Title: Caretaker’s Cupboard

acast Time: 1:09:26
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: July 30, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who is doing this podcast at the New Town Theatre in the Edinburgh Fringe at 1:30pm daily – not Monday – details at richardherring.com

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Lighting Smelly Trumps Podcast

Cool Kids
I was talking to the York City Fan Club the other day. And he calls it…

Guest Best Known
As the narrator of Greggs: More Than Meats the Pie. That is “meat” spelled m-e-a-t-s.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: Like

Member Member Note
Unnamed telephone rang during the introduction and RH noted that it sounded like a landline ring rather than a cell phone ring
Unnamed tells RC that she has a nice voice
Unnamed corrects RC on where Kate Bush resides

Emergency Questions

You should never put an ice lolly in your vagina. But if you had to, which ice lolly would you put in your vagina?

A Twister? I’m never going to work again.

If you had to stick a Borrower up your ass, if you had to, which Borrower would you stick up there?

*RH notes that this is a particularly apropos question for RC as she was a cast member of The Borrowers.* Six inches – that’s not that small, to be fair, is it? Not for the bottom. […] Probably myself, just so, yeah. Not me – Arrietty. No, because actually she’s a child. That’s not fair. The grandma Borrower. Oh my God, this is my worst nightmare.

What do you most regret destroying with fire?

Um, pictures of myself. I got very drunk. It’s not funny. I did tell you not to have me on and that I’m not funny. Just, like, a few albums. The sleeves, with photos in. I can’t remember the words for anything. You know sleeves? With photos in? Do you know what I mean? No, but albums is the book that they come in… envelopes. Someone’s leaving there – really cross about their photos. […] So I destroyed, like, four or five of them. I was – It was a long time ago. I was drunk and in a self-hating mood and just thought, I’m going to burn all of the pictures of myself. And then woke up the next morning. *RH asks if RC also burned the negatives.* No, I took the pictures out. I don’t remember doing it one-by-one because I don’t remember doing it. I had the negatives.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Yeah. Well, the thing about ghosts, right, is if you say, now, here, “No, I haven’t,” tonight the ghost will be cross with me. So, I don’t want to do that, because that’s scary. No, but I used to see my grandma. My grandma had a sort of ghost and I used to see her ghost. But also I worked – *RH asks RC to clarify whether it was a ghost of her grandma or a ghost her grandma owned.* No, it was a sort of spirit guide, type thing. Yeah, that we used to talk about. I used to see a lot of ghosts when I was a kid. Like, in the City Varities. I saw a lot of ghosts. Yeah, there’s loads of ghosts there. I was visited by a ghost when I was doing Detectorists. Yeah. So, I was in my hotel room and there was, at two o’clock in the morning – and there’s someone here who can attest to this as well – two o’clock in the morning […] so there was a big bang, but it was a really brutal, savage, ghost-like bang, not like a gentle person bang. There’s a difference. And we were like, “Oh.” I was with my boyfriend; we were like, “Oh, what was that? Let’s go back to sleep.” Then it happened again. Then it happened again and it was more brutal, times three. So my boyfriend ran to the door, looked through the peephole, spyhole, and you could see right down the corridor – nobody there. Next morning I tell the cleaner, and she said, “Oh yeah, there’s a ghost in that room.” And she – it was quite famous apparently. There’s a ghost. She said she’d been moving a tray and she turned and shed seen a ghost. Was it a top hat… or something like a top hat. And she’d seen it. She did say that. It wasn’t a top hat. It was like a sort of – oh, here we go. Like, you know, one of those hats that peaks at the top. Like a religious peaking hat. A monk, no a priest, A priest’s hat. Black though. And a cloak – he had a long, black cloak. Near the tray as she was taking it out. And she said, “Uh, yeah.” And then she said there’d been a massive tragedy there actually. But we didn’t see it, but we heard it. But if he could come in I don’t know why he didn’t just come in. I think ghosts like the fear that you receive from them.

Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?

Um, nobody ever says talcum powder, do they? I mean, menopausally I would answer that, but the finger. Always the finger. I worry about the thing of getting back. But then would it be able to come back to you? Your finger’s off. *RH clarifies the physics of the time-travelling finger.* You go with the finger? You’re invisible? *RH clarifies further.* You can’t feel the finger if it’s gone that far off. Yeah, but that’s because you’re here with the finger. If your finger is in 1746 you won’t be able to feel it. You are powerful. I would go back to when that man walked out [referring to a departed audience member] and ask him why he was walking out. *RH notes that the finger cannot speak.* I’m an actor, so I can do it with physical kind of… No, I would devise a piece with my finger that he would know what I was saying.

Notes

Audio only.

RH thanks Joe Baker for providing the above acronym modification.

At the end of the interview RH collects donations for Scope.

A piece in the Metro news inspires RH to write the vaginal ice lollies emergency question.

RH notes that the episode would be called “Caretaker’s Cupboard.”