Title: Esme

Soundcloud Time: 1:05:01
Youtube Time: 1:05:37

Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: January 2, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: January 2, 2019

Please Welcome a Man
Who today on Twitter has tweeted a picture of him holding a gigantic stone and looking delighted.

Cool Kids
I was talking to Neil Kinnock at the Sheffield Rally on the first of April, 1992. He also said, “We’re alright! We’re alright! We’re alright!” That’s what he also said. People mainly remember that from that.

Guest Best Known
As Bungle – not what you’re thinking – it’s in Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, 2002. Could that be him for real?


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Esme Young judge on The Great British Sewing Bee, which JL is currently hosting
JL refers to her as a “piss-head”
had been on a day-out with JL prior to the episode recording
had performed at the Leicester Square Theatre in 1982 with Glen Matlock
disagrees with RH that robot sex is sexy
will be turning 70 in February 2019

Emergency Questions

What’s your beauty secret?

I would say very expensive creams. Only because I was gifted some because I’m in show business. Um, uh, what was I doing? The Great British Sewing Bee. And, um, because it was a full series or whatever we, um, Sisley – am I allowed to say that? It sounds like I’m endorsing them. No, but I don’t want to endorse a brand. Sisley are wankers and they kill kids. There you go – now it’s, like, half-way. Maybe that’s why my skin is so wonderful, because it’s used from the dead children they murdered to put into their cream, which they definitely do, and I will agree to it in court. Fuck. “Comedian Kills Kids By Accident By Wearing Sisley Cream.” And I’ve started using this Sisley cream. I turned thirty this year and this cream, like – I don’t buy anything like that normally, but the make-up girl put it on me and I think my skin is a lot better.

What do you think is the lamest modern-day item that you could take back to the Middle Ages and then it would lead to you becoming king of the Middle Ages?

Oh, that’s interesting because I often think about my late grandmother, if I went back in time and showed her the iPhone and all the things you could do on that and how amazing that would be and how in awe she would be of that. I think she’d be confused by it, she was always confused by any technology. So she’d be, like, “Lovely,” and then die, as she did, famously. *RH notes that an iPhone would work for a brief period of time in the past as you couldn’t recharge it.* I think you’ve nailed it; you’d take back a USB charger. “This is very powerful because we all need one at all times, essentially.” No, um, I don’t know, actually. Um, a Nintendo Switch I think they’d find a bit interesting, wouldn’t they? How far back are we going? Middle Ages. What have they got back then? Bottled water. They’d think that’s silly, wouldn’t they? I feel like I’ve really failed you on this question. *RH notes that it’s a stupid question.* No, none of the questions you ask on this show are stupid. And don’t you ever think that. And if you ever think that, call me immediately.

Do you have a favourite joke?

Oh, fuck, I was asked this question. Well, in a way. Um, I’m not sure I’m allowed to talk about this, though. I’ll have to use an alias. No, not for myself, for the person… Hoe Jycett… I did a show with an octogenarian chef, female… Hairy Jerry. Her name might rhyme with that. It’s not been out yet. I don’t know whether they’ll put it out after what happened. Um, we were cooking a chicken pie and we were making pastry. And there was self-raising flour involved in the pastry, and there’s a book – there’s a joke in the book [JL’s book, Parsnips, Buttered] about self-raising flour. I said, “Oh, that reminds me of a joke that I wrote, which is – self-raising flour, I blame the parents. Just a stupid little whatever joke. And she went, “Oh, you’re a comedian. You must write a lot of jokes.” I said, “Yes, yeah I do.” She said, “Oh, what sort of jokes?” And I said, “There’s none that I can tell you that are appropriate.” And she said, “Oh no, I love jokes. Tell us a joke.” And I was racking my brains. Because I don’t really write jokes; it’s sort of story-telling and what you’ve said, like, kind of trolling people and whatever. The only joke that came to mind, because I was making chicken pie was, “Misunderstood the meaning of jerk chicken, and now I’m not allowed within five miles of any farm.” And she laughed, so I was buoyed by that. And she said, um, she said, “Oh, I like that. What does it mean?” And I said, “It’s about wanking off a chicken,” because I was confident from the fact that she’d laughed. And the silence. And she just said, “Let’s carry on with the pastry.” And at the end of the shoot the director said, “Anyone for jerk chicken?” And that was with Mary Berry.

Have you ever caught a falling nun?


If you could spend Christmas with any celebrity, who would it be and how would you explain to them why you were in their house?

Eamonn Holmes. And I would explain to him clearly it was because I was there to glass him with a bottle of Chateau. I’m nothing if not honest.

