Title: Wedding Anniversary Gift

acast Time: 1:10:11
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: October 10, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
And a woman who are looking forward to a mash-up.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring Loathes Sexist Trolls; Prefers Guilty Feminists

Cool Kids
I was hanging out with the suffragettes the other day, who did a lot of work to get women the vote. And only a century later democracy has been fucked up by Boris Johnson. So you know, it’s fine. They gave up all that in order for Boris Johnson to fuck it up.

Guest Best Known
For playing Nurse #2 in Emmerdale.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
James only listens to RHLSTP, in contrast to the rest of the audience members, who either listen to both RHLSTP and The Guilty Feminist, or listen to both
James listens to both The Guilty Feminist and RHLSTP
bearded
works in IT
sitting with girlfriend
likes Derry Girls
James bearded
also listens to RHLSTP
Jamie also goes by James
not bearded
does not work in IT
listens to RHLSTP more than The Guilty Feminist

Emergency Questions

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

SM: Yes.

You should never put an ice lolly in your vagina. But if you had to, which ice lolly would you put in your vagina?

SM: What the fuck? No, no, no, no, no. No! If I – what’s the situation that would entail me to grab a Viennetta. They’ve made it into an ice lol’ now, haven’t they? *Audience member suggests a Wibbly Wobbly.” Oh, Wibbly Wobbly would be good. Ribbed for somebody’s pleasure. And that’s the end of that discussion.

Would you rather have a hand made out of ham or equality?

SM: A hand made out of ham.

What does “mansplaining” mean?

*RH proceeds to ironically provide explanation.*

What is the worst example or mansplaining that you have encountered or seen?

SM: It happens all the time in rehearsal. You do something and then somebody goes, “The reason that was funny is because…” And I’m like, “Yeah, bitch, I fucking did it. I know why it’s funny.”

DFW: I had one the other day where I thought – I was talking to quite a posh man in a pub. We were talking about feminism and stuff and I said that it really can work if you protest; it can work. And I said, “Here’s an example: period poverty. You know, Amika George came to The Guilty Feminist through Scarlett Curtis and we supported the protest and now the law has been changed. He was sort of – you know when someone, you can tell, like, a posh man is sort of only half-listening to you. And he said, “Yeah, but I think, you, know, there’s more important things than period poverty. I think you could do something more relevant.” And he said, “It’s not really an issue now.” And I went, “Well, it is an issue now. Well, it’s less of an issue because of this, but it’s still an issue that people have.” And he was like, “Yeah, but period poverty is just, like, not an issue now. I don’t understand why you’d be wasting your time.” And it took me – honestly took me – twenty minutes to realize that he thought period poverty was like period drama. Like, I was out there protesting, going, “Shut down Fagin’s Den! Shut down Fagin’s Den! Shut the work houses for orphans!” He really did. He said, “No, because period poverty is in the past, by definition.” Genuinely, he thought we were out there in period costumes going, “Shut the workhouses.” I just couldn’t believe it. And then I explained it was about menstruation and then he just backed away. He did not put the “men” into menstruation, no. He didn’t mansplain menstruation.

Would you rather have the ability to shoot bees out of your eyes or have a pair of shoes that never needed to be cleaned or repaired?

SM: Where would the bees, like, live before they’ve been shot out? Like, is there – hold on – are there, like, little hives in my eye bag? I’ll have the bees. Fuck shoes.

DFW: I think it’s like a superpower. I’d have the bees and I’ll tell you why. Clean shoes – what ev’s, but there’s  book called The Power, which is about women suddenly get this electrical power that shoots out of their fingers and then the whole world changes because the biggest differentiation between men and women is that men have upper-body strength. And women are forced to sort of – not forced to – but we’ve been encouraged to teeter around on stilts. So at some point half the population gets put into stilts. So that’s a way of destabilizing us. “Can you do this job?” “Yes, I can.” “But now, can you do it while teetering around on stilts?” Is definitely a destabilizer. Yeah, but, The Power is about what would happen if women could shoot bees out of their eyes. Killer bees, that could sting you, and that’s my caveat.

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

DFW: When I was on Art Talk I said that big spider at the Tate Modern but actually that’s very impractical. I’ve re-thought it. Maybe a Pissaro painting or a Monet?

SM: I – as you can tell by my red, sweaty face under these very can lights – I don’t like the heat. Can’t stand the heat. And the summers are very difficult for me. Poor me. […] And one summer… I can’t remember – I think it was 2016 – I discovered the best thing in the world. I was doing a show in the evening. So you’d be tired during the day anyway. I’m a lazy fuck, so I just like to sleep during the day if I’m doing a show in the evening. And I couldn’t sleep because it was too hot. Then I discovered Marina Abramović. She was doing a performance in the Serpentine, which had air conditioning. And you’d go in – I hadn’t a clue what she was fucking doing – but anyway, you’d queue up early, early-ish, but there was never really much of a queue. And they got to know me by the end. So queue up, go in, and there’d be rooms with beds in them and she’d tuck you in. I swear to God. I used to go to the Serpentine to be tucked in by Marina Abramović; with air conditioning. I’d bring ear plugs and everything and go for a fucking nap. It was brilliant. *DFW asked how long one could stay.* As long as you want. […] It was normal opening hours, but I’d go in for, like, a two, three, four-hour nap. And she’d be dressed in black and fabulous and, “Yes, you know, darling, art.” And then she’d go into another room and I don’t know – maybe make me tea or a biscuit or something. So basically, if I could steal anything from a gallery, I would like – instead of stealing something from the gallery – I would like to have the gallery with Marina Abramović, a bed, and air conditioning during the summer months.

Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever flown a kite?

SM: No. *DFW expresses disbelief.* There’s no footage of me flying a kite. Does a kite mean the same thing in England? Is flying a kite like heroin or something? “She was flying the kite.” *DFW asks if SM has done heroin.* Oh yeah. I’ve flown that kite. All the way to the city hall.

Notes

Audio only.

Recorded at King’s Place in King’s Cross, London.

This is DFW’s second appearance.

Mash-up episode with Deborah Frances-White of The Guilty Feminist.

The night before the recording RH’s family had to be evacuated from their house due to an automobile accident.

DFW asks RH the Guilty Feminist emergency question: “Would you rather have a miniature suffragette attached to your shoulder as a second head or would you rather have your own fist punch you in the face if you were ever to say or do anything, or even think anything, that was unfeminist?”

DFW asks RH the Guilty Feminist emergency question: “If you were sleeping with a sex robot, would you program her software with the principals of feminism so she understood she had the right to consent and from then-on would almost certainly reject your advances, making her existence void, even if you paid a lot of money for her?”

DFW asks RH the Guilty Feminist emergency question: “Have you ever fancied a nun? And if so, was the habit part, most, or all of the appeal? And does acknowledging that make you feel shame, reducing a woman to her outfit, given her already marginalized position in society?”

DFW asks RH the Guilty Feminist emergency question: “Which famous dead feminist would you most like to explain to you why you’re wrong when you can’t sleep at night?”

DFW asks RH the Guilty Feminist emergency question: “Which famous dead feminist would you most like to explain to you why you’re wrong when you can’t sleep at night?”

DFW asks RH the Guilty Feminist emergency question: “Who’s your favourite male feminist, living or dead, and what exactly qualifies you to judge whether a man is truly a feminist?”