Title: The Great HMS Victory Robbery
Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: May 8, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: May 8, 2019
Please Welcome a Man
Who now only works Mondays.
Richard Herring Lists Smelly Toilets Podcast
I was talking to the man who pretends to be Pikachu in Leicester Square.
Guest Best Known
For being on the poster of the Richard Herring show What Is Love Anyway? That is why we’re all here. She’s one of the female scientists taking out my heart on the poster.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note N/A N/A
What was the worst thing a teacher ever said or did to you at school? And was it a games teacher?
He said, “You’ll never amount to anything, Ruffell.” And I said, “I’ll amount to more than you, wanker.” And, yeah, got in – Basically they called my mum and dad up the school. This is material, sorry. I did it on a telly thing. But they called my mum and dad up the school; Dad came up the school. They told my dad the story and my dad said, “What have you got to say for yourself?” And I said, “Well, he told me I’d amount to nothing so I called him a wanker.” My dad just looked at the headmaster and said, “That does sound like the type of thing a wanker would do.” And I got a letter of apology. I went to a really shit school. Yeah. It’s out of order.
What is the best thing you’ve ever lost and then found again?
Oh, my cat. Well, she was just in a cupboard, but she’s an indoor cat and she’s very small. She’s too small, really, but I don’t say that in front of her. And she’s got very large ears, so she can probably hear what I’m saying right now, but she’s beautiful. She’s an angel, she’s a baby, she’s a princess, she’s a dream. And I love her more than anything. I was getting ready and sometimes – I didn’t know this at the time – but likes going in my wardrobe and sitting amongst the shirts. Because, you know, they’re silk. And I couldn’t find her. And I was running to my girlfriend, being like, “I’ve lost the cat. I don’t know what happened. I must have been taking out the rubbish. She must have got out!” And then I was very emotional and I just heard “Meow”. My baby! “Where are you, my baby?”
What was the weirdest reason you ever skived off school?
All the time. I never really gave reasons; I just didn’t go in. So Mum would drop me off, and I’d wave, then I’ fuck off. And I remember distinctly one of my favourite things to do was go to Tesco’s for breakfast. So I went to Tesco’s for breakfast and as I was finishing my mum and my nan walked in. I was like, Oh no. And mum went, “Oh Suze, not again. Come and sit with us.” I didn’t have a lot of discipline growing up. Like, I remember – and like, my mum and dad are very supportive of me doing stand-up, but because I wasn’t very academic at school I think they were just like, “Oh, she’ll work in a shop. You know, she’ll stay in Portsmouth, she’ll get married to a man, she’ll have a baby. That will be her life.” And I remember when I was about 15 I said to Mum, “I’m going to university.” And Mum went, “Oh, Suze. Your brother’s the clever one. You can tap dance.” Like – that was the alternative career choice.
Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?
Finger that can travel through time. *RH asks where the finger would go.* Everywhere. But I can’t be there? I can just have a look? Like a glory hole? Oh, it’s a penis! I’d quite like to go to the future to see what I’m up to. Oh, but wouldn’t that be horrible if I was like, me in the future and I was in a coffin? That would be terrible. […] Oh fuck, I’ll have the tit.
If you had to marry one of the Muppets, which one would you marry?
In Muppet Christmas Carol, there’s a bit where Fozzie is doing the stand-up – do you know what I mean? Where he’s like, “Oh God, this is harder than I thought.” And I was like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. And Kermit goes, “Myth! It’s a myth! Myth!” And this little waitress goes, “Yeth?” And I’d marry her. Because, you know, someone who can do a lot with a little part is the sign of a real actor, isn’t it?
What celebrity would you like to be stroking your head as you die?
Um, Leonardo DiCaprio. Yeah. Some reactions in the room. I mean, what’s not the appeal of Leonardo? I just think that he seems like a good guy. And he’s lovely looking.
RH is currently abstaining from alcohol and chocolate. At the time of recording, RH has gone 56 days without a drink or chocolate.
RH notes that he would have been a teacher if he hadn’t gotten into comedy.
SR attended RH and Catherine Wilkins’s wedding.
RH reveals that Al Murray bought him his wedding suit.
The talcum tit/time-travelling finger emergency question received a cheer from the audience.