Knees and elbows seem flawed – I think we can all agree about that. What do you find most annoying about them and how would you improve them?

Uh, right. Gosh, there’s a lot to take in there. I have broken my elbow. I broke my left elbow. I was doing a photo shoot. I mean, you can see now it’s fully recovered. It’s a little weaker than the right arm – that’s fine – but apparently the bone itself is a lot stronger because when they re-heal, or whatever, they kind of get stronger. I did that. Yeah, I was doing a photo shoot and I kicked one leg into the air, because I was showing off, and then whilst that leg was in the air, kicked the other leg into the air. And then gravity did its old fucking thing, didn’t it? I landed on concrete and landed on the elbow. And all of the people in the photo shoot made the noise that some of your audience members have made, which is *makes noise indicating agitation*, “Are you okay?” A lot of that going on. And because you then go into shock I said, “Yeah, I’m fine, totally fine.” And carried on with the photo shoot for half an hour. And literally every photograph in the rest of that photo shoot was hilarious because it’s just me being, like *holds arm in uncomfortable manner*, “Yeeeaaaahhhh…” Can’t extend it at all. Like, totally in distress, like, close to vomit. I’ve gone, like, grey-pink, like, yellow, whatever colour. Like, really fucked up. So, that elbow has betrayed me on that one occasion. No, I betrayed the elbow, actually, and I’m sorry about that, Martin. Knees – also, I get problems with my left knee. Less so these days because I’ve started doing yoga and that seems to have strengthened it out. The right knee’s fine, but the left knee does seem to give me some chip. And I am a young man. […] So, I do think that knees… elbows I’m sort of less worried about, but the knees will go. If you remember in Baz Luhrmann’s Sunscreen, which I take all advice from, one of the lines is, “Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.”

Have you ever sucked on a fisherman’s friend (lower case)?

Now that’s interesting, isn’t it? So, is the subtext of that, have I ever sucked the cock of a fisherman? But, like, sucked his penis, or any part? I don’t know, actually. I don’t know because, right, so I define myself as pansexual, which is a form of bisexuality, which is basically bisexuality but, like, gender is part of why I’m attracted to people but there’s all sorts of other reasons. I won’t go into it into too much detail. But I’m sexually attracted to both men and women, but also gender is just, like, a fluid thing. So, um, but, I actually, sexually, don’t really engage that much with men. And so I’ve only sucked a few cocks. And so I’m not sure. I’ve not gone through the list of friends of the people whose cocks I’ve sucked. No, I normally go for people without friends. Just sort of lower the chances of getting back to me. And so, inevitably, I probably have sucked a fisherman’s friend. So let’s say yes.

If there are ever sex robots, as any right-thinking person hopes, would they be self-cleaning or would there be another small robot that would clean the sex robot or would there be a person whose job was to clean out the sex robot before the next person used it? Can you think of a worse job?

Um, well, as a man it’s not, like, wildly difficult, is it? Because you just give it a rinse. But as a woman, I’m not really sure what happens. Don’t you have to wait a bit and things, like, if you’ve not used a condom things like that sort of fall out. Oh, actually, no, because I’m a top, not a bottom whenever I’ve done gay stuff, so you might actually have to, like, poo out some jizz. Mightn’t you? God, now that you really think about it, it’s awful being gay, isn’t it? They should be stopped. Perhaps stoned to death. That might be an appropriate response. Um, I think that they, um, I think they probably should be self – I think there should be some process. Yeah, I think probably all you need is some sort of jet pump in the kind of abdomen of the sex robot, that just sort of sprays water into whatever cavity you’ve, like, fucked. And then that sort of pushes out the jism and any – like, hot water as well.

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

So, the middle isn’t an option? Oh, I see. Well, based on this evening, Esme’s going at the back, isn’t she? Um, and then because I love you so much… [RH advises he’d eaten cauliflower soup for lunch that day.] I reckon I’d get some sustenance from that. So, yeah, I’d have you and then Esme Young, judge on the Great British Sewing Bee, which starts on BBC2, in a family-friend fucking slot.


This is JL’s second appearance.

JL describes himself as the number 1 RHLSTP fan.

RH offers JL a beer from Beer52, but he is already drinking wine.

JL asks RH the emergency question: “What is your favourite colour?” RH advises that it is orange, which is why the emergency questions book is orange.

After asking the falling nun emergency question, RH advised that he had caught a nun, so it would be a good question for him. RH takes an audience poll as to who has also caught a falling nun.