Title: Second

acast Time: 1:04:22
Youtube Time: 1:04:41

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: September 3, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: September 3, 2019

Please Welcome a Man
Who has a strange sense of déjà vu, which probably means that he is lying in a hospice bed somewhere, if you listened to the last podcast and just imagining this is happening.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Lovely Smashing Terrific Podcast

Cool Kids
I was hanging out at the Fingerprint Maze in Hove Park.

Guest Best Known
For his appearance on The Dan and Dusty Show.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Brian did not attend the first recording with Angela Barnes
RH advised that Brian should have, claiming that Barnes exposed her injured breasts

Emergency Questions

Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?

I feel like this hasn’t been thought through. *RH notes that one could mess up a person’s Subbuteo game.* I’ve gone through to the seventies. Push the very heavy buttons on a transistor radio. Right, okay. I think the thing is – the reality of time travel is brilliant, but if it’s only down to my finger I feel like I’m not getting the full effect. I think the, uh – No, I think from the point of view of a party trick, the tit that can dispense talcum powder. Yeah, because the thing is, it’s both actually useful and also memorable. ‘Cause people would go, like, “Have you met Stephen Grant?” “Oh, what, Stephen ‘Future Finger’ Grant?” No. “Have you met Stephen Grant?” “Stephen ‘Tit Talcum’ Grant?” Yes. I think it’s just got a bit of panache. So, tit talcum.

What is your worst hotel/travelling experience?

Okay. As soon as I thought that, I’m thinking about Michael Fabbri’s one, which is one of the best stories in the world. Get him on. I mean, we’re not censored, are we? Okay, so I was staying in an incredibly cheap hotel in Norfolk, okay, back in my previous job. And, um, it’s one of those ones where there’s a restaurant, but I get a free meal with it, paid for by the client. This is back in my engineering days. And I ordered something with prawns. And that was the last time I ate prawns, as you’re about to find out why. And I remember when the food was ready because you could here the “ping” from the microwave when you were there. And they gave it to me and I got some of the worst diarrhea I’ve ever had in my life. To the point where I couldn’t make it from the hotel bed to the actual en suite. So I just destroyed everything: bedding, carpet, the actual, the main toilet, the shower, and all the rest of it. And I was supposed to be working eight o’clock the following morning and I was like, it’s four in the morning and I basically was. It was like the ending of Slumdog Millionaire. It was like, just – it was just a thing of horror. And I remember thinking, Well, I mean, how do you pick up the phone and say, “I’m sorry, I’ve heavily shat the entire room. It is now uninhabitable and I now need to die, please.” But I was so ill, I couldn’t do anything. So I phoned up and I said, “I need a doctor, “so they could get a doctor in. And they said, “Well, can we come in and check on you?” I went, “No. You can’t.” Ans so they said, “Well, the doctor can’t get here until two o’clock.” I didn’t have any food or anything. So I just basically drank water out of the tap and shat myself for twelve hours. And when the doctor came in, the doctor said, “I can’t see you in here. It’s too horrible.” And I went, “Look” – because by then I’d got a bit better, but I hadn’t cleaned anything up. And yeah, I’ve taken your question quite literally, haven’t I? A lot of people would have a funny story about bringing a girl back and it’s a bit weird and it turns out they’re related. “Oh, what shall I do?” Uh, no, no, I just… I mean, I think the worst thing that happened was, is that I tried to clean everything as best as I could, and I rolled up the bedding and everything like that, and put it into bags. And I asked them to give me some plastic bags and stuff and said I’d had a few accidents and stuff. And I was in my late twenties then and it was awful. It was just so bad. It was their prawns! Their fucking fault! Anyway, and then I rolled everything up and I realized my keys and the television remote control were in the roll of the duvet and I was going to have to dig it back out again. I genuinely phoned the RAC to find out how much replacement keys… rather than dive through my own sort of feces to get the keys. Do you know what – I’ve told virtually no one that. I don’t think that even Wife 2 or 1 know that story.

Have you ever suckled on the dugs of a barren old woman?

The dugs? The dugs? Oh, the dugs. Define “old.”

Notes

Recorded at The Old Market in Hove, Brighton.

SG shows the audience his injured collarbone.