Title: Sexy Borg Queen
Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: January 15, 2020
Youtube Publication Date: January 14, 2020
Please Welcome a Man
Who first appeared on this stage in 1988. Before his guest was born, I think. Yep, just had that confirmed.
Richard Herring’s Leper Saving Time Podcast
I was hanging out in Winchester Pizza Express. And Kevin from Eggheads was sat at the next table. He’s in tonight. He was reading a book of facts while eating alone. But, you know, at least he wasn’t pushing anyone in a canal, so let’s not knock him.
Guest Best Known
As a reporter on The Premier League Show.
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If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?
Right, okay. This is quite – I’d have the sort of master key to – What would I have… I should have the master key to the Tate Modern and be able to go around the entirety of it whenever I please. That’s a trick. That means I can have anything. Basically, infinite wishes. *RH points out that AS could look at the art, but not take it away.* Yeah, but I don’t really want to take it away. It’s all of this, you know, this horrible stuff they have with, like, a – what’s it – these weird ports and stuff where you’re technically not in any country for, like, tax purposes and super-rich people just buy up loads of art and store it in those things so they’re not subject to any tax jurisdiction and you can just sit there and appreciate and no one ever gets to look at it because it’s just in a temperature-controlled place. And that doesn’t seem like a kind thing to do for the world. So I’d rather be like, “I’m going to take the Mona Lisa and none of you cunts are allowed anywhere near it.”
What do you think the fourth law of robotics should be?
So it’s… what? Cannot harm a human. And then the second one is must do what a human tells it to unless that conflicts with the first law. And the third is must preserve itself unless that conflicts with the first two. My fourth law is I must have sex with any robot you [Richard Herring] have created.
Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?
This sounds like the question of a man who desperately needs validation for a decision he’s already made. *RH recounts his interest in having sex with a robot that looked like Gemma Chan.* And to what extent do you need proof? Would it be enough if Gemma Chan were to say to you, “Richard, I would like to have sex with you and I am a robot, by the way.” You’d just take it at face value? Robots can’t lie. That’s one of the laws.
Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?
Genuinely, I’ve never tried that. No. Oh, I’ll try later. Sure. No, I’ve never been a particularly flexible man. But I think that the only person who I’m aware can do it is *bleep censored*. Ah, stand-up comedian *bleep censored*. I don’t know if that’s a thing that everyone’s supposed to know. But yeah, *bleep censored* can suck his own dick. But I’ve never heard of anyone else being able to do it, so I was just, like, I’m probably not that exceptional. *RH mentions another person who apparently can such their own cock, with their name also being bleep censored.* Okay. We should get the two of them together. I think the point is I’ve never – I’ve never been interested in the idea of sucking a cock, and so I don’t know why sucking my cock would be different. *RH notes that AS is looking at the situation from the wrong perspective.* And just be like, Oh my God, I’m getting a blow-job. This is one of the few questions that I’m not going to ask you back because I’m sure you have, and I’m sure you continue to try.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Uh, no. That’s one of the things that, like, I remember when I was a child I always used to think that, like, my grandparents’ house was haunted or something like that. And then, in retrospect, I was just a child who was frightened because he was away from home, so it all felt a bit spookier.
Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?
But the thing is I’m dating – This could be a celibate relationship. I’m not necessarily expected to… I’m not expected to do anything. I would date the guy who had another guy instead of a dick because then we could go out and about and it would just be normal; no one would be, like, “Why is there a 6-foot tall dick, like, on the Central Line, hanging out?” And then, when we got back, get into bed, take off our clothes, there’s another chap there to have a discussion with. Three friends. Lovely. Makes sense. Someone to mediate in arguments. *RH asks whether, while having sex with this person, AS would be happy having the little penis man up him.* I don’t think he’d be happy with that. Like, I think I would be the top in that scenario. But I don’t want to make a dick-sized man go in my ass. *RH derides AS’s attitude towards the 6-foot tall penis man.* It’s the last socially acceptable prejudice. To be prejudiced against 6-foot tall dicks.
Would you rather date a woman who was a 6-foot tall vulva, or a woman who instead of having a vagina had another tiny woman in her place?
*RH makes reference to AS’s prejudice against 6-foot tall genitalia, as per the previous response.* I’m going to continue that prejudice.
Recorded at the Theatre Royal Winchester.
RH discusses one of his first stand-up routines, a song called My Penis Can Sing.
RH previously interviewed AS at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.
When discussing the gallery item emergency question, RH reveals that his niece has a Matisse that she rented from her local gallery in Leeds.
When discussing the gallery item emergency question, RH notes that he would now prefer the 2nd-largest pencil from the Derwick Pencil Museum in Keswick.
When discussing the fourth robotics law emergency question, RH states that his is that you cannot have sex with a robot that you have created.
A portion of this recording was bleep censored.