Title: Tiny Teeth

acast Time: 1:11:38
Youtube Time: 1:12:54

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: November 27, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: November 26, 2019

Please Welcome a Man
Who first exchanged corn in this building in 1995. I genuinely did with Stewart Lee; it was a hilarious joke we did.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Lyndhurst Surfing Time Podcast

Cool Kids
I was hanging out on the Mathematical Bridge today in Cambridge, pointing out to everyone who passed that although wood is a weak material if subjected to bending, in this bridge design the timbers in the side trusses are subject to practically no bending force. The dominant centre force in the timbers is tangential to the arch is simple compression in which case wood is very strong. No one was interested, so I called it…

Guest Best Known
MO: As the pottery teacher in Pompidou.
IG: As Mustachioed John in Custom Love.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
N/A N/A

Emergency Questions

Who do you consider the best of Jesus’s disciples?

MO: The best of Jesus’s more obscure disciples? * IG suggests Cecil and RH notes that there is no disciple named Cecil.* That’s why he’s so good. You’ve not heard of Cecil, the 13th disciple? Some of the scriptures which the Council of Nicaea threw away really cites Cecil. He taught Jesus breakdancing. Ah, and yeah, he used to bring pies to the big meets. *RH notes there is a great amount of apocrypha that didn’t make it into the canonical Bible.* Yeah, exactly. Teenage Jesus doing magic tricks and stuff. His summer hitchhiking around the Algarve with Cecil. *IG calls Jesus and Cecil a pair of shaggers.* Turned water into condoms, am I right?

Have you ever tried to suck each other’s cocks?

MO: I just want to take in this moment as being part of the pantheon of people who have been asked the question. Our final show, when we’re 100, we’re just gonna be two old men gently fellating each other. If we had to do it simultaneously it would be a kind of tombstone piledriver position. *MO and IG then demonstrate the position.*

IG: Each other’s? I mean, to be honest, the whole double act dynamic is based on the tension that I’m always trying. And Max has never let.

If you could have all your teeth replaced by psychic orbs that could tell you all future events by telepathy but would scream it a high-pitched volume every time you opened your mouth, would you go ahead with the teeth replacement operation?

MO: Doing press is such a drag. How do the orbs tell you things? *RH advises that this is the high-pitched screaming sound.* I thought the scream was additional; just like a scream of fear or horror. Okay, and also, are the psychic screams based on questions you have said to the orbs or you’re just getting a broad spread of things from the future? *RH confirms that the orbs are just “chucking stuff in there”.*

IG: I’ve also got a question. ‘Cause I’ve actually still got three baby teeth, milk teeth. I just wasn’t born with the adult teeth underneath to push them out. So are the orbs shaped like adult teeth? *RH confirms that they’re orbs, not teeth-shaped.* Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

IG: No we – I don’t know. Would I want this? I think I kind of would. I mean… So, we went to the Museum of Old and New Art – MONA – in Tasmania. What a shit name for a museum. It’s just a museum of art, really. Old and New? MONA is cool. This is not what I want, but it kind of helps to explain it. It had a robot, which made human shit. Well, it made a robot shit. It processed food and then turned it into a shit. It was broken on the day that we went and I was really disappointed. And then one of the ushers said, “Right, okay. Go to the toilets upstairs. Go to the third cubicle and sit down.” And I said, “Okay, fine.” So I went to that cubicle and I sat down and then, low and behold, in front of me was this little viewing hole. And I looked in and there was a series of mirrors , which went directly up towards my anus and I could see myself having  shit. *RH asks whether if the shitting robot had been functioning, whether IG would have taken this instead.* Well, I don’t know. Probably not. I’ve got a cat and that’s basically doing that every day. All it’s doing is sleeping and shitting and I have to clean it up. *Speaking about the series of anus-directed mirrors:* The novelty might wear off. *RH asks whether the image was being broadcast on the Internet.* I mean, I hope not. It’s be anonymous though, wouldn’t it? I think that was a good answer. *RH and MO take issue with whether the series of anus-directed mirrors was an art piece.* Okay, I will change it to the neo-Dadaist Robert Rauschenberg. Fine. There you go.

MO: Uh, Michelangelo’s David. Thank you so much.

Who’s the most surprising famous person you’ve been in a lift with? And which I mean, you can’t have gotten into the lift with them; they had to be in the lift you were in.

MO: This is vaguely rated, but when I was young kid. I had a genuine, like, phobia. Like, a panic attack-inducing phobia of walking into a lift and Uma Thurman would be there and  – this is entirely true – and she would be wearing a sort of Burberry-style trench coat and she would stab me in the back with a machete. And I would die. And that was one of my main worries about the way I would die for some years. I choose the orb teeth, just so I know. I mean, that’s being stabbed to death, Richard. […] I once shared a lift with – he’s famous amongst a certain group of people – Bruce Buffer, the golden-voiced ring announcer of UFC and the brother of Michael Buffer, who invented the “let’s get ready to rumble” catchphrase and copyrighted it for billions of dollars at this point. I shared a lift in to a sky loft in Las Vegas with him. And he was with two women who were not, I suspect, his daughters.

IG: Max. Does that count? No.

Would you rather have no ears or no dignity?

IG: I mean, I’ve already got no dignity. Yeah, fuck it, I’ll have no either.

MO: Complete the set. Lovely, smooth. Well, I’d be happy no with ears. How good are ears? *IG points out that MO wears glasses.* I’m wearing contacts now and I’m having a great time. *RH advises that without ears you would also be unable to hear.* Oh, I see. Ah, this is how you get people. So, plunged into a soundless world. And is the lack of dignity related to simply how poeple perceive you despite your inherent personality traits being as they are currently, or do you just walk around with your dick out, spraying shit all over the place and falling over?

Notes

Recorded at the Cambridge Corn Exchange.

Guests are Max Olesker and Ivan Gonzalez.

This episode is sponsored by Viz magazine, which RH notes he has been reading for 35 years.

RH describes dream he had where he was eating lettuce with the band members of Blur.

RH mentions the scores of certain cards in the Top Trumps game that was created for the most recent RHLSTP Kickstarter.