Title: Robot Sex Again

acast Time: 1:00:05
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: August 22, 2019
acast Publication Date: August 22, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who is sick to death of disgusting audiophiles.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Last Shitting Thursday Podcast

Cool Kids
I was hanging around with all the nominees for the Perrier Awards – no, they don’t call them that anymore, do they? All the nominees for Dave’s Best Comedy Show at the Pleasance Award.

Guest Best Known
SM: For her work as being camera assistant on Crapston Villas.
AF: For doing a stand-up show with a robot. At least, that is all I found and when I read that that was all I was interested in. And that is all we are going to talk about.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
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Emergency Questions

Susan Murray

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

Have you heard my accent? What galleries do you think I go to? I don’t even go to the Wolverhampton Art Gallery. I think it’s a Wetherspoons now anyway. I just go to the ones at Wetherspoons. Well, it’s obviously going to have to be the Mona Lisa because it’s worth the most and it might just pay me half a month’s rent in Edinburgh Festival.

Do you ever secretly wonder if you are the new Jesus?

The new Jesus? Secretly wonder if I’m the new Jesus. My ego’s just not that big. Maybe if I took enough decent drugs, I would. You know, a little bit of psychosis. Because apparently that’s what you write a show about these days and then you get six million stars for it. Psychosis, sexuality, feminism, yeah. Said the bitter comedian. *RH makes reference to SM’s show’s topic this year.* That’s not on the list of awards, apparently.

Do you ever wonder if secretly you’re a prince or princess and that you’ll one day take your rightful place on the throne?

*RH asks whether SM thinks she’s a secret child of Lady Diana.* I don’t think that the dates work out, do they? Do you know what? I’ve got such low self-esteem I once – Do you remember, does anyone remember, a comic called Mandy? It was a little girl’s, along with Twinkle – that’s how old I am. And they were always stories about orphans in a work house. And it turned out they had a twin sister that was still living with the family. For some reason they’ve given one kid away even though they’re loaded, right. She’s in a work house and they have telepathic messages. And I actually demanded to see my birth certificate when I was about eight year’s old and I was really disappointed that I wasn’t adopted. “Oh, I thought I was going to have better parents than you.” Now look at me – stand-up comedian with no self-esteem.

What is the biggest animal that has bitten you?

The biggest animal that has bitten me? Do humans count? I got bitten at a gig once. Yeah, yeah, by some madwoman at a [unclear] gig. Yeah, somebody bit me in the middle of a mosh pit. *RH notes that sometimes his son bites him.* Yeah, I don’t think she was teething at 40. I don’t like big animals. I’m scared of horses.

What is the biggest animal you have bitten?

Bitten or eaten? Who bites animals? Are you that hungry you can’t want for it to be killed and cooked? *RH asks what is the biggest animal SM has eaten.* Um, I think it’s probably just a cow. No, it’s probably a horse, isn’t it, because of the horse/beef scandal. And the thing is I don’t know why that was a scandal because horse meat is better quality than cow meat. Why is everyone complaining? And it probably tastes nicer? If you can ride it you’re not going to eat it. *RH notes that he has eaten crocodile.* Have you really? I don’t go for exotic foods. I’m a bit of a vanilla kind of wimp. I don’t even like spicy food.  I don’t even drink coffee because I think it tastes – it smells like heaven and tastes like a puddle. I’m a horrifically fussy eater. I can’t eat cheese if it’s melted on toast. No, makes me gag. *RH asks SM whether she eats pizza.* It’s mozzarella ’cause it’s really weak. If I have crackers and cheese – this is so weird – I grate the cheese onto the cracker and Marcus Brigstocke goes mental, because he thinks I’m a real scumbag. “You don’t eat cheese like that!” Well, that’s how I eat it. Sorry. If I have it sliced it makes me feel sick because it’s too strong. I’m such a wimp. I’m pathetic.

Alice Fraser

Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?

I think it depends on the volitional element. Whether you believe the robot is a person, if you’ve attributed it with sort of – It’s the hard problem of consciousness. So that I think once philosophers have resolved that then you’ll have to stop fucking your robot. Well, hey, don’t ask me for permission. If you want to fuck a robot, fuck a robot. *RH notes that he doesn’t want to have sex with robots yet, but will once they look like the ones on television.* Yeah, those are actors. I mean, arguably you could just fuck sociopaths. Genuinely, I’ve never turned my mind to this problem and I’m very confused that you have turned your mind to it so hard. Have you seen those Boston robotics creepy ones? They’re going to murder you in your sleep. That’s not sexy, unless you’re into vampires. Or giant mosquitoes, as I call them.

What is the biggest animal that has bitten you?

Ooh, I have been pleasantly nibbled by an elephant. And weirdly, kangaroos always try to eat my hair. Kangaroos and wallabies go straight – I see them, it looks like some sort of native grass. They genuinely – every time I’ve come within arm’s reach – tiny arm’s reach – of a kangaroo or a wallaby they will just *makes nibbling sound*. *RH asks where AF finds kangaroos.* You have to go out of the middle of the city. You have to go into, sort of – you know, there’s national parks that ring Sydney, which is my hometown, and if you go out into them, yeah, you’ll see one. They’re quite shy as a general rule, but… *RH notes that he wishes he could see a giant kangaroo, or any of the animals that inhabited Australia before humans arrived and killed them all.* Oh, those massive wombats. You know wombats; only animal that does a square poo. They have, like, little Lego blocks. Very cute.

What is the biggest animal you have bitten?

The biggest animal – I don’t know that I’ve bitten any big animal. I once, once accidentally ate a cockroach with my breakfast cereal. Because I grew up in this very crumbly old mansion, a house that was falling to pieces. And we were a Buddhist family, so we weren’t allowed to kill any of these little creatures so they would turn up in odd places. Do you know how arrogant a cockroach becomes if it knows you’re not going to try to kill it? Like, fucking just… *RH asks if AF swallowed the cockroach.* No, I spat it out, horrified, and sort of did a dance. Did the “Ahhhhhh!” dance. They don’t taste good, let me issue a warning. Yes, I think they’re probably very high in protein or something disgusting like that.

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

To own, not to sell on? Look, if it was just to enjoy, for myself, there used to be an incredible installation at the Melbourne Art Gallery that was just a pool, sort of turquoise bottom, and it had just cheap balls floating in it and a convection current that banged them against each other and this sort of beautiful gong noise. And I used to just go and sit there, and it was like, so relaxing and so nice. I’d have that. *RH suggests AF could create one on her own.* Probably, but I am desperately lazy. So that or, you know, some sort of fancy crown. One of those colonially-thieved diamonds that is the size of your fist, kind of thing.

Notes

Audio only.

Recorded at the New Town Theatre.

At the end of the interview RH collects donations for Scope.

RH notes that listeners of the free audio podcast have been complaining about the sound quality for the past couple of weeks.

RH admits that he does not actually feel strongly about ever being on television again.

RH notes that his son scribbled all over his notebook.