Title: The Oldest Person In Scotland

acast Time: 1:03:21
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: August 14, 2019
acast Publication Date: August 14, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s hoping that his audience didn’t just have a fight with Stewart Lee’s audience. (I hope you did. I hope you won.)

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Lumping Shit Together Podcast

Cool Kids
I was talking to the Stewart Lee fans who were just leaving. They prefer kind of more mainstream stuff than this; TV comedian stuff. They can’t really bare a joke if it’s repeated for more than twenty minutes. So they can’t stand when one joke is stretched over seven or eight years. God, I hope they don’t find out about the stone-clearing podcast. It’s going to blow their minds. They don’t call it…

Guest Best Known
For holding a Guinness World Record for naming the most countries from their capital in 30 seconds. He was also a nun in the 1960’s.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Jillian as part of the birthday game that RO leads, Jillian is the final person to have her age guessed by RH and the audience
RH guesses her age is 35
turned 35 yesterday

Emergency Questions

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

I would say – and legally I could take it? Okay, well, just the most expensive one. Of course. Well, I would guess it would be the Mona Lisa, right? I would have thought that would be the most expensive. Why would anyone take home… *RH suggests aesthetic motives.* I think that would be weird. I think if it’s a great work of art it belongs in a gallery, Richard; that’s my thinking. So more people can see it. *RH asks RO if he just wants it so he can sell it to another gallery.* Yeah, of course. Of course. But if you took the Mona Lisa that’s – I mean, that’s half-a-billion pounds right there. That’d be worth having, wouldn’t it? *RH notes the small size of the Mona Lisa.* No, but that’s even better, because taking it homes is easy, You could literally just take it on the Eurostar. If you had to take The Last Supper it would be an absolute pain in the ass. Because there’s delivery costs and, you know, you’d be at work and they’d be like, “Oh, we tried to deliver The Last Supper and you weren’t here, so it’s at your local post office.” The Last Supper – that would be a good thing  […] So the Mona Lisa. And if anyone else is saying anything else… *RH notes that he would take one of the Lewis chessmen.* You can probably do that. There’s loads of them.

What is the largest animal that you think you could take down in a fight?

That’s a really good one. Well, it’s interesting because the size of the animal – It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of fight in the dog, as Barry McGuigan’s dad always used to say. Um, so I would think… Look, I would think something that was not that threatening, like a cow, right? So, a tiger, for example, is smaller than a cow. I don’t want to tell you your job, but it is. And a tiger, I don’t think I could beat in a fight. But a cow – Like, you remember that picture of that massive cow they had in America? The really big one? That was a big cow. But I reckon, what’s it going to do to you? I don’t want to fight an animal. *RH asks for confirmation that cows are ungulates.* Oh God, they certainly are. Tell me about it. *RH suggests that cows could kick with their hooves.* What, a cow? You’d be frightened of a cow? Listen, I don’t believe in any sort of animal cruelty, but one punch and you could… Yeah, the cow’s not going to think, Oh, there’s the guy from Pointless coming to punch me. But you could easily – Listen, it might run, but does that count as…? I mean, listen. And I have to do this. Sorry, I have to do this. And if I do this I get the Mona Lisa, is that right? I would kill a cow for the Mona Lisa. I think so. Listen, I don’t ever want to be put in that position, but if I was forced to by some weird kidnapper, then, you know, I guess I would. There’s the plot for my next novel.

Have you ever taken a lie detector test?

Oh, I haven’t. I would love to. *RH suggests a lie detector could be put to good use on a game show.* I would love to do that. Well, you’re not allowed to use them anymore, of course, because after Jeremy Kyle got taken off air because of them. I was genuinely watching Jeremy Kyle one day and there was this woman – this is absolutely true – and I used to say this sometimes; you cant really say this anymore because it’s been taken off air. But there was this woman on the show who thought her boyfriend had been cheating on her. And he was taking a lie detector test. And Jeremy Kyle said to her, “How sure are you that he’s been cheating?” And she said, “Well, Jeremy, I’m 80-30.”

Notes

Audio only.

Recorded at the New Town Theatre.

At the end of the interview RH collects donations for Scope.

This is RO’s third appearance.

Listener Andy Wallington tweeted a news item to RH that noted that you shouldn’t put vinegar up your vagina.

Emergency question about the largest animal you could take down based on Geoff Norcott’s question from the previous day’s episode.