Title: Lembit Opik Catfish

acast Time: 1:13:56
Youtube Time: 1:15:31

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: May 15, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: May 15, 2019

Please Welcome a Man
Who has committed many crimes, but the police will never catch him.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Large-Sized Telescope Podcast

Cool Kids
I was talking to some Klingon-speaking Star Trek fans. They said, *speaks in Klingon,* which means “Where’s the bathroom?” But when they came back…

Guest Best Known
For being on Celebrity Lego Masters at Christmas.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Twon claimed to be David Frew
received the free tickets that audience regular David Frew gave away
bearded
full name is Antoine
works in IT
Sophie sitting with Twon
described as “a friend”
recently fired from working in radio
RH advised that even if she’s feeling low she’s still better than hanging around Twon
Unnamed has similarly-sized feet to JD
thinks that JD has a better life than her

Emergency Questions

Is there anything you’d like to have made for you specially by porn stars?

Yeah, luckily the fetish of myself is already taken. It’s quite easy to find. Um, and… being a guest on a podcast fetish hasn’t really – that would be a great one. Yeah, I don’t know.

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

Yes. Obviously. Like, any man that hasn’t tried, you’re a fucking idiot. What are you doing with your life? Like at some point someone’s gone *reaches for penis with mouth*. No, I can’t. But then I wish I had – The first time I ever tried I was probably, like… *RH notes that if JD had been successful, he might have not become involved with a blackmailing catfish.* I mean, I probably wouldn’t have done anything. I wouldn’t have got a job. I wouldn’t be doing this. I wouldn’t have written a book. I definitely wouldn’t have written a book. I would have gotten nothing done in my life. It’s at that point where you, you sort of – it’s exciting in your life and you’ve found this new toy. And, like, you’re suddenly like, “What!” Of course, of course you try. When I first found masturbation when I was fourteen, I then fell off my bike and broke both my wrists in a cast. Two casts. So I then – I’d just found this thing and I was like, Aw shit. And so, I mean, you’re fourteen so you still do it, you just sort of *makes restricted movements with arms*. Grating away with two casts. It’s a lonely fight. Hopefully that won’t be as graphic to the podcast listener.

What was the worst thing a teacher ever said or did to you at school? And was it a games teacher?

I had a teacher that always used to say, “Mark my words.” And I was like, That’s literally your job. I think comedians all had teachers that were like, “You’re not going to amount to anything,” and all of that stuff. But I always think the worst thing in school – Like, I wish I went to school in America because they leave on the bell. You know, because when the bell goes they grab their stuff and immediately go because that’s what they do in the movies. But in England you, like, you try, we all try to leave on the bell. The bell goes, we grab our bags. But in England they always go, “Uh, no, you leave when I say, not the bell.” And you’re like, Well, why is there a fucking bell? Get yourself a watch. That’s what I think. Always tried. It’s a fucking loud signal that. It’s a very distracting signal for a group of thirty kids.

What is your favourite keyboard shortcut?

F4? *RH asks what that shortcut does.* Oh, I have no idea. I have absolutely no idea. I don’t really know. I don’t really know. I was doing this with my hand, what’s thing one? Ctrl, alt, delete. Is it the Insert button that makes it go back on itself? And so then you’re typing and it won’t – I don’t really know what it does and you’re like, “Ahhh.” And I’m almost, I’d probably say five to ten times in my life I’ve been like, My computer’s broken now. But I didn’t realize I’d accidentally pressed that button.

Do you wash your legs when you’re having a shower?

Mmm. Yeah. Probably, um, yeah. Yes, I do. And my favourite part of the shower – I don’t know whether it’s going to be one of those things where a comedian says a thing and a mark of a good bit is when you say an observation and people go, “Oh! Ahahahaha!” And a bad one is when you say something and they go, “No, it’s just you.” I wash myself in the shower and then before I get out I just get all the water off my legs and I go *making wiping motions with hands*, “Shoom!” *Making wiping motions with hands*, “Shoom!” And so much comes off. And it feels great. Because I feel like I’ve just done so much of the towel’s job. That’s my favourite. So I feel like that washes the rest of my legs. Yeah, yeah. I feel like that basically saves on the towels.

If, like Adam Sandler in The Cobbler, you had the power to transform yourself into any person with the same size feet as you by wearing their shoes after you’d cobbled them on a magic machine, which person with the same size feet as you would you become?

Well, mainly women, I think, with size six or seven feet.

Notes

RH claims to not look back at previous podcast episodes out of embarrassment.

RH states that the niche porn he would like tailor-made by porn stars would be masturbating ventriloquist dummy-related.

RH and JD compare foot size one against the other.