Title: Scottish Russian Dolls

acast Time: 1:01:07
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: August 9, 2019
acast Publication Date: August 10, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who, like everyone in this audience, is rather damp today.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Lipstick-Smeared Teats Podcast

Cool Kids
I was hanging out with the Silent Disco walking tour today. They’re people with headphones. They go around singing and dancing in the streets but you can’t see what they’re singing and dancing to. I mean, it sounds obnoxious and horrible, doesn’t it? But it’s not; it’s really cool. Most of them are just listening to this podcast as they do it.

Guest Best Known
SJ: As Dave from Hollyoaks Later.
JG & AS: For being up against each other for the Herald Scottish Culture Award. But which of them was the winner and therefor the best of the two? They’re also best known for – they’re like Russian dolls. One of them came out of the other one’s vagina. During this show another one might come out of the other one’s vagina.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
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Member Member Note
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Emergency Questions

Spencer Jones

Where do you get your crazy ideas from?

Well, you know, like, all of our minds are kind of going a hundred miles an hour? Everyone’s minds – maybe it’s just me. It’s just like – ding ding! And it’s not like I’m thinking of idea, idea, idea – it’s just this brain keeps moving and doing stuff. And at home in my gaff, I’ve got, like, a work room with, like, a keyboard set up because I like to play keys but I’m rubbish, but there’s music there, but there’s also some paints and stuff to draw. And you’ve got the kids, and then you’ve got obviously the computer. I mean, I think I might be a little bit ADHD, where I’ll go, Oh, I’m bored of that now. No, I’m going to play on the keyboard in my pants. I’m going to have some Wotsits. I’ll have some Wotsits. Oh no, I feel like I’m going to paint. You paint for one minute and you go, No, I’m bored of that now. But as long as you keep doing that at home eventually stuff starts to build up. As long as the bills are getting paid, the missus let’s me live like that.

If you had to invent a fifth season, which two other seasons would you put it in between, and what would happen in it?

That’s great. I think, let’s have something, like, just between, oh, winter and spring. Um, I don’t know what we’re going to call it. Why would I put it there? I’ll think about that in a minute. And, uh, maybe a season before summer, so you can work out how to wear shorts, because I look rubbish in shorts. So it would be nice if they had a little season, mini season, for working out what your knees are like, sort of section.

Is your happiest memory of a time when you were alone or with other people?

Happiest memory. My happiest memories are, like, when, when the kids were born. *RH notes that both of his children’s births were sort of horrific.* No, it was just once it was finished. Yeah, it’s like a gig. It’s like the gigs: Ahhhhhhh. And then afterwards like, Thank you, oh, thank God for that. Yeah, once they were there. I think it was when my daughter was born because we were convinced that we were going to have two sons. Not, like, you know, we’ve just got a feeling. It’s just there were little clues and stuff. We’ve got, you know, when they do the scan and stuff. And then when it was a daughter it was like, yeah, that was an amazing feeling. It’s not funny, but… Although I do get very happy watching the Rocky movies on my own. I still get the goose pimples.

Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?

Just the finger. You can do a lot with a finger. I would probably do stuff but then you’d want to see the result of it afterward, wouldn’t you? So I think just my finger popping up at very key moments in time. Just, there it is there.

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

I’ve not been to enough. I’ve not been to enough to give a good answer. Oh God, Richard. Oh God, what would I like? Maybe something to do with the Beatles. Yeah, maybe quite good to have John Lennon’s, that piano he played. Can you imagine? That would be pretty good. But never play Imagine on it. Just Chopsticks. Put videos online just to annoy people.

Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie

What is the most pretentious book you’ve ever bought but not read?

AS: Lincoln in the Bardo. Yeah, I’ve never read it; I just bought it because I wanted to look smart in front of a hot bookshop man. *RH asks if it worked.* No. *After gives JG gives her answer:* Nobody has coils now. *JG asks if AS has checked every fanny.* Yeah, just get a wee metal detector. My friend Vicky used to take Catcher in the Rye just to see if she’d get pulled over and she never got searched but I always did. And she would have Catcher in the Rye with her. Weird thing.

JG: Um, I think I bought Catcher in the Rye. Just somebody’s cheap coil version.

What is the worst Adam Sandler film, in your opinion?

JG: I don’t even know and Adam Sandler film.

AS: Yeah, love them. Um, yeah, I want to say the remake of Burt Reynolds’s The Longest Yard was the worst of the Adam Sandler films. Just because it was a weird remake and Burt Reynolds was still in it so it made it really confusing because it was a remake and I don’t know. *JG asks if AS has seen Big Daddy.* Big Daddy, yeah, that was a terrible film.

What was the biggest lie your parents ever told you?

AS: That they were happy. *JG notes that they told AS that she was diabetic.* Yeah, I wasn’t allowed sweets and that’s why; they said I was diabetic. *JG notes that she also told AS that the chime of the ice cream van meant that the driver was crying and had to go home.* When that Care Bear came to my birthday and it had a hole in the bum of his suit you told me he sat on a jaggy cloud and I was afraid of flying for, like, fifteen years in case a jaggy cloud ripped the plane open.

Notes

Audio only.

Recorded at the New Town Theatre.

At the end of the interview RH collects donations for Scope.

This is JG’s second appearance.

The emergency question about taking home one museum or gallery piece was inspired by RH’s love of the Lewis chessmen in the National Museums Scotland and his wish to take them home.