Title: Emmerdale Farm

acast Time: 1:01:09
Youtube Time: 1:00:27

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: September 11, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: September 11, 2019

Please Welcome a Man
Who thinks he might be on magic mushrooms; he’s not sure.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Let’s Start Tea-bagging Podcast

Cool Kids
I was hanging out by the world’s tallest maypole in Barwick in Elmet the other day. Some people in the next village were trying to steal it but they couldn’t carry it and had to leave it in the road.

Guest Best Known
MC: As Duane from 2point4 Children.
DB: As the Petrol Station Attendant from 2point4 Children.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Unnamed in the front row
14 years-old

Emergency Questions

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

MC: So, just to fill people in, which is the wrong phrase to use given the scenario, this is a trail of people… *DB suggests that MC demonstrate.* No, no. It’s a trail of people nose-to-tail. That’s the best way – Is that right? Is that fair? *Referring to DB:* He would be one of them. Yeah, because of trust. *RH asks whether DB would be in front or behind.* Probably best to leave it, really.

DB: Apparently it’s anatomically do-able. Oh, I don’t want to go into it. *MC asks why DB is going into it.* No, I’m not going to go into it. We’re part of a daytime programme; we’ll be sacked.

Have you ever been in a police car?

MC: Yes, but only – I was with my mate in Leeds and we were trying to get from one bar to another, which was right at the other side of town, and we happened to walk past two policemen and they said, “Oh, alright, Marlon.” And I went, “Hello.” And they said, “What are you doing tonight?” And we had a little chat and I said, “I’m trying to get across Leeds.” And they drove us in the back of the van across Leeds to the other bar. Well done, indeed. *RH asks if the lights on the car were turned on.* No, that would have been fantastic. And then just sort of thrown out of the back of the van.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

MC: No, no, because they don’t exist. I’ll just reiterate that. *RH asks whether fictional deceased character Amos Brearly ever appeared on set to give advice from beyond the grave.* So Amos turns up on set and starts advising a fictional character about who he should marry? That’s the scenario you’re painting?

DB: I have a theory that all mediums are evil, money-grabbing people that are liars and just make money from people who are grieving. If I die and I come back to my son I won’t be going, “It’s a ‘D”.” I’ll go, “It’s your dad. I’m dead.” No chance.

If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?

MC: A hand made out of ham? It always grows back? And what’s with the armpit? The hand of ham seems like an appalling option. *RH suggests that the hand hand would be nice.* Do you really though? Do you really think it would be nice? Are you sucking on ham over there? is that what you’re doing? It’s a very specific scenario. You genuinely look like you’re trying to convince me that. You’re looking concerned, like, “You’re not seeing it. You’re just not seeing it.” *RH notes that quite a few guests choose the sun cream armpit.* Of course they do.

DB: I have the skin of a very young albino child so, my pattern is white, red, peel, stroke, white. That’s my circuit, so [the sun cream armpit] would be brilliant for me. Would [the ham hand] hurt? So you could eat as much as you wanted and it would always grow back. Well, that’s a continual food source. *MC points out that it’s ham, which has poor health implications.* But if you season it and you put some mayonnaise on. And you said it doesn’t hurt.

Have you ever planted a tree or chopped one down? If you’ve done both, which was the more satisfying?

MC: The idea of chopping down trees is – no. I’ve got an apple tree, a cherry tree, and a plum tree in my garden, which I’m a bit obsessive about. I didn’t plant them, they were just there. I’ve gone into detail and wish I hadn’t. But the blossoming’s very nice and the fruit is delicious. Is that okay? Is that alright?

Would you rather have a fold-out table that grew out of your rib cage and which could be put up and down in mere seconds, or a stretchy back skin which could be pulled over your head to act as a makeshift bivouac?

MC: *To DB:” Are you genuinely weighting it up? What’s a bivouac? You’ve got a tent coming out of your back or a thing coming out of your rib cage? It’s skin – that’s going to chafe. Although – I can’t actually believe I’m genuinely thinking it through. The fold out table from your rib cage, socially speaking, if drinks are on the table, you’re stuck with people for an awfully long time, aren’t you? Oh, is it just a personal table for you? *RH confirms this is the case.* But you didn’t explain that; you just made it sound like a sort of communal table.

DB: I forgot where I was. And neither of them hurt? *RH notes that you could sleep under the bivouac.* No, you couldn’t sleep under it because your hands would let go and it would bang back. *MC notes that DB is thinking about the retractable bivouac, as opposed to RH’s example, which would be operated by the user.* *To RH:* You specifically said you pull the skin from your back and pull it over your head. You couldn’t fall asleep under it. *RH notes that one could peg down the skin.* But then that would hurt. *MC asks whether this is like the ham, and RH notes that it wouldn’t hurt, and would in fact be a pleasant and slightly sexual sensation.* I just cant see your legs not getting wet. It would have to come right over your feet.

Why do we even bother?

DB: Is that the question? I’m still turning up for work, even if I won the lottery I’d still turn up for work. I love that job. I love it.

MC: Okay, I’ll – right. So, if you know, like – If you had the option, right, and you had enough money to cover it all and all that, would you retreat from society and just think, Oh, I’m just going to bin this off now because everyone’s annoying and, you know. I’m just going to go to Scotland or an island off Scotland, would you do it? Would you do it? *RH dismisses the idea of Scotland, specifically.* Okay, let’s think of something that’s more suitable to you. So would you go to the Scilly Isles? Just move there, to a remote part of the Scilly Isles and just bin it all off? *RH notes that he would.* Would you really? I’m not sure I wouldn’t, actually. The idea of it is quite appealing, isn’t it? Do you think you could be self-sustaining? 8RH notes that he would need many people to support his life-style.* So you’re taking security with you, is what you’re saying? You’d need a DIY man; a husband, really, is what you’re saying. It’s only a boat ride away, isn’t it? I think that’s a kind of – I won’t go on about this too long – but we treat happiness, in our culture, as a kind of, the way we address happiness and talk about it is like it’s a career, right? So the verbs that we use to talk about it – oh, I need to achieve happiness, I need to reach, I need to get – like it’s a job. And what people – this is only my take on everything, but people… So, the worst advice we’ve been given as a culture is live each day as if it’s your last. It’s a terrible piece of advice. It’s truly terrible because really what we seek is contentment. That’s not happiness, it’s not the same thing. And so – it sounds like I’ve written this. I’m making it up as I go along. If you look at life as a graph, right, and the mean line going across it is contentment, right? The happiness is a bi-product of that, right? And so, but people keep wanting to make the happiness high points the line. So everyone forgets to look for contentment because they’re all looking for a buzz or a happy feeling all the time. And I think that infects all of our culture because we’re trying to – we, we forget that it’s alright to just have a normal day.

Notes

Recorded at the Leeds City Variety.

Human centipede question framed as two other characters from Emmerdale.

The ham hand/sun cream question received applause from the audience.

RH notes that he once owned a quince tree.