Title: Gurt Lush

acast Time: 1:10:17
Youtube Time: 1:09:53

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: January 3, 2020
Youtube Publication Date: January 2, 2020

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s just done a number four on the Bristol stool scale.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Long Stringy Turds Podcast

Cool Kids
I was talking to Ian Tarr the other day. He’s the guy who came up with Tarr’s Ice Cream.

Guest Best Known
For being the only comedian in the world to play the Royal Albert Hall and my village hall on the same day.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Unnamed went to the same school as JA
graduated later than JA

Emergency Questions

Is sex with a Frankenstein cheating?

Because there’s no soul in it? If you are fucking Frankenstein, I think the person who feels cheated on is going to have more issues with you than your cheating. The necrophilia would be a major issue for me. *RH suggests that the Frankenstein is back alive.* Dead and alive. Answered. That’s done.

What if part of the Frankenstein is taken from your partner?

This is like an episode of Doctor Who, at the end where Rose gets given another Doctor that is able to stay with her and age. And then I was like – because people were like, “Oh, isn’t that great? Rose gets to stay with David Tennant.” Because I was only watching it for him; I’ve got a real thing. “Oh, Rose is staying with David Tennant, that’s great.” And I was fucking furious because there was still a Doctor that was left without someone. So yes, it is cheating.

Is it cheating to have sex with someone who has had an organ donated to them by your partner, or is it your duty?

Would I? *RH notes that the partner will have died.* And then his heart went to someone else? Here’s a better question: How much of your partner needs to be in another person for it to become your other partner? It’s the same question that I have about crumbs and biscuits. how big does a crumb have to be before it becomes a biscuit again? They come to me for the big stuff, Richard.

Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?

Does the rest of my body go with my finger? *RH confirms that it does not.* Or a tit that dispenses talcum powder. I mean, as a fat girl, talcum powder is a great asset to any fat girl’s handbag. But I  – do you know what? A finger travelling through time, that’s great because it also means that in this accent I get to say “finger” three times now. But also, the stuff you could do… Like, you could fuck up Beethoven’s symphony by, like, poking through. And then he’s, like, going mad and then you just go *makes interfering action* and then he’d – he doesn’t ever write it because someone’s like, “Well, it was great until that fucking bit.”

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Yes. Now, before I say this, some people believe; some people do not. I’m agnostic. I’m open to the concept of believing in whatever. But I do like a bit of proof, you know. Just a bit. I don’t have blind faith. I saw a ghost in my own bedroom when I was a kid. It was a man in an anorak walking towards me, which isn’t a garment you often see on ghosts. I am a punk, even when I’m hallucinating. But he was wearing an anorak and he was walking towards me and he was pointing, and I screamed at him and he puffed away *makes poofing noise*, like that. And so my boyfriend and I like to shit ourselves up quite a bit. Like, we recently – do you know what we did? We had this day off. He hadn’t watched It – the new stuff. Which, if you haven’t seen it, if you like horror it’s fucking brilliant. So we watched the first one at home and I made, like, tacos, and then we got in a car and we went and watched It 2, 4D. Holy shit. Things touch your ankles underneath the seat. So, scary shit happens and they blow air into your ears and you get shaken around. There’s a bit where, like, water sprays on you. Like, the smell of shit – not shit – but the smell of stuff happens in the room. And I screamed all the way through. I couldn’t help it. I tried to, like, imagine there were other people in the room who wanted to just watch the show, but I couldn’t believe it. And this woman at the end came up to me and Rich and went, “The most entertaining thing about that entire show was your reaction.”

Notes

Recorded at the Bristol Old Vic.

This is JA’s second appearance.

JA tells her maître d joke, which RH states should have won the Best Joke Competition at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

RH notes that he would like to interview Michael Barrymore on the podcast.