Title: Tilda Swinton’s Guff

acast Time: 1:01:06
Youtube Time: 1:01:00

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: December 18, 2019
Youtube Publication Date: December 17, 2019

Please Welcome a Man
Who can’t believe he’s furious he’s about to perform in front of a room full of bung thieves.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Leicester Stealing Tibias Podcast

Cool Kids
I was talking to Leicester Zombie Scavengers Experience. I don’t know if you’ve seen these guys. There’s a Leicester Zombie Scavengers Experience. How do they tell the difference? I mean, I’ve walked through Leicester. I mean, I don’t know if that was part of the game.

Guest Best Known
For her performance as Hotel Worker in Auf Wiedersehen, Pet.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
N/A N/A

Emergency Questions

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

Am I allowed to shave the person in front first? *RH advises that JE can use her teeth to bite the hair off.* This is a terrible, terrible, terrible choice. *RH notes that his main concern would be the fecal matter.* Some people really like that. Some people acquire a taste for it, you know. I haven’t acquired that – I don’t even like chocolate blancmange. As a little girl I was always traumatized by chocolate blancmange that I thought tasted of poo. I never got over that since. I don’t know how I’m going to handle this. I want, okay, can I have someone who’s an Olympic swimmer? Because that asshole will have been chlorinated. Okay, because they often shave as well, don’t they? Those Olympic swimmer types. They’ll be shaved because they’re more aerodynamic in the water. They will because a thick, claggy asshole is going to slow them down in the water. Yeah, of course it will. So they’re going to be shaved and they’re going to be chlorinated. *RH advises that the hair will grow back.* Yeah, but I’m going to be sewn right to his asshole… *RH notes that this will be like a goatee for JE.* Yeah. Okay, so I’m there. I couldn’t give a shit who’s behind me. I mean that’s just – They’ve got to put up with my sloppy ass. Oh, someone I don’t like. Okay, someone who deserves it. Well, we’ll have Boris Johnson behind me, shall we? We’ll just do that. Okay. It’s probably something he did at school.

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

Oh, that’s really, really hard. I’ve seen so much good stuff. And I like with someone who collects – I mean, not on a… Listen, I live in southeast London so I’ve got to be a bit careful. You know, and I live in a mostly glass house; people can see in. So really, I need something quite small that I can hide in the toilet because otherwise they’ll all be in. Oh God, that is really. Oh, can I come back? No, I’ve got to think of something on the spot. Okay, I’ll have something in my garden. I’ll have a Henry Moore in my garden. Okay. Because they’re heavy, right? You want a big fuck-off Henry Moore. And they can’t carry them out, the little junkies that live around me. They can’t. So I’ll have that in my back garden. And then I will have… There is a really beautiful piece that I’d have in my spare room. I’m going to have something for every room, I think. There’s a piece by Sam Taylor-Wood that’s a piece of film – it’s an installation – and it’s David Beckham sleeping. It’s really lovely; it’s really beautiful. And I don’t really like installation art much, but I sometimes do. And when I do I really like it. Do you remember there was one with Tilda Swinton? Do you remember when Tilda Swinton… Do you know Tilda Swinton? She’s an actress. I base my whole look on her and I can’t quite do it. Very, very elegant. Proper actress. This installation – I can’t remember who it’s for – where she lay in a glass box like Sleeping Beauty; like in a casket. And it was at the Serpentine Gallery. I remember going to see that. And there was a lid on it. And I just thought, I wonder if Tilda’s been farting. And I just lifted it. Farting in the box, yeah. Yeah, you would. I like so many different things. You know, there are a few things that you  – you know, I love a Hockney. I think the great thing about having a Hockney is if you had A Bigger Splash on your wall nobody would know it’s the real thing. Everyone would think you got it from Athena Posters. So nobody would nick it. That would be fine. *RH notes that in this scenario theft of the object would not be a concern.* Okay, okay – well then… I’ve got a Tracey Emin. Um, it’s my bed. It’s a homage, every day. Ah, funny. No, there’s so many, so many, because the old man, he drags me around to an art gallery most weeks.

Notes

Recorded at the Haymarket Theatre in Leicester.

This is JE’s second appearance.

JE notes that her first appearance on RHLSTP was also the first day of her menopause.