Title: Joke Thief
Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: November 13, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: November 12, 2019
Please Welcome a Man
Who wishes he was in Houdini’s Magic Bar, because that’s where the cool kids go.
Richard Herring’s Lassoing Sext Tortoises Podcast
I was hanging around outside Nason’s department store, waiting for it to open. The shutters were down; really strong shutters they’ve got there. There was a man playing a homemade guitar, electric guitar made out of a bit of wood, and another man – I may have dreamed this – who was selling the biggest shoe with a cat in a tiny deck chair beside him. Did anyone else see that? Is that a local character? Or was it a dog? Still, it was in a deck chair.
Guest Best Known
For playing a paramedic on the popular soap opera EastEnders. Sometimes people shout out in the street, “It’s the paramedic from EastEnders.”
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Do you think that Barry from EastEnders ever tried to suck his own cock?
Do you know, there was an even bigger gut there at the time… It’s not going to happen because, let’s face it, if it could, I mean, you wouldn’t get married, you wouldn’t go out, would you really? Just stay in with a bottle of cider.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Okay, so I did Big Brother, obviously for artistic reasons. I did Big Brother because I had a long phone call with someone who I’ve grown very close to over the years and the conversation went something like this: HMRC: “Have you got the money?” Me: “No.” HMRC: “Then we’d like your house.” Me: “Give me two weeks.” And I was in there with lovely Derek Acorah. So – no, but he was a very successful man, but they were obsessed with it in the Diary Room, “Look, Derek’s a fake and he knows he’s a fake.” And I believe that Derek feels and sees everything he believes he sees and feels. It’s as simple as that. So Derek phoned me up. We moved into a house, myself and my current wife – lovely Adele – we moved into a new house. And straight away there was banging – you know what I mean – always banging noises. I mean of boxes being – I don’t mean the other way. So, we did, we got a ghost. And Derek phoned me up because he wanted me to be on his radio show. And he went, “Rosemary.” I went, “Right, okay.” “Rosemary’s the name of the lady who lives in your house.” Because you know, like, if you’re a man you’ve got a teddy bear or you call everything by a male – it’s just habit, isn’t it? You’ve got a doll as a kid or a teddy bear it’s always got a male name. And girls call their bears or whatever a female name. So I was always, like, whatever I called him, “Dennis, shut up! Trying to work!” Or whatever. He says, “No, it’s Rosemary.” So basically, yes, we have got a noisy ghost in our house and according to Derek it’s called Rosemary. So I can’t really – I do believe the spirits of people linger where they were. And all the time there’s evidence of poltergeists and they get a bit more leery. I assume there must be. *RH asks SW if he’s ever seen anything in addition to hearing the evidence.* No, it’s just noises. She’s a real banger.
When was the last time you travelled by coach?
Ooh. That shattered my image of man of the people. Who would choose to do it if they didn’t have to? But it’s not like I’m chauffeured everywhere. It’s a brilliant question. I think it must have been a Greyhound bus from Atlanta to New Orleans in about 1989. I did Camp America and afterwards we – Camp America is summer camp in America – and afterwards you get six weeks on your visa; you can do what you want as long as you’re back at JFK at a certain date. So myself and a guy I met at the camp, we hitchhiked. We did all that. We followed Jack Kerouac’s route down to New Orleans, On the Road. Slept in tennis courts and people’s back gardens. It was rough. We got picked up by a guy who seemed to be very nice. And at the time we were in Union Jack shorts and I was reasonably fit at the time, ladies, honestly. We got picked up by this guy and I was sitting behind the driver and my mate Andy was in the front. And I was dozing off a bit, and I could hear him go *making slapping sound against lap*. What in hell’s he doing? This guy was getting a bit grabby. So he started off really lovely and was talking about, “I’ve been to Oxford, I’ve been here…” He was like Boss Hogg in Dukes of Hazzard. “I’ve been to Oxford.” And then after a while he’s like, getting really silly. He’s like, “You want your dick sucked?” And I’m like, “I’m alright. Andy? No, we’re – I think were alright.” Even though I can’t *makes a motion as if to try and suck his own cock*. So I travelled with a set of darts. And I got them out of my rucksack and I’m like, I’m going to do him in his jugular, you know. In the end he let us out and he just – at three in the morning – he just drove around this roundabout screaming abuse at us. So we got a Greyhound bus from Atlanta. We never quite made the last third of it, really.
Recorded at the Marlowe Theatre in Canterbury.
SW has won Pointless Celebrities four times.