do you think of the decision made by Jeffrey Katzenberg of Disney Studios to cut the song When Love is Gone from the theatrical release of A Muppet Christmas Carol? I mean, it’s a bit soppy, but surely it ruins the balance at the ending, when the song is reprised, as The Love We Found. Doesn’t it? I’m not calling Katzenberg a prick – that’s not my place. Not on this special day.

That’s more of a statement, but yes.

What is the smallest amount of money you have received in a Christmas card from an elderly relative?

Um, a pound. Uh, last year. That’s a complete lie. That was an absolute lie.

Have you ever met a shepherd?

No, but I have rescued a sheep. In Wales. It was stuck in a quarry and I persuaded it to come nearer. *RH asks how AA did so.* *Bleating noise.* I did that *bleating noise* and then I went back to my friend’s cottage and got a carrot. Well, I don’t know what they eat. *RH states that carrots are for rabbits.* Oh, maybe I rescued a rabbit. But he was stuck and you know when they kind of stumble and they’re a bit, like, you know, a bit, like, fawny when they can’t – and it was all like a sheep-dip thing and he couldn’t get out. So I did the call *bleating noise*. We managed to get him out – me and my friend Emily. He didn’t even say “thank you”. Just gamboled off like a twat.

Have you or do you suspect that you’ve ever made love to an insect that has taken human form for the night?

Say that again? I’m trying to think. No, I don’t think I have but I’m not ruling it out. There is a possibility. But when I was about eighteen. I’m not talking now. I’m talking before, you know, before everything. Before acting, before deciding what I wanted to do with my life.

Notes

RH’s dog is extremely ill this week.

Previous guest James O’Brien in the audience.

AA was meant to be a guest some weeks prior but had to reschedule.

RH had recently appeared on Celebrity Games with AA, but they both suspect the show will not be aired.

RH notes that Ben Abell won the part of Sherlock’s Indignant Man that RH had auditioned for.

RH notes that he only gets the parts that Nick Frost has turned down.

Sherlock spoiler.

RH tells chicken carcass ghost story.

Death in Paradise spoiler.

AA was brought another vodka part-way through the recording.

RH notes that he wants to make a Muppet Muppet Christmas Carol.

RH stated that when he was attacked by a goat he used his 11 year-old niece as a human shield.

RH tells story of losing his virginity.

RH gives AA an emergency questions book.