Title: One Day This Could All Be Yours

acast Time: 1:10:06
Youtube Time: 1:10:12

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: October 2, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: October 2, 2019

Please Welcome a Man
Who dresses like this all the time – I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Lessening Sexual Tension Podcast

Cool Kids
I was hanging out at King’s Cross Station just now. I was just in the queue to get my photo taken at Platform 9¾; I love it. And a 35 year-old man in a Hogwart’s scarf, eating Bertie Botts Beans…

Guest Best Known
As the Tea Cup Sick Boy. That’s just what he was called at school. And you’re probably here because he used to play for Basingstoke Town F.C., in mid-field.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
N/A N/A

Emergency Questions

What’s the most expensive thing you’ve had eaten by a pet?

My mum’s dog Bert ate a whole plate of sausages once. And I think they were butcher’s sausages. He wolfed them down – and he was an amazing, amazing dog. He once jumped out of a car travelling at 20 miles-an-hour, like some sort of seventies detective. And he looked at my dad, right, he looked at dad, like, that, as if to kind of go, “You know what I’m going to do, don’t you?” Dad was like, “Aw…” You know, that kind of “Aw, for fuck’s sake.” And he just *makes jumping motion with hand*. Like that. And mum was like *raises hands*, “Ahhhh,” like that. And he was perfectly fine.

If an older version of you came back from the future and gave you advice about what you should do with your life, would you take the advice or assume that the you from the future was evil and trying to screw you over?

Excellent question. Do you know the weirdest thing about that is I’ve got a ten-minute bit of stand-up about that in my next show. So I’ve got, like, a really brilliant bit, but then I won’t be able to do it on tour. So what I’m going to need you to do is ask me another question.

What is the most unlikely thing you’ve mistaken for a toilet?

Most – I don’t know.

Is there anything you’d like to have made for you specially by porn stars?

Do you know, I would love to watch quite a lot of my friends make love. Yeah. I don’t know, I just… My friend Wil Hodgson, you’ll know him. I’d love to watch him have sex. Yeah I just think the things he’d say would be hilarious. *Makes mumbling sounds.* It’s very specific, but that’s why it’s tailor-made. *RH asks whether Wil would have to be unaware that Russell Howard would be watching.* Yeah, yeah, I think so. Sure, if I were just stood there in the corner. You know, eating popcorn. “Just do your thing.” To be honest, I wouldn’t need the visuals. The audio would work. Just, *further mumbling.* There’s something about him, specifically. *More mumbling.* Yeah, not really. That was me joking.

Notes

This is Russell Howard’s second appearance.

Recorded at King’s Place in King’s Cross, London.

The microphones gave off a bit of feedback at the beginning of the interview.

At one point RH’s phone signals that someone has approached his house.

RH proposes gifting Russell Howard with his podcast when he’s ready to retire.

At the time of recording, Russell Howard was to be married in three days time.

Russell Howard asks RH the emergency question, “Are you able to explain what differentiates a satsuma from a clementine or a mandarin?” RH cannot, stating that’s why he asks the question.

Black Mirror spoiler.