Title: Back, Sack and Crack Salon

acast Time: 1:08:44
Youtube Time: 1:08:14

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: October 23, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: October 23, 2019

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s come back for another week from his holiday. His wife’s gonna be furious with him.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Lumber Support Truss Podcast

Cool Kids
I was hanging down at Woolicum’s Surf Centre the other day. Trying to buy some surfing clothing because, uh, I sure love surfing. Surfing around. It’s not like peddling on one of those little peddle boat things. Not me; I say, why peddle around when you can go one a surf board? Doesn’t need to be peddled; just use the motion of the ocean. The guys in that shop…

Guest Best Known
For his appearance on this series of Love Island.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Reese from Blackwood, South Wales
now lives in Horndean
in London for work
works for a university
Unnamed former aesthetician
didn’t mind waxing cracks, but found waxing ball sacks difficulty
Andy McH present

Emergency Questions

Have you ever seen a UFO?

*RH refers to this as “Michael Sheen’s question”.* You’ve written thousands of emergency questions. How did you not think up, “Have you ever seen a UFO?” I’ve never seen a UFO, Richard, because I don’t think they exist. But if you see a UFO, it’s identified. But if you say, “That’s a UFO,” then it becomes an IFO.

King Herod never killed any children. Discuss.

I want to know you angle on it first. *RH notes that the Massacre of the Innocents is mentioned in no text other than the Bible.* So they don’t mention it in the history books, but it is in the Bible. It was a slur. So King Herod was alright.

Have you ever tried tilting at windmills?

What’s that? “RH notes that this is a reference to Don Quixote.* Oh, well, no. What is it? Explain it to me. *RH admits that he is unsure.* I went on a cycling holiday in Holland and we rode past some windmills and it was probably a bit windy, so I probably went towards one, yeah. So I probably tilted at a windmill, sure.

Why hast thou forsaken me?

I would never forsake you, Richard.

Why did Jesus say, “Why hast thou forsaken me?”

*RH points out that Jesus knew that this was God’s plan.* Does he though? […] Um, because it’s a spoiler warning otherwise, isn’t it? If he starts going, like, “Don’t worry, lads. I’ll be back in a bit.” He’s got to be like, “Aw, fucking hell, Dad.” He’s got to be angry. He’s acting. Yeah, it’s all set up.

What is the strangest thing you’ve ever found in your fridge?

Um, the strangest thing I’ve ever found in my fridge. Some pills. Yeah. My girlfriend’s got some pro-biotics in there or some sort. Are you supposed to keep those in the fridge? Yep.

Have you got what it takes to be a steeplejack?

You’re going to have to remind me of what a steeplejack is. *RH explains it’s someone who climbs tall structures.* […] Yeah, I reckon I’ve got what it takes to be a steeplejack. Yeah, I reckon I could climb up a tall thing. Fine with heights, yeah. I’d quite like it, actually. If there was a harness.

Is there anything you’d like to have made for you specially by porn stars?

Probably… yeah, I’ve got some pretty specific stuff. Maybe, like, one where it’s, like, a live podcast and they climax and then they finish. They don’t just climax and then sit about going *shrugs*. That’s what’s happened now. This is like watching a porn video where there’s an arc of spunk, and then they sit around going, “So… What have you got going on in your life? Oh, you’re getting married.” I don’t know why I had to say “arc of spunk” there. I do apologize.

What was the worst thing a teacher ever said or did to you at school? And was it a games teacher?

Um, I had two teachers that hated me. There was a geography teacher who called me a horrible little boy, so I didn’t like him. And then I had a Latin teacher – yeah I’m posh – who really hated me but I could see that the first lesson I had with him I couldn’t stop laughing because he had loads of coins and stuff in his pockets and he was stood right up against the desk. So it looked like he had tiny little nub legs and he was stood on the desk. But he didn’t move away from the desk, he would just, like, move along the desk with his little nub legs, like waddling up and down the desk. So I couldn’t stop laughing. But you can’t explain that to someone if they ask, “Why are you laughing?” You can’t say, “Because it looks like you’ve got little nub legs.” Um, and so he hated me from then-on because he thought I was laughing at him. *RH asks if the teacher gave EG a hard time.* Yeah, really hard time. He told me I was going to fail and stuff and told my mum I was going to fail Latin. But I got an A. GCSE Latin A. And thank God because I wouldn’t be where I am today.

What’s your greatest weakness?

*RH asks if it’s EG’s diabetes, and whether EG would say that in a job interview.* I think I would. Yeah, I would just go with diabetes, because that’s my only edge as a, as a comic. That’s all I can talk about that no one else has got. I’m diabetic. I only did a few proper job interviews. I had to do group interviews for, like, a telly sales job essentially. I had to get in a suit and sit around a table with loads of people and they – one of the guys was, like, “Right, first question: Tell us a song lyric that sums you up. What’s your favourite song lyric and why does it sum you up.” All I know is heavy metal songs. So the only one I could come up with was a lyric from a band called Clutch who had got a song called Subtle Hustle. And I said, “I’ve got your number / I’ll steal your thunder / I’ve got your mother’s maiden name tattooed on my arm.” And I thought, That will get me the job. It didn’t.


Recorded at King’s Place in King’s Cross, London.

This is EG’s second appearance.

RH reveals that EG’s middle name is Stephenson.